The Opposite Of Cute

posted by on 08/19/2014 | 38 comments (leave one of your own)

Last week, the kids went to bed and I sat down on the couch to catch up on my reading. And by reading, I mean watching Real Housewives of Orange County. Don’t judge, I cannot quit that show even though I can practically feel my brain cells decreasing in size as I view an episode.

So, I’m sitting on the couch watching this train wreck ride elephants in Bali after Vicki had dry heaves because they made her ride in the back of the van (the gall) and I hear the dog’s food dish kind of rattle and I think “Wow that’s weird” because the dog sleeps in Zoe’s room and they went to bed like at least 45 minutes ago and he’s a total grandpa of a dog that needs like 14 hours of sleep a night. I hear the dish rattle again and then see something SCURRY across the kitchen floor towards the hall closet.

I keep staring in that direction, willing this to be my imagination and a godforsaken mouse walks right out of the hall closet and sits in the middle of the floor and stares at me like, “What?” and went about his business of moving dog food from the dog’s bowl to the hall closet like it was his job.

In my brain, I was making a list of what I needed to do to sell the house because OMG. I  tried to catch the mouse with a huge tupperware bowl from IKEA. After an hour of this bullshit, I went and woke up my mother who barricaded the damn mouse in the downstairs bathroom after unsuccessfully trying to “stun” it with a yardstick while I stood guard with a broom and made helpful comments like “We should just light the bathroom on fire”. This is my life.

If you ever find yourself in this predicament of trying to wrangle a mouse at 1 a.m. with your mother, a yardstick, and IKEA tupperware, please note the best plan of action would be to throw a towel over the mouse and then put the bucket over it. The towel will slow the mouse down/trap him temporarily. We didn’t think of this while blindly smacking at the mouse with a yardstick. You’re welcome.

The next morning I went to Lowe’s and bought everything from the “99 Problems And Mice Are All Of Them” aisle because girl, if you see one mouse you know they have friends.

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Please note we live in the woods and I see field mice quite a bit when I’m hiking OUTDOORS and they don’t bother me because they are OUTDOORS. When I see them sneaking around my kitchen and then have nightmares that they are in my pillow? Those bitches gotta go. That mouse was nowhere near our pantry, why bother with the pantry when there is an all you can eat dog food buffet right here on the floor? So convenient! My boss tried to make me feel better and pointed out that mice are kind of like squirrels, but I feel like squirrels have boundaries. I’ve been feeding squirrels for years and not once has one been all, “Ooh, let me go inside through this heating register and hide dog food in Zoe’s snow boot like a sneaky little bastard”. Plus I’m here to tell you if I find a squirrel in a snow boot? That would be a banner day in my book.

We bleached all the things, worked on sealing up any place around the heating registers that could be infiltrated, and set all the traps. No trap activity for a week, so I’m declaring this house ok for now. Winter is coming though, so I don’t want to get too cocky.

And Zoe is hilarious and keeps leaving this outside the bathroom door while I’m showering and I’ve had at least five heart attacks.

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Make me feel better and tell me you’ve had to deal with uninvited guests and that I’m not the only one. I beg of you.

  • carla

    I made pumpkin bread one night, took it out of the oven, and covered it with saran wrap. When I came downstairs the next morning, thinking I was Mother of the Year for making my kids pumpkin bread, I saw a cone shaped hole the size of a half dollar eaten out of pumpkin bread. the mouse put his whole head in my pumpkin bread! I totally freaked and immediately dialed the local critter control company. We had to have all the exterior vents sealed up in our crawl space, traps were set in the crawl space and attic, etc. After about a week, Mickey and friends moved on to another house and thankfully we haven’t had an incident since then.

    I feel you though! It makes my skin crawl thinking about mice running around my kitchen. I couldn’t buy enough Clorox bleach spray. And I still can’t look at pumpkin bread without thinking about the mouse. YUCK!!!

