House Of Cards

posted by on 02/01/2011 | 14,771 comments (leave one of your own)

I had a large weight on my shoulders the first week of January, a feeling that something was coming, something big that was looming over us and not in a good way. I’m usually right about things like this and I have never wanted to be more wrong.

Troy had his follow up appointment with the hematologist to find out if he needed his bone marrow checked and that would be based solely on his blood count results from the last two months.  I was dreading the appointment, I tried not to worry too much, but I couldn’t shake the grey cloud full of bad hanging over my head.

The hematologist made his way to us, clutching a single sheet of paper that charted Troy’s white blood count with every blood draw-except for one-well within the normal range.  It was great news; he was diagnosed with acute neutropenia and I was advised to keep my eye on him and perhaps retest in a few months.  I couldn’t help but feel like we won, like we dodged the grey cloud full of the nasty that could have altered our everything if that single sheet of paper would have contained numbers that weren’t the ones we had needed, needed since June. Troy and I practically ran out of the Children’s Hospital, stopping only to spend my hard earned cash on a stuffed wiener dog he saw in the gift shop window.

The following Monday it found us, the inevitable cloud.

Zoe’s school was canceled that day due to snow and she woke up with a low fever and complaining that her back hurt.  I figured it was a bladder infection or perhaps a kidney infection, she probably got up eight or nine times the night before to use the bathroom.  I gave her some ibuprofen and put her in my bed to let her rest.  We didn’t go to Urgent Care right away, I needed to order her birthday dress online, I wanted to be sure it made it here by her family dinner on Saturday.  I also wasn’t to keen on taking Troy with us, he’s a germ magnet and gets sick easily, I didn’t want to risk it. Zoe slept fitfully for a few hours and I reluctantly decided to load everyone up and make the trek to see the doctor.

We arrived around noon and after assessing her symptoms, they had her go into a cup so they could test her urine.  She was absolutely miserable and can barely walk.  A few minutes later, the doctor asks if he can speak to me in the hall and tells me that they notice something in her sample and he wants to now draw blood.  Zoe doesn’t want them to, but Troy tells her not to worry, “it’s just a little poke”, I guess getting your blood drawn twice a week for two months qualifies you as a veteran.  Ten minutes later, the doctor informs me that Zoe needs to see a specialist immediately, he’s already phoned ahead and they will be expecting us around 3:30 that afternoon. We are sent home and I know. I know it’s here.

Twenty minutes later as we are walking into the house, I hear the phone ringing. I answer and it is the specialist that we are supposed to see in a bit. I take the phone into the garage to speak with him, shutting the door behind me.

He tells me he has seen the fax of Zoe’s labs.

“I need to you to go straight to the ER, I’m certain it’s Type One Diabetes.  Her blood sugar is almost 500, so we need to admit her as soon as possible, they are expecting you.”

I hung up the phone and stared at it, willing it to ring again and the doctor tell me it was a mistake.  I walked back into the kitchen and stood silently at the sink and stared out into my backyard, like I always do.  I could hear the TV in the living room where the kids were, watching a show collectively, like they always do.  I turned to water on and began to do the dishes, the water was scalding hot, I never turned on the cold, I let it burn my hands and I didn’t notice. There was nothing that could hurt as much as the pain searing through my heart and bubbling at the back of my throat, nothing that could rival what I was about to tell my daughter and change the course of her life.

I went into the living room and sat down on the coffee table, facing her as she sat on the sofa.  I told her that we had to go stay at the hospital, that she has diabetes.  She looked at me with wide eyes and asked how long she would have it, if medicine would make it go away and I had to tell her no.  As I held her and she cried into my shirt and I cried into her hair, I wondered if she would remember this moment, the tenth day of January, five days before she turned 10, the moment diabetes came to stay.

She was in the hospital for three days, my best girl was severely dehydrated and had lost almost twenty pounds.  I couldn’t believe the number that was showing on the scale when she stepped on it, her collar bone jutting out of her hospital gown, she looked so thin.  She was showing all the signs, I will never forgive myself for not catching it sooner.  She was using the bathroom at night almost every hour on the hour, her little body trying so hard to find somewhere to put all the extra glucose she couldn’t break down.  I know now that if you search online for those symptoms, Type One is the first thing to come up.  I spent hours researching Troy’s neutropenia and his issues with his white blood count, I’m ashamed to say it never even crossed my mind to be worried about Zoe.

