DIY Is Full Of Danger: A Cautionary Tale

posted by on 12/14/2012 | 440 comments (leave one of your own)

I am extremely honored to have read this post at the BlogHer ’13 Voices Of The Year keynote in the Humor category, pretty much securing the fact that I will forever be known as that chick that gave herself poison ivy all over her entire face. You can watch the video here.

VOTY13

I’ve always wanted a decorative wreath for our front porch, but I never found anything that said “BUY ME”. This past December when we pulled out the Christmas decorations from the garage, I noticed that we had a few of those fake, plain green wreaths and I decided to make a jazz it up.  If there is one thing we have an abundance of in Colorado, it’s pinecones.

The kids and I went outside and gathered pinecones from the woods around our house, we were crafting off the land. It was pretty much just like Little House On The Prairie except no one was blind.

I had no plan, no directions, just a glue gun and sheer determination to make my vision come to life.  I started gluing the pinecones on the inside edge of the wreath working my way around.  I ran out of pinecones quickly, I kept going back out and I filled a box up three times. I glued, glued, and glued some more.  It was like a gigantic pinecone puzzle, you know, if puzzles were sharp, pointy, and gave you splinters and burns all over your fingertips.

It turned out lovely and totally free. All the supplies that I used I had lying around the house and in the woods and free makes my wreath a gigantic win.

Pinecone Wreath

But as we know, all magic comes with a price.

The next day, the back my right hand developed a weird rash.

A few days later, the rash had spread to my face, ears, and neck. I figured it was a reaction to something I had eaten.

I called my doctor’s office and they told me to swing by.

My doctor mentioned the rash did not look like it was brought on by food or drink and proceeded to ask all sorts of questions. He was certain it was some sort of reaction to shampoo, detergent, lotion, or perfume.

I’ve used the same shampoo since high school, I make my own detergent, I don’t use lotion, and I’ve worn the same perfume for at least five years.

NEXT.

He then brought in his doctor co-worker friend and this guy was all, “Well, I don’t think it is shingles and probably not scarlet fever. If it was lupus, the rash would be located on your joints.”  HUH.

They told me to go home and take some allergy medication for my hives and to call them if anything changed.  I was concerned for the well being of my face, but I felt confident enough to put my hives on blast via Instagram because everyone finds hives amusing when they aren’t happening to you.

This is the face of poison ivy.

I should have titled the photo “Bitch, you don’t even know”, as this was just the beginning.  Later that evening, my entire head was bright effing red and on fire. I stayed up all night with a cold washcloth on my face, consulting Dr. Google, convinced that I was suffering from a rare medical condition and about to receive the cutting edge diagnosis of being allergic to my husband.

After a full night of being miserable and not sleeping, I was inspecting my red, patchy, burning swollen face in the mirror and noticed there were tiny blisters forming on the rim of my lower eyelid.

I called my doctor’s office AGAIN freaking out because Hi, no sleep and because Mary went blind on Little House and they were all, “Please come to the office immediately, we are concerned for your vision”.

NO KIDDING, ME TOO.

Twenty minutes later, I am back in the exact same exam room from the day before.  My doctor informs me my skin is blistering and it looks like my lymph nodes are swelling. He inquired if I could have possibly somehow been exposed to poison ivy.

Oh, you mean like maybe when I went into the woods and picked up 200 pinecones by hand?

Pinecone Wreath

And then painstakingly glued those 200 super speshul FREE pinecones to a tacky wreath with nothing but my glue gun and a dream?

Pinecone Wreath

He informed me that even if the poison ivy dickface of a plant is dead it could still infect you for up to a YEAR with its super demon plant powers.

So, I picked up pinecones lying in field of dead, poisoned plants, came inside, glued said infected pinecones of death to a wreath, touched my iPhone a whole bunch of times while making the wreath, and then used the said contaminated phone like a boss while working the next day and gave my entire head the worst case of poison ivy my doctor has ever seen in the history of his practice.

I was prescribed steroids to prevent my eyes from swelling shut, my face looked like it was sunburned to a itchy, infuriating crisp that I absolutely could not scratch, and I had blisters all over my entire head, even in the creases of my ears.

While the best things in life are indeed free, apparently they can also rage and disease your entire face with their poison oils. My free wreath cost me two doctor office visits, $16 in drugstore relief, a co-pay for my prescription, and my dignity.

I straight jacked myself up all in the name of crafting.

DSC_1239

After my family offered their love and support in the form of laughter, my sister pretty much summed up this entire experience up with one sentence:

No truer words have ever been spoken.

    Comments
  • Auto Care and Service


    Generally I do not read post on blogs, however I wish to say that this write-up very compelled me to try and do so! Your writing style has been surprised me. Thank you, quite great post.

  • Auto Care and Service


    Some truly superb information, Gladiolus I found this. “Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.” by Gail.