  • Kerry

    Ugh. We have fought this same battle and it gives me the scalp creepies just thinking about it. After we had caught most of them, we were left with one extra smart mouse that could steal the bait off the trap without getting caught and would scurry around the kitchen right when we were watching House of Cards before bed every night. I could see it from my seat on the couch, but my husband could not and I seemed like a hysterical rodent-fearing, excellent-television-disturbing spouse with no grasp on reality because by the time the mouse-trapper (husband) got to the kitchen, the mouse had disappeared under an appliance. We had to set up an elaborate system of traps and barricades to catch that extra smart mouse.

    So, yes, we have had uninvited guests, and yes, they give me the heebie-jeebies too.

  • tara

    HAHAH omg Zoe! That’s not funny and totally hilarious at the same time.

    Ugh, any type of creature in the house that is uninvited is NOT COOL. My husband and I have been intentionally homeless (he works on the road, so we stay at hotels mostly) so I have no creatures in my home. However, we did open our storage unit the other day and discovered hundreds of crickets scattering everywhere. Our car is in there, our boxes that are hopefully cricket proof and our BED.

    Time to buy cricket traps!
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  • Jessica

    If you think mice are bad try having rats move into your house because your next door neighbor rented a huge construction dumpster and used it also for household garbage. And you went away for Christmas vacation and rats decided they should housesit for you but also never leave. Oh and you have a two year old so putting out traps and poison are out of the question so you have to ship her off to grandmas until the problem is gone. And you know, you happened to mention it to someone at church and they called CPS on you. True story.
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  • Lisa

    I haven’t had any mice in my home (that I know of), but I did have a sneaky bird fly in through the stove range hood and fly around like crazy in my house. I got it outside, and the fucker came right back in! That was years ago. The problem was fixed…until recently when I found a dead bird under my couch courtesy of my (indoor only) cat. I don’t know how it got it or how long it was there, but glad my cat took care of business!

  • GG

    Don’t use glue traps, whatever you do. I had a cat get his paw stuck on one end with a mouse stuck on the other. TRAUMA. Pretty sure there is a mouse party in my attic every night at around 2am, but I’m too scared to check.

  • MissCaron

    Oh sweet baby Jesus no. No thank you. Although here in Florida we deal with our fair share of sugar ants and palmetto bugs that seem impermeable to any amount of toxic spray we use. It’s disgusting. The minute you think you’ve gotten rid of them and next thing you know there’s a line of ants who discovered the butter dish. BUTTER for crying out loud. In a freaking covered dish. We’re not talking honey here. Who knew ants liked butter!?! Anyway, thank the Lord we haven’t had any rodents (that we know of) because I would for real be selling our house even though we just bought it last year. DONE. No Way Jose.

  • Stephanie E.

    I’m going to have to one up you. Picture it being winter, you’re very much pregnant, and taking your not quite potty trained puppy out for a bathroom break at 4 AM, in your jammies, husbands boots because it’s freaking cold and your sweet snuggly puppy in your arms. You attempt to unlock the back door (in the garage) with one arm, but then you hear something moving on the shelf above you. You being the brave woman you aren’t look up just in time to see a small dog sized rodent leap down from the shelf,onto your raised arm and scurry down your back using it like a gymnast uses a spring board to hop across the garage! Yes I screamed like I was being murdered and I dropped the dog (which by the way really helped <-sarcasm my about to be a new mom self esteem, "I can't even protect our puppy how can I be a mooooooommmm!").

    I wanted to burn the house down. My husband was a wee bit more logical and said we'd pick up some traps. For the record, I've managed to overcome the new mom issues and both the dog and child are alive =)

  • Jennifer Jo

    Oh honey. There’s the time that my husband had to come home from work to remove a ROTTING mouse from under the fridge ( There’s the time I sat on a dead mouse ( And there the time (no link) that a mama rat got stuck under the mosquito net with us and woke me up by scrabbling through my hair. Oh, and there’s the time (again, no link) that a mouse went into our toaster, so, to get it out, I turned the toaster on and—sure enough—out shot the mouse.

    For killing the mouse: a firm smack with a flip-flop does wonders.

  • Stephanie Precourt

    OMG I’m thinking that poor mouse while laughing out loud. I can just see you. I hope you can stay mouse-free but I’m thinking the other mice are just going to be more careful!