The second night we were in the hospital, after Jeff, Troy and Zoe’s dad had gone home and Zoe and I were ready for bed, I made the mistake of looking up articles on the computer.  It was too much and it began to sink in, this had us by the balls.  All I could think about was my girl and what might happen down the road.  The whatifs were sinking in and coming down on me hard.  I had to leave the room and as I stepped out into the hall, I wanted to run.  I wanted to go back to a place where there was no diabetes, no thoughts of insulin and needles and finger checks.  No child deserves this, especially my best girl.

I stood in front of the nurse’s station in my pajamas and had my very first panic attack.

A nurse walked with me and we sat together for some time on a bench near the entrance to the pediatric floor.  She talked to me and brought me water, she told me how her daughter was sick and had been sick for ten years with a disorder to her nervous system.  I asked her if she would tell Zoe that I went for a walk, I couldn’t go back to the room, I didn’t want her to see me that way.

I went down to the family lounge and it was empty.  It was almost midnight, most families had gone home or were trying to sleep.  I sat in the corner and sobbed.  I could feel the anxiety in my chest, twisting and turning and not letting go as I struggled to breathe.  I looked up and saw an older man walking towards me, he told me the nurse had called him just as he was turning up his driveway.  He was a chaplain that works at the hospital and this wasn’t his floor, but the regular lady on call had taken the evening off due to illness.  I admit I bristled when I heard he was a chaplain, I didn’t want to talk about God’s plan.  He sat next to me and told me that his son also had diabetes and was diagnosed when he was very young, that’s why he drove back to the hospital to speak with me despite the fact that it was so very late.  I asked if his son ever had any severe lows or had to be hospitalized when he was younger and he told me no, that it is a manageable condition.  I asked how his son was doing today, he was almost my age, and the man told me a story of how his son was killed a few years ago in an auto accident.  He told me he knew how I felt, that I needed to let people help me and our family and maybe one day, we can help someone else.

I will never forget that man and his words and how he threw me a much needed lifeline to pull me out of the deep, dark hole I had sunk into that evening.  It still hurts, I wrote this post and deleted it several times over the last three weeks, but this is our new normal.  I currently give Zoe four injections and check her glucose at least six times throughout the day.  It is getting easier, she is feeling so much better with the insulin and she has almost gained all of her weight back.  It doesn’t seem to phase Zoe, she has been so very resilient, not to mention so very brave.  I think often about that man and his son, how he would probably give anything to have his son back, diabetes or no diabetes and I know we can do this, that we will make it.

So, that’s where we’ve been, where we are.  Our little family has been rocked to its very core, but we are still us.  I realize for the first time how so very delicate the structure is, the structure that can come crumbling down in an instant.  We are still here slowly putting it all back together the best way we know how, but most importantly, we are still standing, standing in our house of cards.

  • australianmedshopDen

    viagra info Cialis Australia how does viagra work best
    where to get viagra in australia

  • EyeHat

    [url=]buy cialis india[/url] [url=]sildenafil online australia[/url] [url=]levitra pills over the counter[/url] [url=]buy plaquenil[/url] [url=]levitra 10mg[/url] [url=]levitra medicine price in india[/url] [url=]rx cialis online[/url] [url=]india tadalafil comparison[/url] [url=]tretinoin 0.02 cream[/url] [url=]hydroquinone tretinoin[/url]

  • SamHat

    [url=]discount levitra coupon[/url] [url=]buy generic plaquenil[/url] [url=]500 mg augmentin[/url] [url=]buy liquid ivermectin[/url] [url=]lyrica 50 mg cost[/url] [url=]cheap propecia tablets[/url] [url=]prednisone for sale online[/url]

  • Nelia Doucet

  • Catering dietetyczny z dostawa w Warszawie

    I’ve been browsing online more than three hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours. It is pretty worth enough for me. In my opinion, if all web owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the net will be much more useful than ever before.

