DIY Is Full Of Danger: A Cautionary Tale

posted by on 12/14/2012 | 18,189 comments (leave one of your own)

I am extremely honored to have read this post at the BlogHer ’13 Voices Of The Year keynote in the Humor category, pretty much securing the fact that I will forever be known as that chick that gave herself poison ivy all over her entire face. You can watch the video here.

VOTY13

I’ve always wanted a decorative wreath for our front porch, but I never found anything that said “BUY ME”. This past December when we pulled out the Christmas decorations from the garage, I noticed that we had a few of those fake, plain green wreaths and I decided to make a jazz it up.  If there is one thing we have an abundance of in Colorado, it’s pinecones.

The kids and I went outside and gathered pinecones from the woods around our house, we were crafting off the land. It was pretty much just like Little House On The Prairie except no one was blind.

I had no plan, no directions, just a glue gun and sheer determination to make my vision come to life.  I started gluing the pinecones on the inside edge of the wreath working my way around.  I ran out of pinecones quickly, I kept going back out and I filled a box up three times. I glued, glued, and glued some more.  It was like a gigantic pinecone puzzle, you know, if puzzles were sharp, pointy, and gave you splinters and burns all over your fingertips.

It turned out lovely and totally free. All the supplies that I used I had lying around the house and in the woods and free makes my wreath a gigantic win.

Pinecone Wreath

But as we know, all magic comes with a price.

The next day, the back my right hand developed a weird rash.

A few days later, the rash had spread to my face, ears, and neck. I figured it was a reaction to something I had eaten.

I called my doctor’s office and they told me to swing by.

My doctor mentioned the rash did not look like it was brought on by food or drink and proceeded to ask all sorts of questions. He was certain it was some sort of reaction to shampoo, detergent, lotion, or perfume.

I’ve used the same shampoo since high school, I make my own detergent, I don’t use lotion, and I’ve worn the same perfume for at least five years.

NEXT.

He then brought in his doctor co-worker friend and this guy was all, “Well, I don’t think it is shingles and probably not scarlet fever. If it was lupus, the rash would be located on your joints.”  HUH.

They told me to go home and take some allergy medication for my hives and to call them if anything changed.  I was concerned for the well being of my face, but I felt confident enough to put my hives on blast via Instagram because everyone finds hives amusing when they aren’t happening to you.

This is the face of poison ivy.

I should have titled the photo “Bitch, you don’t even know”, as this was just the beginning.  Later that evening, my entire head was bright effing red and on fire. I stayed up all night with a cold washcloth on my face, consulting Dr. Google, convinced that I was suffering from a rare medical condition and about to receive the cutting edge diagnosis of being allergic to my husband.

After a full night of being miserable and not sleeping, I was inspecting my red, patchy, burning swollen face in the mirror and noticed there were tiny blisters forming on the rim of my lower eyelid.

I called my doctor’s office AGAIN freaking out because Hi, no sleep and because Mary went blind on Little House and they were all, “Please come to the office immediately, we are concerned for your vision”.

NO KIDDING, ME TOO.

Twenty minutes later, I am back in the exact same exam room from the day before.  My doctor informs me my skin is blistering and it looks like my lymph nodes are swelling. He inquired if I could have possibly somehow been exposed to poison ivy.

Oh, you mean like maybe when I went into the woods and picked up 200 pinecones by hand?

Pinecone Wreath

And then painstakingly glued those 200 super speshul FREE pinecones to a tacky wreath with nothing but my glue gun and a dream?

Pinecone Wreath

He informed me that even if the poison ivy dickface of a plant is dead it could still infect you for up to a YEAR with its super demon plant powers.

So, I picked up pinecones lying in field of dead, poisoned plants, came inside, glued said infected pinecones of death to a wreath, touched my iPhone a whole bunch of times while making the wreath, and then used the said contaminated phone like a boss while working the next day and gave my entire head the worst case of poison ivy my doctor has ever seen in the history of his practice.

I was prescribed steroids to prevent my eyes from swelling shut, my face looked like it was sunburned to a itchy, infuriating crisp that I absolutely could not scratch, and I had blisters all over my entire head, even in the creases of my ears.