    I think we have a cat living under our house. Just had the exterminators here to give us bids on keeping critters out (we have skunks around here and I’m so scared of a skunk getting down there!) and also I STILL have nightmares from the lice incident of 2011. No joke.

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  • Catherine

    We have had mice move into our basement the last two winters. We are waging war here! They don’t creep me out but they make a mess and carry disease so I bought a ‘rat zapper’ to kill them via electrocution. It does a nice job but we are getting exterminators this year to try and work out where the little suckers are getting in. We just can’t work it out.
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  • Rachel

    A few years ago the cat caught a chipmunk, brought it inside, and LET IT GO! Oh, the screaming!

  • Robin Jingjit

    We have gotten rats before! Rats! And you can’t get proper rat traps in this country, only rat glue paper. So you have to lay out the rat glue and then come down and see if there are any live, struggling rats stuck to it. It’s horrific.

    The best/worst was that once when I put out the paper (I put it out from time to time because who knows if more rats might get the same idea) I caught a snake in it! In the kitchen!
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  • Leslie

    The only real solution to a mouse is a cat. Trust.

  • Karen

    When I was about ten, Before going to sleep I sat a glass of water on a low table next to my bed in case I got thirsty during the night. When I woke up the next morning, there was a dead mouse in the glass. Apparently the bastard got thirsty and decided to help himself… but he drowned. Served him right in my opinion.

  • Deb

    ORGANIC Mouse Repellent, huh? That’s hilarious for some reason.

    The other night when *I* was watching the Real Housewives in the middle of the night, a giant centipede-y thing walked right over my arm. I woke my husband up and told him if he didn’t start spraying for bugs more regularly, I was going to call a lawyer.
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  • Issa

    The problem with the bowl thing is someone eventually has to remove said bowl. *shudder*

    You know how I feel about mice. I really hope they’re gone. Little rat bastards. errr mice bastards.

  • Megan

    This one time the refrigerator in the house I was renting got all erratic. The property manager suggested that I check under the fridge. Sucker was FLOATING on a a cushion of dog food. Awesome work, mice.

  • DaisyCat68

    I really think I peed a little when I read this! “…like it was his job…”! OMG. I’d say get a cat, but only ONE of our three will make any motion to catch anything (the oldest one only perches by the wet food and screeches until she gets a new can; guess that’s hunting for her). Our black cat is as dumb as a box of rocks AND has some type of neurological issue where he literally walks into walls, yet he catches EVERYTHING! There is a veritable cricket graveyard in front of the washer & dryer. Go figure.

  • Connie

    We have had lizards in the house at two different times (just as with you, we have plenty of them outside, and I’m fine with that, but just STAY out there, okay?). First time, I got the lizard cornered in the kitchen, opened the utility room door, and basically staked him out so I could see him leave (I looked on-line, but none of their tricks for capturing lizards worked). It took a long time, but I knew I would not be able to sleep that night unless I was CERTAIN he was out of the house. He and I were both frozen, each waiting for the other to move; finally, he cracked first and took off out the door, which I then proceeded to close and tape off (duct tape on the bottom, we never use that door). Second time, my son was old enough and into lizards that I was able to close the bathroom door (where I’d seen the lizard scurry), and shove a towel underneath to keep the creature contained until I picked up my son after school. When we got home, he went in there with a piece of cardboard and a coffee can (someone had recommended the combo) and I closed the door again, until I heard “got him.” Of course, said son then asked if we could keep him…uh, no.

  • Jessica

    The last apartment I lived in there were mice in the place above me, for a few days I kept seeing, or imagining something out of the corner of my eye in my room while laying in bed. I was positive I was seeing things. Then one night all snuggled in bed I felt something, or sensed something I suppose, behind me. I turned and a little Damn field mouse was on my pillow. ON.MY.PILLOW!!! IN MY BED! I have never gotten out of bed so fast in my life. I think I made it all the way to the hallway without touching the floor more than once (which was quite a distance). It was 11 at night, my five year old was asleep in his bed, I promptly threw on a jacket pulled my sleeping child out of bed and went to my parents house for the night. Bought traps the next day no mouse was ever to be seen again.