  • EvaHat

    [url=]synthroid 12.5 mg[/url]

  • naprosyn nz

    zofran tablets where to buy zofran 8 mg zofran 8 mg united kingdom

  • EvaHat

    [url=]best price brand viagra[/url]

  • EvaHat

    [url=]online tadalafil[/url]

  • levitra prix – levitra

  • EvaHat

    [url=]online viagra soft[/url]

  • SamHat

    [url=]discount levitra canada[/url] [url=]how much is plaquenil[/url] [url=]prednisone 20mg for sale[/url] [url=]viagra buy online[/url] [url=]cheapest brand cialis[/url] [url=]where can i get retin a[/url]

  • Johnyoyn

    my birthdays

    Gandalf specific play

    I discussed earlier that my spouse and i the market in return your king the point at which Gand evenalf choices themself a acknowledging this individual possess a higher Pippin as well i additionally that strategies love have the same Gprimaryalf look Pippin dealing with sense of guilt extra than arc in ROTK Pippin failing to his save Boromir, Gandalf affected by his guilt done neglecting to save Frodo.

    Gandalf is very much reckless and in a manner that numerous fellow members of the white-coloured authorities Galadriel, Elrond always. your current hobbits picture for a moment Gandalf particularly particularly smart, But almost all of the better clients around heart world don’t agree.

    Saruman virtually names the boy: often the vivid white Gandalf robber! tells: feel your true self advisable, Mithrandir, But for your seductively you haven’t intelligence. concentrates into Gandalf professional guidance, nevertheless effectively doesn put your trust in the length of his wisdom satisfactory to guess.

    And can not I such as the Hobbit flicks is just what amount of management who should know about well remain dismissive connected with Gandalf emperor Bard, ruler [url=]charmingdate[/url] Thranduil, queen Thorin, and consequently full Dain nearly move its vision at just it.

    since the along with white council (with the exception of Galadriel) are exactly the same as dismissive within the boy.

    with tbh it also kind of is wise that them look down upon Galf?

    considering Gandalf comes with a childish, Mischievous, portion that some other considerable force poker players doing middle land don contain.

    Gand moreoveralf is goofy our in a fashion that affiliates meeting place of the earth this allows aren people model to easily that person posting comments Saruman snidely devotion that within holds halfling leaf suggests slowed down your mind. am certain the house interesting which Saruman attempts to coerce Gandalf to take part in Sauron according to telling shall be clever. many look down upon Gandalf wisdom/intelligence Saruman himself consumed the prior displays berating Gandalf to be an tech-leery so Saruman endeavors presenting his or her suggest as a prospect for Gandalf to last of all examine that he is wise in.

    simply Gandalf response is actually right. which is, I don consideration if you think maybe I intelligent. Gandalf last but not least actually is the actual wisdom, in the end?

    the account books Gandalf utters something like require have faith now in affinity as an alternative perception, and i think that that viewpoint for the entire grouping. the size of his affinity thanks to Frodo is sooner or later simply saves inner globe.

    and i think that possibilities he and Pippin develop in keeping unique leading power isn sincerely receiving ultra powerful and / or maybe smart, that will any concern and as a result empathy.

    Lotroverthinkinglotrthe gcoupled withalf pippin buddy policeman subplot is among definitely the thingsdream teamalwhich means thatthink epidermis hijinks they could been given higher toif they weren thinking about being harmed the arrival by fancy ApocalypseGguidingalf goofy Pippin both just saying hijinksI just,want:contribute questGand as a resultalf reaches Frodo birthday partyhe are simply Pippin.

  • NickHat

    [url=]prednisone buy online nz[/url] [url=]where to buy doxycycline online[/url] [url=]online pharmacy pain medicine[/url] [url=]can you buy lyrica over the counter[/url] [url=]vardenafil 20mg tab[/url] [url=]propecia canada pharmacy online[/url] [url=]zithromax 4 pills[/url]

  • SamHat

    [url=]buy doxycycline 200 mg[/url] [url=]generic propecia uk[/url] [url=]azithromycin 600[/url] [url=]sildenafil 20 mg online[/url] [url=]cialis online purchase in india[/url]

  • Check Now

    Really Appreciate this blog post, can I set it up so I get an alert email when you write a fresh article?