  • Teacher Sites


    Awsome article and straight to the point. I am not sure if this is really the best place to ask but do you folks have any thoughts on where to get some professional writers? Thx 🙂

  • Auto Care and Service


    Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and wished to say that I have really enjoyed browsing your blog posts. In any case I will be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again soon!

  • dzianina dresowa hurtownia


    It’s the best time to make some plans for the future and it’s time to be happy. I have read this post and if I could I want to suggest you some interesting things or suggestions. Maybe you could write next articles referring to this article. I desire to read even more things about it!

  • Auto Care and Service


    magnificent points altogether, you just received a emblem new reader. What would you recommend in regards to your put up that you simply made a few days ago? Any positive?

  • lacoste online shop


    It抯 arduous to find educated people on this subject, but you sound like you already know what you抮e talking about! Thanks

  • Auto Care and Service


    I like this web blog very much, Its a very nice situation to read and incur info . “Anyone can stop a man’s life, but no one his death a thousand doors open on to it. – Phoenissae” by Lucius Annaeus Seneca.

  • Auto Care and Service


    I have been surfing online more than 3 hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours. It is pretty worth enough for me. In my opinion, if all web owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the net will be a lot more useful than ever before.

  • Auto Care and Service


    You are my breathing in, I own few blogs and very sporadically run out from brand :). “Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.” by E. B. White.

  • computer paper holder


    I think this is one of the most significant info for me.

    And i am glad reading your article. But want to remark on few general things, The website style is
    wonderful, the articles is really excellent :
    D. Good job, cheers

  • Bathroom Renovations


    We are a group of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community. Your website offered us with valuable information to work on. You have done an impressive job and our whole community will be thankful to you.

  • Auto Care and Service


    Thanks , I have recently been looking for information approximately this topic for a while and yours is the best I have came upon till now. But, what in regards to the conclusion? Are you positive concerning the source?

  • Auto Care and Service


    I wish to express my appreciation to the writer just for rescuing me from this scenario. After surfing around throughout the the net and finding solutions that were not pleasant, I figured my entire life was over. Living without the solutions to the issues you have resolved by way of the blog post is a critical case, and the ones that might have in a wrong way damaged my career if I had not come across the blog. That know-how and kindness in maneuvering all the pieces was important. I don’t know what I would have done if I had not come across such a step like this. I can also now look ahead to my future. Thanks a lot very much for this skilled and amazing guide. I will not think twice to suggest your web sites to any person who needs direction on this problem.

  • Auto Care and Service


    But wanna remark that you have a very nice web site , I like the pattern it actually stands out.

  • Auto Care and Service


    Hello There. I found your blog using msn. This is an extremely well written article. I’ll make sure to bookmark it and return to read more of your useful information. Thanks for the post. I will certainly comeback.

  • metroclick!


    Faytech North America is a touch screen Manufacturer of both monitors and pcs. They specialize in the design, development, manufacturing and marketing of Capacitive touch screen, Resistive touch screen, Industrial touch screen, IP65 touch screen, touchscreen monitors and integrated touchscreen PCs. Contact them at http://www.faytech.us, 121 Varick Street,3rd Floor,New York, NY 10013,+1 646 205 3214

  • car exhaust


    Oh my goodness! Awesome article dude! Thank you so much, However I am encountering problems with your RSS.
    I don’t know why I cannot subscribe to it. Is
    there anybody else getting similar RSS issues?
    Anybody who knows the answer will you kindly respond?
    Thanks!!

  • Auto Care and Service


    I must show my thanks to the writer for bailing me out of such a circumstance. Right after scouting through the world wide web and getting thoughts which are not pleasant, I was thinking my entire life was well over. Living without the solutions to the issues you’ve solved by way of your main report is a serious case, and the kind which might have negatively damaged my career if I hadn’t come across your web site. Your own natural talent and kindness in playing with the whole thing was important. I’m not sure what I would have done if I had not come across such a solution like this. It’s possible to at this moment relish my future. Thanks for your time very much for this impressive and result oriented help. I will not hesitate to recommend the sites to anyone who ought to have support about this topic.

  • Auto Care and Service


    Thanks a bunch for sharing this with all of us you really recognise what you’re talking approximately! Bookmarked. Please additionally talk over with my site =). We may have a link change arrangement between us!

  • Auto Care and Service


    I’ve recently started a blog, the info you provide on this web site has helped me greatly. Thank you for all of your time & work. “If you see a snake, just kill it. Don’t appoint a committee on snakes.” by H. Ross Perot.

  • Auto Care and Service


    Fantastic beat ! I wish to apprentice while you amend your site, how could i subscribe for a blog website? The account aided me a acceptable deal. I had been tiny bit acquainted of this your broadcast offered bright clear idea

  • security products


    Hey I know this is off topic but I was wondering if you knew of any widgets
    I could add to my blog that automatically tweet my newest twitter
    updates. I’ve been looking for a plug-in like this for quite some time and was
    hoping maybe you would have some experience with something like this.
    Please let me know if you run into anything. I truly enjoy reading your blog and I look forward to your
    new updates.

