Archive for August, 2013

First Day Of Pump/School. It’s 2 For 1.

posted by on 08/22/2013

On Tuesday, Zoe got her wish in the form of an insulin pump full of actual insulin. Peace out, saline. Her doctor had our settings all ready to go and the awesome Medtronic rep walked Zoe through programming everything into her pump. When we left the Barbara Davis Center, we were super excited because no shots and we headed out to lunch.

As we sat down, Zoe said, “I think I’m low”. She checked and her blood sugar was a 63, not too low. She treated the low and checked ten minutes later and she was a 43. Panic at the disco because WTF.

I made her chug glucose gel and chocolate milk. She came up eventually, but this went on ALL DAY.

We were running back to school errands, as this was the day before she was starting 7th grade. She had planned to carry her backpack from last year except when I finally dug it out of her closet, I noticed the bottom was absolutely shredded and full of holes. I’m not sure how she did this exactly, but it looks like she straight up drug it on the ground behind a moving vehicle.

So our errands consisted of going to ten different stores the day before school started looking for a gd backpack with her having a low every hour. The pump also was beeping and vibrating and as she ate the last snack out of my gigantic mom bag/diabetic supply kit in the middle of Kohl’s, I began to wonder if this pump was a good idea.

When we got home, we were both exhausted. I was mentally exhausted because WORRIED and Zoe was exhausted because I’m sure having low blood sugar all damn day isn’t pleasant.

Her blood sugar finally got above 120 and I told her to take the damn pump off and to go lie down. I did something I never do: I called her doctor at home.

He told me to keep her off the pump until she was above 150, lower all of the dosing settings on the pump, check her at midnight and 3 a.m., and to call him the next day with a blood sugar update.

I set the alarm on my phone and y’all, I went to bed terrified of low blood sugars. I realized I am much too old to wake up every three hours because I couldn’t even form sentences the next day from the all the tired. Zoe slept through both checks, FYI. She held steady all night at 159 and 155 and woke up the next day refreshed and ready for the first day of 7th grade with a solid 233 (a bit high, but better than a 43) while I debated injecting myself with straight espresso.


She did amazing during school, I mean, amazing isn’t even a big enough word. It is hard enough navigating a new school, a new locker, and oh look, a new medical life saving device, but she did it and she rocked it. And when your mother drives to ten stores looking for a backpack, you get to pose with it on the first day of school.


To review: The pump is awesome, I’m old and tired, and Zoe is going to rule the world. Look out, 7th grade. (I was going to say we are so PUMPED, but I refrained. Restraint, I have it.)


Chapter 5: What To Expect When You Are Expecting Is The Unexpected + A Giveaway

posted by on 08/21/2013

When I was pregnant with my first child 13 years ago, I was very excited. I didn’t really know anything about babies, but by god, I was going to be the best, most organized pregnant lady that ever walked the earth. It was the start of the new millennium and I had the greatest invention of all times at my disposal: dial up Internet.

I had never changed a diaper or much less held a newborn, was oblivious to words like meconium and mucous plug, but I wasn’t scared. I had the computer. I wasn’t going to be one of those moms that had a newborn and all of a sudden it looked like a baby superstore exploded all over their house and car. And you can kiss my ass with that cartoon character diaper bag. I figured a baby needed a car seat, some cloth diapers and a bassinet. I was definitely going to breastfeed, so no need for bottles. I am certain I spent the first three months of my pregnancy on the ol’ dial up finding just the right understated bag. Priorities: I had them.

After extensive research on birth options that consisted of searching phrases online like “Does childbirth hurt?” and viewing 298 hours’ worth of episodes of The Baby Story, I decided I was indeed ready to give birth at home in a birthing pool. I was certain it would go smoothly, just like on TV. I would go into labor and 44 minutes later, tada!, give birth and then my midwife would hand me my new baby.

Except TV and the Internet LIED.

No one told me that I would be in labor for an entire day and push for almost six hours and that I would have to ride to the hospital in the back of a Volvo station wagon because my almost ten pound daughter would not come out. After an episiotomy and a forceps delivery that traumatized my female parts for life, I had a baby.


We left the hospital that evening. I packed up my non-descript can’t-tell-it’s-a-diaper-bag bag and held my daughter that hadn’t even really cried and I thought, “I can totally do this”. We got home and I decided to put her in the bassinet so I could shower and she screamed as soon as I turned on the water. And come to find out, she screamed a lot. She screamed when the fan was on too loud. She screamed when someone knocked on the door. She screamed when the dog barked.

I was convinced that my baby probably was gifted with some sort of supersonic hearing and that I was pretty much doing everything wrong. No one said anything about this on the Internet.


A few weeks into the screaming, my mother noticed that Zoe looked like she was losing weight. A quick visit to the pediatrician’s office confirmed that she was down over a pound and not getting enough to eat. I was told that I needed to go see a Lactation Consultant and that she was expecting me. I figured she would give some forms and a few brochures and I would be on my way. I mean, this is breastfeeding, it isn’t hard. Women have been doing it for centuries and all you need is a set of boobs and a baby and I had that so I figured I was pretty much set up for success.

When we arrived at her office, she informed me that it was $50 an hour and I need to strip everything off from the waist up. After three hours of her watching Zoe nurse and instructions and no brochures, I left covered in sweat and tears (my own) with a kink in my neck, a pissed off baby, and a hospital grade pump. My supply was pretty much diminished because Captain Scream was born with a super high palate and she couldn’t latch on my breast at all and she wasn’t getting any nutrition. Zoe and I cried in the car all the way across town, she cried because she was hungry and I cried because I was a breastfeeding failure. I decided that I wasn’t going to quit because dammit, I knew I could do it. I was going to nurse my baby.

I had to pump every hour on the hour to build my supply up for seven days straight. My mother stayed with us and she set an alarm and would come in a wake me up when it was time. I remember sitting in my living room with my boobs out and hooked up to that dual pump and wondering if I was going to die from being so tired. My mother would collect the liquid gold, write down how many ounces, and feed Zoe.

The week went by and I was able to pump less and less and Zoe gained her weight back. I would set everything up, pillows for her and water for me and we just kept trying. I learned how to hold my breast like a hamburger (<—-OMG, I apologize) and mash it into a shape so Zoe could latch on properly. I was nursing her one afternoon while talking on the phone and walking around my house that was so full of crap that it looked like a baby superstore had exploded and I realized that breastfeeding was totally hard and then all of a sudden, it wasn’t.

Zoe-2 mos

My story is Chapter 5 in the MAM Blogger Real Parenting Guide, how cool is that? Check out the other chapters and find out more about all the baby stuff that you think you don’t need but after the baby comes you end up buying all of the things to make the job of parenting easier.

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