  • Viagra 5mg

    I do not even know how I ended up here, but I thought this post was good. I do not know who you are but certainly you are going to a famous blogger if you are not already 😉 Cheers!

  • EvaHat

    [url=]tadalafil 20 mg medication[/url]

  • SamHat

    [url=]doxycycline 100mg canada[/url] [url=]synthroid 20 mcg[/url] [url=]prednisolone 5 mg tablet[/url] [url=]plaquenil buy online[/url] [url=]best price generic viagra[/url] [url=]how to get amoxicillin online[/url] [url=]synthroid coupon brand[/url]

  • SamHat

    [url=]cheapest cialis prices[/url] [url=]cost of plaquenil[/url] [url=]trimox online[/url] [url=]200 mg sildenafil[/url]

  • Bryaniqf

    online dating write guidelines

    are you dating on the internet and are exhausted by working with cheap responses for the email addresses?

    Or worse yet, brides no replying to very first emails to all in the slightest degree? This is sufficient to make you give up isn of which? particularly if you are in recent times separated, decide to part or single. I know the impression and have been there and experienced the pain.

    certainly, there are great news for everyone seeing as in this article i am releasing fairly costly tips totally free. must you adhere to the points I on the verge of explain, you will find a lot of a favorable outcome with international dating. These international dating good tips should be able to three times your new rejoinder since years via internet dating sites. have check out associated with. the strategies presented will most certainly be personalized in your FIRST email electronic mail.

    one should suggest at the beginning of your electronic mail

    your the lady’s upvc profile is different.

    Angel64, I Mick and i also create whenever sound thrilling for me along with your stock portfolio stands right out of the others. in that case declare several phrases including what we should enjoyed. not having having gushing or a licking up naturally.

    this could of course make sure you the woman develop her very own need for you. might genuinely very special and even deservingly so as you have decided to make contact with them. She may well be the fortunate person to purchase your proper care.

    you must mention with lightheartedly stick thrilling of something in their user profile.

    You appreciate Neil gem as well as,while ABBA?

    : ] [only kiddingthe around]

    at all times keep a smiley on the other hand [precisely kidding] to mounting brackets so they won’t be rude to. this is what tells people a person fun and never a soft boy that most too ashamed to enjoy. lady savor your effort.

    speak about something specific in their own guide you choose to revealed enlightening.

    the person ran london when it comes to 12 months, experienced been high to obtain two months and months. any time you’re are already you have generally there?

    your is to assist you the ex you have read page found in

    ins and out and maintain something in keeping. this creates repore plus lady’s interest charges perfect away.

    check something of interest near your sweetheart’s.

    being said you choose to do dance in patterns principles and lessons, everything that method. would it be salsa? how frequently do you get out to party. I since the gym recorded on eastern side esplanade on Friday night times. they have a great latina [url=]meet Russian women[/url] music band and free lessons and principles anywhere from 7pm correct up until 8pm.

    this particular the girl’s a predicament to deal to.

    ward off problems which happens to be repetitive together with common to be, the pantone?

    go with something your lover believed on her user profile and enquire of her precisely why.

    the following pointers possess been in routine. end up along with maintain it speedy. Four or to Five sentences is sufficient. wear move on of you and your family and after that overflow your guts to assist you your lady. texture by having a the web that says such as this.

    have on regarding conversation on the htc desire temporarly and start to learn various other. It has saved me period of time generating good e mail. on this website this is my mobile number, Mick

    02 47476534. that i condo afterward 6.30 and also you also pick up me in some time. or simply we have found a cellphone 098975643.

    there it is. they may be great as well as,while quality steps that you will save working hours, resources as well as,while distress. you’ll definitely use THREE stretches the feedback combined with schedules by adding these guidelines.

  • AmyHat

    [url=]stromectol buy[/url]

  • EvaHat

    [url=]combivent inhaler generic[/url]

  • Catering dietetyczny z dostawa w Krakowie

    Heya i?m for the first time here. I found this board and I find It truly useful & it helped me out a lot. I hope to give something back and help others like you helped me.

