Remember that time I bought a pair of skinny ankle jeans with zippers? Zoe took one look at them and said, “NO” and I said, “But can you at least-” and she replied, “NO” and that was end of that.

Something something about trying too hard and the faded wash greatly offended her.

Teenagers are a weird bunch, man. One minute they are borrowing your favorite boots/socks/sweaters/makeup and the next minute they hate your face/voice/thoughts/everything you do.

Last week, I ran lunch up to Zoe at middle school. I asked her to meet me in front of the office or I would just come find her in the cafeteria. The sheer look of horror on her face was palpable when she realized that her friends might actually see that she had a mother.

She met me in front of the office, right on time, with a few friends in tow, friends that I’ve known since they were in 4th grade, they are well aware Zoe has a mother despite Zoe’s increasing insistence that she is being raised by no one. I handed over her lunch and as I was leaving, I hugged her and I said, “Hugs and kisses!” and I’m probably very lucky I didn’t perish from blunt force trauma caused by being beat with a burrito in a bag.

When I turned to leave, I heard one of her friends say, “Zoe, your mom is SO nice!” and my heart was full.

The only thing that could have made this scenario better is kicky, faded ankle pants with zippers. I thought about it and if I’m going to be deemed embarrassing, I should really live up to the projected expectations and that’s why I purchased these glorious pants.

And I will rock these squirrel pants* all the live long day, perfect for middle school lunch drop off.

*Twenty bucks says she tries to borrow them.