Archive for April, 2013

Styles Vary, Packing Flavors Like Life Savers

posted by on 04/18/2013

I am trying really hard not be fat(ter), so I don’t keep dessert in the house. And by saying I’m trying not to be fat, I mean I want to wear one pair of Spanx to the Listen To Your Mother show and not two.

I can’t quit watching the news and reading the news and it is just all too much. I’ve been waking up at 2:30 in the a.m. for no reason and I cannot go back to sleep. I’m sure it’s because I’ve overloaded my brain with all the information of current events and possibly too much Anderson Cooper.

I went downstairs at 2:30 in the morning and decided that chocolate might make me feel better. And since I’m being straight with you guys, I was going to eat chocolate with a big huge spoonful of peanut butter because I’m pretty sure that’s the quickest way to lose weight said nobody.

I’m stumbling around in the dark and I find the peanut butter in the pantry and grab a spoon.  I locate the bag of hidden chocolate drops from the top of the fridge because I know we are out of ghiradelli chocoloate chips (my first choice). My mother gave the drops to the kids for Easter, but they forgot about them. I put all the excess holiday candy on the top of the fridge so I can throw it out, but let’s be honest, by “throw it out” I mean eat the ever loving shit out of it.

I scoop up a huge spoonful of peanut butter, take a couple of drops out of the bag, and toss the bag back on top of the fridge. As I shove everything in my mouth at once, I debate on whether to watch the news or play Candy Crush. Both of the options will leave me irate, so I decide to go back to bed.

On the way out of the kitchen, I notice that the inside of my mouth is kind of gritty and while I enjoyed my middle of the night fatass snack, it didn’t really taste like chocolate. I go back to the kitchen, turn on the light, and decide to check the bag. Maybe Hershey’s has a new kind of chocolate drop, like with essence of bouillon.

It is only when I reach up on top of the fridge that I realize I have just eaten dog treats. With peanut butter.

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Peace Out Palm Fronds, Hello Polka Dots

posted by on 04/11/2013

Remember when I bought kitchen chairs off of Craigs and they were covered in palm fronds?

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I really wanted to recover them in laminated cotton except everything I liked was expensive (to me) and/or super fug and I couldn’t justify spending more on three yards of fabric than I spent on the table and chairs.

So I went with indoor/outdoor fabric that was $7 a yard in a nice polka dot.  I went with indoor/outdoor because it is mildew, stain and water resistant fade resistant. And who doesn’t love polka dots?

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I ordered three yards online at Fabric.com and I really only needed two (measuring fail), but I had a coupon and they delivered it right to my front door. When I was little, I remember spending all Saturday afternoon in the fabric store while my mother shopped for patterns and material and zippers and buttons and KILL ME.  I’m pretty sure I wasted half of my youth at Hancock’s Fabric. Online is the only way to go.

And aren’t the tulips lovely? I’m trying to keep flowers on the table for no other reason that they make me happy. Troy picked this bunch out for me at the store and said, “I want to buy you flowers, but I hope you know I don’t have money”.

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The seat of the chair was screwed down on the underneath with eight screws. I unscrewed them and then I just cut out my fabric around the seat and stapled it over the existing palm fronds. If you need specific info on how to do this, just Google it. And wrap the corners like you are wrapping a present. That’s really the only advice I have. After you recover, put the chairs back together, this probably took an hour because I am not a professional reupholster, see the underneath of the chairs.

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It works for me because I think the top turned out pretty decent. And if you come over and look at the bottom of my chairs, I will silently judge you because that’s weird.

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I know some people say that indoor/outdoor fabric can pill, but at $7 a yard I am willing to take that chance. We have spilled red wine (me), chocolate milk (Troy), and dropped a sauce covered meatball (Zoe) on the SAME chair and it cleaned up like a dream.

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Not sure why we are so disgusting, but at least our chairs are cute.

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