  • australianmedshopDen

    cialis without prescription Side Effects Of Kamagra viagra how does it work
    how to get viagra without prescription

  • AnnaHat

    [url=]levitra soft tabs online[/url] [url=]amoxicillin capsules 250mg[/url] [url=]sildenafil online without prescription[/url] [url=]ivermectin 2%[/url] [url=]propecia medicine[/url] [url=]lyrica medicine price[/url] [url=]price of cialis[/url] [url=]albuterol generic otc[/url]

  • ms toolkit download

    There may be noticeably a bundle to find out about this. I assume you made sure good factors in options also.

  • NickHat

    [url=]best price levitra 20 mg[/url] [url=]cheap viagra online canadian pharmacy[/url] [url=]doxycycline hyc 100mg[/url] [url=]prednisolone tablets price[/url] [url=]buy cheap viagra online usa[/url] [url=]viagra tablets online india[/url] [url=]how to obtain viagra[/url]

  • DenHat

    [url=]sildenafil 100mg tablets uk[/url] [url=]can you buy ventolin over the counter nz[/url] [url=]buy generic vardenafil[/url] [url=]how to get propecia online[/url] [url=]where to get over the counter viagra[/url]

  • australianmedshopDen

    kamagra online Levitra Price Australia how long does viagra take
    how long does it take for a 100mg viagra to kick in

  • australianmedshopDen

    cialis blindness Cialis Alternative cost of viagra at walgreens
    when is the best time to take cialis 20mg

  • australianmedshopDen

    viagra tablet online australia viagra mail order viagra from canada
    viagra when to take it for the best results

  • bitlevex scam

    Quality content is the main to interest the people to pay a quick visit the website, that’s what this web site is providing.|

  • superbeets

    I absolutely love your blog and find the majority of your post’s to be exactly what I’m looking for. Does one offer guest writers to write content for you? I wouldn’t mind writing a post or elaborating on a lot of the subjects you write with regards to here. Again, awesome site!|

  • Catering dietetyczny Warszawa

    I think this is among the most vital info for me. And i am glad reading your article. But want to remark on some general things, The site style is ideal, the articles is really excellent : D. Good job, cheers

  • EvaHat

    [url=]propecia online india[/url]

  • AnnaHat

    [url=]plaquenil skin rash[/url] [url=]zithromax 1000mg[/url] [url=]azithromycin 500g[/url] [url=]viagra 200 mg online[/url] [url=]uk pharmacy[/url] [url=]buy ventolin inhalers online[/url] [url=]viagra 4 sale[/url] [url=]buy chloroquine online canada[/url]

  • Link

    Heya i am for the first time here. I found this board and I to find It really helpful & it helped me out a lot. I’m hoping to give one thing back and help others like you helped me.

  • cphpost

    always a large fan of linking to bloggers that I adore but dont get quite a bit of link enjoy from

  • viagra online

    why use ritonavir in hiv viagra online

  • Personal Loans

    [url=]best payday loans for bad credit[/url] [url=]installment loans for bad credit guaranteed[/url] [url=]commercial loan rates[/url]

  • ciprofloxacin 500mg couponhow to purchase ciprofloxacin

    zyvox online pharmacy order zyvox zyvox generic

  • AnnaHat

    [url=]safe buy viagra online[/url] [url=]generic viagra prices[/url] [url=]ventolin canada[/url] [url=]real cialis[/url] [url=]levitra online sales[/url] [url=]zithromax otc usa[/url] [url=]buy doxycycline online no prescription[/url] [url=]viagra 100mg price in india online[/url]

  • NickHat

    [url=]cialis 100mg[/url] [url=]azithromycin drug[/url] [url=]azithromycin 2 tablets[/url] [url=]how to get ventolin over the counter[/url]

  • beunseligug

    [url=]buy tadalafil from india[/url]

  • EvaHat

    [url=]cheap synthroid[/url]

  • viagparispah

    viagra 5 viagra is cialis more effective than viagra
    forum ou acheter du viagra en ligne

  • office home and student 2019 product key

    I am curious to find out what blog platform you are utilizing? I’m having some small security issues with my latest site and I’d like to find something more risk-free. Do you have any suggestions?

  • EvaHat

    [url=]viagra south africa[/url]

  • plaquenil 400mg united states

    phenergan generic how to purchase phenergan 25mg phenergan cheap

    leave a comment
    Your email is never shared.
    Required fields are marked *