While the best things in life are indeed free, apparently they can also rage and disease your entire face with their poison oils. My free wreath cost me two doctor office visits, $16 in drugstore relief, a co-pay for my prescription, and my dignity.

I straight jacked myself up all in the name of crafting.

DSC_1239

After my family offered their love and support in the form of laughter, my sister pretty much summed up this entire experience up with one sentence:

No truer words have ever been spoken.

    Comments
  • long term effects of viagra use


    What’s up, after reading this amazing piece of writing i am also cheerful to
    share my familiarity here with friends. http://www.deinformedvoters.org/viagra-generic

  • Binance Vs. Coinbase Vs. Voyager Review


    I must thank you for the efforts you’ve put in penning this blog. I’m hoping to check out the same high-grade blog posts by you in the future as well. In fact, your creative writing abilities has inspired me to get my very own website now ;)|

  • schlüsseldienst wuppertal


    I am really enjoying the theme/design of your web site. Do you ever run into any web browser compatibility problems? A few of my blog visitors have complained about my blog not operating correctly in Explorer but looks great in Opera. Do you have any ideas to help fix this problem?|

  • https://www.sangeethamobiles.com/


    Very neat blog article.Much thanks again. Cool.

  • how much is prescription cialis


    Link exchange is nothing else but it is just placing the other person’s webpage link on your page at suitable place and other person will also do same for you. http://www.deinformedvoters.org/cialis-usa

  • how much is prescription cialis


    Link exchange is nothing else but it is just placing the other person’s webpage link on your page at suitable place
    and other person will also do same for you. http://www.deinformedvoters.org/cialis-usa

  • Instant Online Loans


    instant payday loan lenders

  • bitcoin in vancouver


    the time to study or visit the subject material or web sites we’ve linked to below the

  • cheap careprost from india


    wholesale careprost bimatoprost cheap careprost from india cost of lumigan eye drops http://carepro1st.com/

  • CARGO HOLIDAYS


    Here is a superb Blog You may Locate Interesting that we Encourage You

  • Hair Transplant Istanbul


    You ought to be a part of a contest for one of the greatest websites online. I am going to recommend this website!|

  • Social Media Marketing Agency


    Excellent post. I absolutely appreciate this site. Keep writing!

  • Javierrit


    tinder online , what is tinder
    http://tinderentrar.com/

  • Javierrit


    tider , what is tinder
    http://tinderentrar.com/

  • Javierrit


    tinder login, tinder app
    http://tinderentrar.com/

  • Paydayloan


    5000 loan with bad credit

  • 먹튀검증사이트


    After I initially left a comment I appear to have clicked the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and now every time a comment is added I recieve four emails with the same comment. There has to be an easy method you can remove me from that service? Cheers!

  • Paydayloan


    pay day loan

  • schlüsseldienst wuppertal


    What’s up i am kavin, its my first time to commenting anywhere, when i read this post i thought i could also make comment due to this sensible paragraph.|

  • Sprinter Van Brake Repair Near Me


    That is a very good tip especially to those new to the blogosphere. Brief but very precise information… Appreciate your sharing this one. A must read post!

  • ivermectin cena


    ivermectin dosage chart for humans http://ivermectinovercounter.com/# bula ivermectina

  • Lou Ausiello


    I wanted to put you this very little remark to say thanks a lot the moment again for your personal pleasant methods you have shown in this article. It was quite wonderfully generous with you giving extensively what many individuals could have distributed as an electronic book to generate some cash for themselves, principally now that you might have tried it if you ever wanted. The solutions likewise worked as the good way to be certain that other individuals have a similar interest really like my very own to know the truth a little more in regard to this condition. I’m sure there are lots of more pleasurable occasions in the future for many who looked over your site.

  • canadian perspective


    just beneath, are a lot of entirely not associated web pages to ours, nevertheless, they may be certainly worth going over

  • click website


    The author is known by the category of Magali Ary. Administering databases is how I make capital. To camp is something that he’s been doing for numerous. For years I’ve lived in N . c . and mother and father live town. She’s not good at design however, you might in order to check her website: #link#

  • Javierrit


    how to use tinder , tinder login
    http://tinderentrar.com/

  • 강남출장마사지


    Spot on with this write-up, I really believe that this amazing site needs a great deal more attention. Iíll probably be back again to read more, thanks for the info!

