I’ve Read The Script And The Costume Fits

posted by on 12/31/2016 | 50 comments (leave one of your own)

My WordPress dashboard tells me I’ve started writing this post and saved it seven eight times, so I’m just going to write it and publish it and hopefully get over the blogging block that’s been plaguing me for a year.

I also don’t want my blogging archives to go from 2015 straight to 2017 because continuity.

It’s been exactly a year since the children and I sold our house. It took me a week to move; we took the necessities to a very small apartment here in town and the rest went into a storage unit. When we moved into that old house in the woods, I thought it was the forever house, but the only guarantee regarding forever is ironically nothing is forever. Closing the door and leaving that life behind broke my heart into a gazillion pieces.

IMG_6469

My divorce was finalized without fanfare in the summer of 2015. I found out the judge had signed off on the dissolution of my marriage via an email from my lawyer while I was in the nail salon getting a pedicure. It wasn’t what I wanted, but I look back on it now and sadly I can’t really visualize it any other way. Three years ago, my ex was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder and began to struggle with addiction, struggle being a gross understatement. Our life at the time unfolded into an absolute utter nightmare, I wouldn’t wish what he went through and continues to battle on my worst enemy. I think perhaps that him walking away from us was because he loved us, at least that’s what I tell myself in a deluded way of thinking that allowed me to get out of bed in the morning for the first six months after he left.

IMG_8375

I bought a lovely townhouse in May and moved again for the second time in less than five months. I know it is rather cliché to divorce and live in a townhouse, but look, anything to keep from raking pine needles and cleaning gutters.

IMG_8808

My kids are doing amazing and I can’t believe how lucky I am, they are my favorite humans.

Looking at these photos and typing this, it seems like a lifetime ago. I guess there are just some chapters you just don’t read aloud. Or in this case, some blog posts you just don’t publish.

IMG_8812

I’m not going to sugarcoat this mess, shit was bleak, and I am so very proud of us, my little family. I feel like we can finally exhale and we are exactly where we were meant to be. It is weird and freaking scary and looks so much more different than I ever imagined, but I do know that fun becomes fun, love becomes love, and I am grateful.

IMG_9407

Happy New Year to us all.

    Comments
  • Jules


    Heart emoji, Z.

    • Zak


      Thanks, friend.

  • susannah murdock


    Oh, how I’ve missed you! But also know firsthand how seriously effed up life can get. Welcome to the other side, if it can ever be that simple. Perhaps better to just say hi. And give you a (stupid digital) hug.

    Xo.

  • Rebeca


    Some years kick our asses, but then some years we kick ass. Lots of love for you and your kiddos.

  • Corrie


    Oh Zak!! I am so, so, so very sorry. I know that doesn’t mean much coming from a complete stranger who lives halfway across the world, but I say out and mean it anyway. I am so proud of you and the offspring for being resilient!
    If it makes you feel any better, we have posted a blog post since the summer of 2014! Completely different reasons, but a block nonetheless.
    Every time I see squirrel stuff I think of you. I think I have shared some to your FB page, too. Aaaaaannnnndddd now I sound creepy. I’m not! Promise!
    Anyway, I missed you and writing and your fun pictures.

  • Ashley Valentine


    I’m glad to see you back, Z. Much love mama, and Happy New Year to you and yours.

  • Mona


    You are beyond strong. Your kids truly benefit from your courage and strength. That last pic shows so much.

  • Traci Moore


    Coming from a complete stranger, I was/am in the same boat you are. Married 24 years and divorce final Dec 14. Never pictured my life this way but it is what it is. The substance abuse is hard to watch but glad my kids are away from it. This is our new beginning too…moved into new house, sold old house, making new fun memories. It’s hard everyday but us mom’s are going to do what we hope is best for our babies!! Hoping 2017 brings us both joy and peace and laughter….hugs from Texas!!
    Ps….have missed your blogs that made me roll with laughter reading them!!

  • Caron


    God bless y’all! As Glennon says, life is brutiful. Here’s to a much better 2017!