  • Xae

    You’re lucky it was just a mouse, cos I had to deal with a rat. I remember you commenting that you would have moved…haha!
    Good luck getting rid of it!
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  • Kerensa

    Last winter while I was letting the dog OUT, a mouse waltzed IN. The open door. Okay, snuck in really really quick. Still, open door. Sammy the Bold Huntress Kitty found him pdq, problem solved.

  • Ami

    I’d rather face a Zombie Apocalypse than a mouse, because zombies aren’t dripping with Hantavirus. And zombies can’t hide in totally small places like SOMEONE’S SUNDAY SCHOOL SHOE and give them eighteen heart attacks. You know, hypothetically speaking.
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  • Elizabeth W

    You’re not alone! When I lived in New Orleans, I moved into a recently renovated apartment and thought I was good. Nope. I killed 14 (14!) mice in 9 months. I got so tired of walking into the kitchen gingerly to see if there was a mouse in the trap. I finally used spray foam to seal up every. single. hole. I could find. Hang in there. It’ll get better!

  • JC

    Lizards! I live in the desert. They abound here, right beside the lights, for catching bug purposes, right beside both my front and back doors. They are fast little buggers, too. But not fast enough, apparently, as the door edges are festooned with lizard carcasses. I just leave them there for most of the summer as a warning to the others.

  • Margaret

    Yeahhhh, my husband and I didn’t know about the “mice have friends” thing when we found mouse poop in our kitchen. A month later I saw one run out of our basement door (basement doir was to our bedroom). We unfortunately left on vacationthe next day for two weeks. The mice had a freaking Ratatouille-style party. There was mouse poop on every surface of every floor of my house. It was so bad I had to move past “sell the house” fast or I would have keeled over in horror. There was mouse poop in my PILLOW. it was so bad that I could spot a single mouse turd from twenty feet away. We laid sticky traps in a line behind the basement (where I had seen them) and never caught one single damn mouse. The only thing that worked was boxing up all our food and laying poison traps everywhere. It eventually calmed down. A year later I was pregnant and broke my rule for the forst time and allowed crackers on the nightstand for middle of the night illness. I kid you not I woke up to the sound of a damn mouse knocking the crackers off my nightstand. And then we moved.

  • melissa

    I live where there was flooding in Colorado last september. During that time a mouse decided that she wanted to hitch a ride in my car and make my air fliter her maternity ward. I caught 8, 8! mice in my car on a sticky trap, 1 mama and 7 babies. Since then I keep getting them in my car. something about the mouse smell attracking more. I put traps in my car every night and have to steam clean, vaccum, disinfect a lot. It totally sucks!
    I hate mice, they are really, really gross!

  • Nichole

    We have a drop ceiling in our basement, which is also where our master bedroom is located.
    One night I thought I heard scurrying across the ceiling, whatever it’s totally my imagination. After a few nights I had to call my sister and brother in law to come down and look in my ceiling because I was definitely not poking my head up there and my husband works away. So they come down and don’t head anything and then look in the ceiling – nothing. Perfect, they think I’m nuts. My husband also thinks I’m crazy and I’ve got a 1.5 year old co-sleeping in the bed with me.
    I’m starting to really think it’s the wind after a few weeks of usually only hearing it when it’s kind of windy out and since it was October/November I figured it was my imagination and it was just “house noises”.
    Until one night, toddler is all snuggled up nice and cozy and I heard a small thump and then scurrying right over my head. Then scratching.
    DONE! I’m DONE! There’s no way this is my imagination.
    I scooped up the toddler and brought her upstairs to her nursery and we both slept in her crib.. and by slept I mean she was solid and I was crunched up in the crib wide eyed ready to rumble with Mickey if he ever showed his nasty face!
    Flash forward to several weeks later when nobody STILL believes me and there’s still no sign of the mice at all yet I’m still hearing noises every now and again.
    I start putting up our Christmas tree in the rec room when all of a sudden there’s scratching in the walls – well sweet hallelujah, fa la la la la, deck the halls and Merry Christmas! This guy thinks he’s welcome for turkey supper or something! I started doing the happy dance because my sister and husband were both there and I could not have been happier (at that time) to hear the little bastards!
    After weeks of living with mice in and out of our house and my husband FINALLY hearing them himself he casually says “oh well I’ll deal with them in the morning”!! YEEESSSSS that sounds like the best plan ever! And by that I mean … GET THESE BUGGERS OUT OF MY HOUSE and do it 5 weeks ago thankyouverymuch!
    Luckily – after finding a small hole leading to the outside of the house that we plugged up we haven’t heard any around.. Which is fantastic because ever since February there hasn’t been a ceiling in half of the basement due to renovations!