  • cave à vin Laval


    Woah! I’m really enjoying the template/theme of this blog. It’s simple, yet effective. A lot of times it’s very difficult to get that “perfect balance” between usability and appearance. I must say you’ve done a very good job with this. Also, the blog loads very quick for me on Chrome. Superb Blog!

  • bimatoprost without an rx fast shipping


    careprost did not work bimatoprost without an rx fast
    shipping coupon for bimatoprost ophthalmic solution http://carepro1st.com/

  • bimatoprost without an rx fast shipping


    careprost did not work bimatoprost without an rx fast shipping coupon for bimatoprost ophthalmic solution http://carepro1st.com/

  • Elaina Roupe


    That is very interesting, You’re a very skilled blogger. I’ve joined your rss feed and look ahead to searching for extra of your great post. Also, I have shared your site in my social networks|

  • 서울출장마사지


    I enjoy looking through a post that will make men and women think. Also, thanks for allowing for me to comment!

  • Cave Evron


    Woah! I’m really digging the template/theme of this site. It’s simple, yet effective. A lot of times it’s very difficult to get that “perfect balance” between superb usability and appearance. I must say you have done a very good job with this. Also, the blog loads super fast for me on Internet explorer. Excellent Blog!

  • KimHat


    cheap levitra canadian pharmacy

  • https://www.aptekakamagra.pl/leki-na-potencje.html


    A big thank you for your blog article.Really thank you! Much obliged.

  • https://viagra.edu.pl


    Really informative article. Fantastic.

  • GazImmaphtit


    online tadalafil 20mg

  • cara mendownload pkv games di iphone


    Awesome blog post.Really looking forward to read more. Great.

  • how to buy VPS cheap


    Quality posts is the secret to be a focus for the users to visit the web site, that’s what this site is providing.|

  • cialis 20mg price walmart


    What’s up colleagues, how is the whole thing, and what you want to say about this article, in my view
    its in fact amazing designed for me. http://www.deinformedvoters.org/cialis-usa

  • cialis 20mg price walmart


    What’s up colleagues, how is the whole thing, and what you want to say about this article, in my
    view its in fact amazing designed for me. http://www.deinformedvoters.org/cialis-usa

  • Javierrit


    browse tinder for free , tider
    http://tinderentrar.com/

  • longchamps uk


    Mrs. Weston looked up, afraid to believe; but Emma’s countenance19 was as steady as her words.

  • christian louboutin shoes


    “But it is proved by the smallness of the school, which I have heard you speak of, as under the patronage45 of your sister and Mrs. Bragge; the only school, and not more than five-and-twenty children.”

  • Melany Hartung


    After checking out a handful of the blog articles on your site, I honestly appreciate your way of writing a blog. I saved as a favorite it to my bookmark site list and will be checking back soon. Please visit my website too and let me know your opinion.

  • click website


    Greetings. Let me start by telling you the author’s name – Thad. My family lives in California need not love every day living reading this. Supervising has been her regular job for a moment and it is something she really like. The favorite hobby for him impressive kids should be to jog but he’s thinking on starting something new. He’s been working on his website for a few days now. You’ll find the site here: #link#

  • RV Generator Los Angeles


    I’m amazed, I must say. Rarely do I encounter a blog that’s both equally educative and engaging, and let me tell you, you’ve hit the nail on the head. The problem is something that not enough people are speaking intelligently about. I am very happy that I came across this in my search for something regarding this.

  • travel trailer inspection near me


    I was very happy to discover this great site. I need to to thank you for ones time due to this wonderful read!! I definitely savored every part of it and i also have you book-marked to see new things in your blog.

  • RV Furniture Orange County


    Everything is very open with a clear clarification of the issues. It was definitely informative. Your website is extremely helpful. Many thanks for sharing!

  • Didcot wasp pest control service


    What’s up mates, its fantastic post regarding tutoringand completely defined, keep it up all the time.|

  • cave à vin


    Woah! I’m really loving the template/theme of this blog. It’s simple, yet effective. A lot of times it’s hard to get that “perfect balance” between superb usability and visual appearance. I must say you have done a fantastic job with this. In addition, the blog loads super quick for me on Chrome. Superb Blog!

    leave a comment
    Your email is never shared.
    Required fields are marked *