  • Jennifer Jo


    All the courage and love, friend. xo

  • Amber Bartell


    You are strong and brave Z, and your kids are amazing humans because they have you as a role model.

  • Amber


    Love to your little family.

  • Stephanie


    So powerful and victorious! You inspire me big time. ❤️

    Steph

  • Miranda


    *hugs* from a long time lurker. Glad to see you back, I’ve missed you’re authentic voice.

  • Deb


    I’m sorry, Zachary. I have thought of you often over the last year (especially when I see anything squirrel-related). I’m glad things are settling in for you.

  • Kate


    Happy New Year to your family!! I am hoping this year is full of continued healing and joy. I am glad you are back to blogging, you were always fun to read!!

  • Kate S.


    I have missed your blog posts so much and thought of you surprisingly often! I am so glad to see this post, even if it was wrought out of terrible pain. I hope 2017 brings you brighter things and that you’ll share them with us!

  • SJ


    Sending good vibes. You are awesome.

  • LB


    I’m with Miranda. Glad you’re back!

  • Liz


    It is so nice to hear that you and your awesome kids are okay. Sometimes the only way out is through, and getting there is one step in front of the other. Congratulations on making it as far as you have!

  • Karen


    I am so glad that you are back. I know I am a total stranger, but I have followed your blog for years now and always looked forward to it. You always made me smile and a lot of times laugh. I always thought you were someone it would be so fun to hang out with. I am so happy that your life is getting better. Wishing all the best for you and looking forward to your blogging again.

  • Ray Montana


    Man, I’m glad you’re back! I’ve missed you and I relate to this post more than any you’ve ever published. Thank you. Hang in sister, sending strength and hugs.

  • Holland VanDieren


    Welcome home.

  • Twinkle


    I understand living with a person with a mental illness. It’s heartbreaking to not recognize the person you chose.
    You are doing what’s best for you and your family. You are doing a great job. You are wonderful.

  • JennyMac372


    Hi Z, I have missed your blog posts. Everytime I see squirrels, I think of you. Strangley, we moved in July and have had both flying squirrels and grey squirrels living in our addict…I can’t say I am not a huge fan, because I didn’t sleep for a month in October. ??

    I am sorry to hear what you have been through in the past year or so. I use to work for NAMI-RI and I have heard many families speak of similar stories such as yours. Your children are so lucky to have such a strong mom to help them through it all. My wish for you is that 2017 brings you and your loved ones peace, comfort, hope and awesomeness! ❤

  • Leslie {Ms. Magpie}


    Happy New Year. You have been missed and I wish you a brighter and lighter 2017 🙂

  • Deb F.


    I am so glad to see you are all well. AND, this is so freaky. I thought just last night “I need to look to see if ‘Raising Colorado’ has surfaced. I do that sometimes: I think of something from long ago and the next day something crops up relating to it. If only I could use this to win the lottery. Good luck to you and your little family.

  • Liz


    This is so much. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping you’re well. I pray that 2017 is a better year, in every possible way.

  • Erin


    Sorry it’s been such a rough year. Thanks for sharing your journey with us.

  • Lindsay


    Welcome back <3

  • Becky


    Dude, you rock! I’m glad you’re back.

  • Erica


    Glad you’re okay. Happy New Year!

  • Lydia


    For joy that you are back! I have checked your blog at least once every two weeks to see what was up. So happy to hear you all are doing well. Divorce can be the most painful, altering, and liberating change of your life. Big hugs girl.

  • Shirley B.


    So glad to see you back. You’ve got a lot of people you don’t even know pulling and praying for you and your kids. You are righteous.

  • Kimmee


    Welcome Back!

  • Jessica


    So sorry to hear about all your struggles. Not that it’s probably much comfort, but I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 back in 2009 (although I’ve probably had it at least 10 years longer than that) and haven’t blogged much in the past 18 months because my T1 was (psych) hospitalized last summer and most likely has BP1 also, although so far it’s just generic “mood disorder” because they were 11 at the time (13 now) and much more depressed than manic.