    You’re definitely not alone!

  • Shirley B.

    Oh girl, you are SO not alone. We’ve ALL had a mouse in our house at one time or another. And if you think you haven’t…you just don’t know about it.

  • Laura

    I feel ya, sister. I gasped at the word “scurry” at the end of the 2nd paragraph because I just KNEW. LOL at the yardstick part! We had our own mouse disaster on Mother’s day a couple of years ago. I did the same thing you did in the “99 Problems and Mice are All of Them” aisle at Lowe’s, except online. My husband mocked me but we have had no more problems in over 2 years! Hooray for peppermint oil and ultrasonic plug-in pest deterrents off ebay!

  • Amanda

    Thought I had a mouse after finding poop defiantly placed in the middle of the doorway into the kitchen and again in the doorway to the bathroom. One night my boyfriend says ” hey, come quietly into the living room and see your ‘mouse'”!
    It was a rat about seven inches long with an equally long tail!
    Apparently he had eaten old poison the landlord put out in the basement and was barely alive, staring at us. Then he scurried into the kitchen and through a tiny hole behind the fridge crawled up under my kitchen cabinet bases and died. The smell lasted for two weeks during which I had a massive sinus infection. I was so thankful for reduced sense of smell through the worst part!! Fortunately, he was the only one!
    Oddly, my daughter now has a Guinea Pig and I love him, but might not if he had a rat’s creepy tail.

  • Lizzie

    Around here in New England, deer mice carry the Hanta virus. It’s kind of like Ebola, FYI, just sayin’

    You did the right thing.

  • chris

    Years ago we had a ballsy mouse that was stealing dry food right out of the lazy cat’s food bowl. Another time (we have doggy doors), the dogs thought it would be fun to drag a dead animal thru it and deposit it in the living room. I won’t say what kind of animal it was but it started with an s and a q. So I pick up this poor dead animal with a shovel and am walking down the side street with it to find a nice place for the final resting spot and a guy in a pick up truck sees me and it and pulls over and says for me to throw it in the back of his truck and he would take care of it. true story! I said no thanks, that I would take care of it.

  • Dianinco

    OMG, I haven’t even read the other comments but they will probably be similiar. Mice—accckkkkk! Had some a couple years ago in my house from the cold winter and leaving my garage door from the house open so my chichuahus so could pee on a puppy pad in the garage. Opened the pantry one night and saw a mouse eating chips on a shelf! Barracaded my self upastairs(door shut, towel under door)until the next day whenl son in law could come over to install all of those traps in your picture. Needless to say can’t shut that garage door fast enough.

  • Sam

    Ah mouse, what can I say? You can even found them on king’s palace. Make sure you close all the holes they can use to get inside your house.
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  • LB

    We had a mouse living in our SUV one winter. I kept finding trail mix, cheese puffs, small paper pieces and other random things in my console thingy that sits between the front seats. I made a big box store run for a charity event and when I got there several of the snack bags had holes in them. Wicked little thing was busy noshing while I was driving. Wigged me out for several months every time I started driving. I constantly felt like the a-hole was watching and waiting to make a run up my pants. And that is how I started wearing leggings on a daily basis.

  • Jen

    I’m so behind on my favorite blogs that I just read this, and really I only skimmed it anyway, but let me tell you about the time that an opossum made himself at home ON MY KITCHEN COUNTER WHILE I WAS WATCHING TV A FEW FEET AWAY. It took me a while to notice that my husband was acting kind of weird. He had walked into the kitchen, and he didn’t want to freak me out, so he was trying to get rid of it very quietly. It came and went through our root cellar hatch door (105 year old house). We’ve had mice, too. Needless to say, the cellar door has been replaced.

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