Styles Vary, Packing Flavors Like Life Savers

posted by on 04/18/2013 | 1,812 comments (leave one of your own)

I am trying really hard not be fat(ter), so I don’t keep dessert in the house. And by saying I’m trying not to be fat, I mean I want to wear one pair of Spanx to the Listen To Your Mother show and not two.

I can’t quit watching the news and reading the news and it is just all too much. I’ve been waking up at 2:30 in the a.m. for no reason and I cannot go back to sleep. I’m sure it’s because I’ve overloaded my brain with all the information of current events and possibly too much Anderson Cooper.

I went downstairs at 2:30 in the morning and decided that chocolate might make me feel better. And since I’m being straight with you guys, I was going to eat chocolate with a big huge spoonful of peanut butter because I’m pretty sure that’s the quickest way to lose weight said nobody.

I’m stumbling around in the dark and I find the peanut butter in the pantry and grab a spoon.  I locate the bag of hidden chocolate drops from the top of the fridge because I know we are out of ghiradelli chocoloate chips (my first choice). My mother gave the drops to the kids for Easter, but they forgot about them. I put all the excess holiday candy on the top of the fridge so I can throw it out, but let’s be honest, by “throw it out” I mean eat the ever loving shit out of it.

I scoop up a huge spoonful of peanut butter, take a couple of drops out of the bag, and toss the bag back on top of the fridge. As I shove everything in my mouth at once, I debate on whether to watch the news or play Candy Crush. Both of the options will leave me irate, so I decide to go back to bed.

On the way out of the kitchen, I notice that the inside of my mouth is kind of gritty and while I enjoyed my middle of the night fatass snack, it didn’t really taste like chocolate. I go back to the kitchen, turn on the light, and decide to check the bag. Maybe Hershey’s has a new kind of chocolate drop, like with essence of bouillon.

It is only when I reach up on top of the fridge that I realize I have just eaten dog treats. With peanut butter.

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