    I wish you and your kids nothing but the absolute best. I also hope that your ex is smart enough to get the help he needs to get his life back together because it is possible to manage BP, just like it’s possible to manage T1. Both have their ups and downs and can turn on a dime, but over time you learn how to see things when they’re coming and help head them off and push through it and learn to cope and healthily deal with what comes.

    Stay strong!

  • Megan


    I Love your writing and have often checked back to see if there was an update. I’m so glad you are all doing ok. Also, I had a squirrel collection as a kid, and got rid of the whole collection. My kids decided I need to re-start it – and I now have a squirrel mug, my first piece.
    Anyway – it sounds like it was so painful but glad to see things looking brighter for you! Thanks for the post, they always make me smile.

  • Tamara


    OMG I’m just now reading this. Mazel tov to your threesome (you know what I mean). Sending love.

  • click here


    The Number One Approach to Use for Web Design http://graficaosasco41738.onesmablog.com/web-design-los-angeles-Secrets-8739994

  • teeflat.com


    Pⅼease let me know if you’re looking for а author for your
    site. You have some really good postѕ and I think I would be a
    good asset. If you eᴠer want to tɑҝe sоme of the load off, I’d love
    to write some articleѕ for your blog in еxⅽһange for a link back to mine.
    Plеase shoot me an e-maiⅼ іf interested. Many tһanks!

  • hermes belt


    Youre so cool! I dont suppose Ive read anything like this before. So good to search out any individual with some unique ideas on this subject. realy thanks for beginning this up. this web site is one thing that’s wanted on the internet, someone with slightly originality. helpful job for bringing something new to the internet!

  • Becky


    Z- I was an avid reader for many years and stopped when it seemed you became very busy speaking. I just linked here from a FB memory of your homemade stain remover. Such enormous changes lived and challenges met. I’m very happy to read and see that you and yours are emerging through.

  • Jen


    i miss your blog!!!

  • BrittnyJuicy


    Hi. I see that you don’t update your blog too often.
    I know that writing posts is boring and time consuming.

    But did you know that there is a tool that allows you to create new
    articles using existing content (from article directories or other
    websites from your niche)? And it does it very well.

    The new articles are unique and pass the copyscape test.
    You should try miftolo’s tools

  • Jamie Thompson


    Come back to us please

  • lizzie


    Where are YOOOOOOOOOOOU?

    (Hope it’s a happy place.)

    {{Hugs}}

  • Arley Ballenger


    Nicole Ⅿade This – Purveyor oof tһe Bеst Bath Goodies ߋn the Planet.
    DB: І think balancing the business and social aspects
    օf this position are one and the same. Consumers wіthin tthis industry
    аlso depict trewnds aѕ well thougһ.

  • Lily


    Zachary – I fell madly, deeply in love with you and your family years ago, I think Zoe was just Dx’d with direbeaties (can’t remember your word). Fell in love with your quirky name and matching sense of humor, best kids on the planet (on the podium with my own – of course) and your inexplicable fascination with squirrels, (didn’t get it) and hot Asian-mix UPS drivers (got it).

    I just tuned back in for the first time in years and found life took a turn for you. For what it’s worth, I think you’re right. I think Jeff had to leave because he couldn’t take you guys down with him. I’ve seen it in my own BIL.

    I think you still have a singular and powerful voice on the internet. I don’t do bloggers, but I’ve always found you to be an internet linchpin for fun and honesty. Qualities I look for in my own friendships. And now, I’d add heartbreaking honesty. Again, something I cherish.

    You’re so unique. I can’t tell one blogger from the next, but you’re so different. I can’t tell you how many times that something you wrote caught me off guard in the most delightful way and waaaay later I’ll flash to it and smile.

    Don’t lose your voice, don’t lose the sense of who you are when you’re alone and utterly authentic, and don’t lose heart. Peace and joy are paths. Long, winding, sometimes treacherous paths.

    With love from a fan.

    Lil

  • Jenny


    Are you coming back….please!!

