Science=Stone Cold Gangsta

posted by on 06/03/2011 | 8,071 comments (leave one of your own)

Dear Curtis James Jackson,

I am writing to inform you that I am a big fan, always have been.  I truly appreciate your unique voice, I know you have a difficult life with the dealing of the drugs at the ripe old age of 12 and the whole “numerous caps in your ass” drama.

Mr. Cent

While you are a wee bit scary, I enjoy your music.  If I had to choose my favorite song of yours, I would probably say Hustler’s Ambition (you totally thought I was going to say In Da Club, right?  Aren’t white people exhausting?).  Hustler’s Ambition is a pretty laid back jam and I think you offer up valid, magical life advice.

Allow me to use a few of your lyrics from this fine song as an example:

Conceal my weapon nice and easy so you can’t see
The penitentiary is definitely out the question for me

This is so true man, so true.  I want to get a tiny handgun to carry in my purse (like something with a understated mother of pearl inlay grip), but my husband said no because he thinks I will take it out and wave it around in Target if they are out of Mrs. Meyers hand soap or something.  You know what?  I wouldn’t because duh, the penitentiary is out of the question for me as well.  I have really temperamental skin (kinda combination, but mostly dry) and they probably don’t let you have special face creams in lock down.

I want the finer things in my life
So I hustle

Seriously, so true.  We don’t have charge cards, so I bartend for cash money.  I’m pretty sure you hustle for Bentleys and mansions, so we are probably are on a different page because the finer things in life around here are insulin and the aforementioned Mrs. Meyers hand soap.  However, my husband and I are currently in the process of upgrading to a king sized mattress.  Fingers crossed I make enough cash tonight at work to afford a set of sheets for that bad boy.

Them hollow tips bent me up, but I’m back in shape
Pour Crystal in the blender and make a protein shake

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think you are saying you were busted from being shot and you made a champagne health drink and you are back in business.  While I offer a polite “No thank you” to the body penetrating bullets, I say a hearty “Yes please” to the alcoholic blender drinks.  Actually, if getting shot gives me a free pass to boozing it up at like 8 in the morning, I might consider it.

Curtis (can I call you Curtis?), while I do think you are single handedly running the rap scene, I am also a mother of two impressionable children.  I’m not going to go all censorship-y on you because I think you are fly and I remember how pissed I was when I was like 12 and my mom wouldn’t let me get the new N.W.A. cassette.  I just wanted to let you know that during my daughter’s last week of school, her 4th grade class performed an original rap they wrote themselves about Science.

Science, Curtis.

When her class threw down with this:

When you exercise well
Your muscles will swell
Our joints allow us to bend and sway
Our bodies do that every single day
Get puffy, get puffy, get puffy
Word

The audience went wild, I mean, like fah-reaked, Curtis.  Granted, the audience contained mostly grade school students, but don’t count this educational avenue out.  I mean, how much more gangster shit could you possibly have to rap about?

Food for thought, Curtis, food for thought.

gangsta

Sincerely,

ZDub

P.S. If you have time, I was wondering if I could get that recipe for the champagne shake?  I would probably use coconut milk since we are off of dairy, so just let me know if that would work.

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