  • swimwear sale


    swimwear sale
    I also made a ton of great friends and met some of my heroes (Cyd Gillon,
    Sandra Grajales, Tiffany Boyer). Just coming
    out of this season with my marriage stronger than ever, a new
    career, new friends, and a better outlook made every minute of
    struggle worth it. I hope this write up helps.

    cheap bikinis He in C tier in Skorbrand tierlist for 1v1s and the general consensus is he extremely lackluster.
    In 4s his viability is almost completely reliant on his
    feats, as without his bombs he only good for ganking with imaple and long arm, and near worthless in a 1vX
    or teamfight scenario. In terms of character design he one of the most oppressive and boring characters
    to fight because of shove on block. cheap bikinis

    wholesale bikinis Winner. The question here is what you using to capture.
    Ideally, get something that you can pipe into PC over USB/Firewire (yes this is still a thing), then programmatically control with a command line
    script. This is a neat tool that will produce
    some interesting things, but the original images will
    be the ones that will remain timeless.Now, remastering though would be taking an original
    scan of a printed image and editing our any tears, folds or discoloration. And I think
    that would be a more useful tool.Shadrach451 4 points submitted 13 days agoMaybe it
    depends on the position you are applying for and the nature of the company.
    But I have never in my career heard of such a thing as an interview thank you note.
    wholesale bikinis

    cheap bikinis My girlfriend brother has a mental disability
    and lives in a home about six hours from us. The first
    time I met him I was absolutely unprepared, I was 18 years old and he was 25 ish with the mind of
    a 2 5 year old. At the time he looked at me like a caretaker and asked me
    to give him food he couldn open and things like
    that, he can actually say words, but sort of hums, and I didn have any
    idea what was going on. cheap bikinis

    cheap bikinis When we look at our financials then for quarter 4, 2017; for revenues, we did NOK 358 million, a growth
    of 3% year over year, and hydrogen and Light Duty Vehicles really driving that growth in the quarter.

    For EBITDA we did NOK 39.9 million. And when we compare against quarter 4 2016, here we’ve stripped out the one time exceptional gain for the Agility transaction in Q4 to make these numbers more comparable.
    cheap bikinis

    Women’s Swimwear Webb entered show business in 1932 as a chorus girl.

    She worked in shows created by black producers/choreographers such as
    Leonard Harper and Lew Crawford. “The Hottest Colored Revue in Town” and “Sepia Rhythm” were typical revue titles; skin color and hot tempos were
    prime components in marketing black performance.
    Women’s Swimwear

    Bathing Suits Yeah, I kept mine as show stock as
    a kid in 4H (like an agricultural/home ec club scouting esque thing
    for the unfamiliar) and they lived in an outdoor hutch
    with elevated cages so that I could just spread straw under them and shovel it out to replace regularly.
    I read that as house pets they can be litterbox trained, but
    even though I loved mine dearly and really valued the experience of keeping them, I can quite
    imagine them as housepets. They adorable, fun, long teeth chewy destructive
    poop pee machines forever in my mind lol. Bathing Suits

    Cheap Swimsuits Wet/dry bags (zip up pouches with a waterproof lining) are one of those parenting accessories you may not
    realize you need until you get one. Then all of a sudden a million uses
    occur to you. Naturally, they handy for holding wet/dirty diapers.
    There’s also nothing meaningful or important about the results.

    Let’s be honest: this is the last, dying gasp of an industry whose
    time has passed. And the survey results are nothing more
    than laughable. Cheap Swimsuits

    dresses sale In a lofty room, ill lighted and worse ventilated,
    situated in Portugal Street, Lincoln’s Inn Fields, there sit nearly the
    whole year round, one, two, three, or four gentlemen in wigs,
    as the case may be, with little writing desks before them, constructed after the fashion of those used by the judges of
    the land, barring the French polish. There is a box of barristers on their right hand; there is an enclosure of insolvent debtors on their left; and there is an inclined plane of most especially dirty faces in their front.
    These gentlemen are the Commissioners of the Insolvent Court,
    and the place in which they sit, is the Insolvent Court itself dresses sale.

    leave a comment
    Your email is never shared.
    Required fields are marked *