  • Auto Care and Service


    I’ve been browsing on-line greater than 3 hours lately, but I never discovered any interesting article like yours. It is lovely price sufficient for me. In my opinion, if all webmasters and bloggers made just right content as you did, the web will probably be much more helpful than ever before.

  • Auto Care and Service


    I have been absent for a while, but now I remember why I used to love this site. Thanks , I¡¦ll try and check back more frequently. How frequently you update your web site?

  • http://www.metroclick.com;


    MetroClick specializes in building completely interactive products like Photo Booth for rental or sale, Touch Screen Kiosks and Digital Signage, and experiences. With our own hardware production facility and in-house software development teams, we are able to achieve the highest level of customization and versatility for Photo Booths, Touch Screen Kiosks and Digital Signage. MetroClick, 121 Varick St, #301, New York, NY 10013, +1 646-843-0888

  • +MetrocliCk


    MetroClick specializes in building completely interactive products like Photo Booth for rental or sale, Touch Screen Kiosks and Digital Signage, and experiences. With our own hardware production facility and in-house software development teams, we are able to achieve the highest level of customization and versatility for Photo Booths, Touch Screen Kiosks and Digital Signage. MetroClick, 121 Varick St, #301, New York, NY 10013, +1 646-843-0888

  • Auto Care and Service


    I¡¦ve read a few good stuff here. Definitely price bookmarking for revisiting. I wonder how much attempt you set to create one of these great informative site.

  • Auto Care and Service


    Hello, Neat post. There is a problem along with your website in web explorer, may test this¡K IE still is the market chief and a big portion of folks will miss your excellent writing because of this problem.

  • tkaniny na markizy tarasowe


    Simply desire to say your article is as surprising. The clearness in your post is simply cool and i could assume you are an expert on this subject. Fine with your permission allow me to grab your feed to keep updated with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please keep up the rewarding work.

  • Auto Care and Service


    I gotta bookmark this internet site it seems handy very useful

  • yeezy boost


    I just wanted to jot down a small message to be able to thank you for some of the magnificent strategies you are giving at this website. My rather long internet search has now been recognized with reasonable concept to exchange with my companions. I would assume that many of us readers are quite fortunate to exist in a notable site with very many wonderful individuals with helpful strategies. I feel rather lucky to have seen your web site and look forward to some more cool times reading here. Thanks a lot once more for a lot of things.

  • Heart Healthy Diet


    Great post. I was checking continuously this blog and I am impressed! Extremely useful information specifically the last part 🙂 I care for such info much. I was looking for this certain information for a very long time. Thank you and best of luck.

  • key programmer


    My partner and I absolutely love your blog and
    find nearly all of your post’s to be just what I’m looking for.
    Do you offer guest writers to write content in your case?
    I wouldn’t mind writing a post or elaborating on some of the subjects you write
    regarding here. Again, awesome weblog!

  • moro


    Hello there! This is my 1st comment here so I just wanted to give a quick shout out and say I truly enjoy reading your posts. Can you recommend any other blogs/websites/forums that go over the same subjects? Thank you!

  • Auto Care and Service


    My husband and i have been really more than happy that Chris managed to do his inquiry from your ideas he discovered out of the web pages. It’s not at all simplistic to just choose to be freely giving instructions that many people could have been making money from. And we fully understand we now have you to give thanks to because of that. Those illustrations you’ve made, the straightforward website navigation, the friendships you give support to create – it’s got most wonderful, and it is leading our son in addition to the family consider that this subject matter is satisfying, which is really indispensable. Thanks for everything!

  • Auto Care and Service


    Wow, amazing blog layout! How long have you been blogging for? you made blogging look easy. The overall look of your site is magnificent, let alone the content!

  • Auto Care and Service


    Hi, Neat post. There is a problem together with your web site in web explorer, might check this… IE still is the marketplace chief and a huge element of people will miss your excellent writing due to this problem.

  • Auto Care and Service


    I’ve learn a few good stuff here. Definitely value bookmarking for revisiting. I wonder how so much effort you put to create this type of wonderful informative website.

  • Auto Care and Service


    Excellent weblog here! Also your website a lot up very fast! What host are you using? Can I am getting your associate link on your host? I wish my website loaded up as fast as yours lol

  • key programmer supports


    I’m impressed, I have to admit. Rarely do I come across a blog that’s equally educative and engaging, and without a
    doubt, you’ve hit the nail on the head. The issue is something that not enough men and women are speaking intelligently about.
    Now i’m very happy that I found this in my hunt for something regarding this.

  • Auto Care and Service


    This is very interesting, You’re a very skilled blogger. I’ve joined your rss feed and look forward to seeking more of your wonderful post. Also, I’ve shared your web site in my social networks!

  • Auto Care and Service


    My wife and i got quite joyous Peter managed to deal with his studies using the precious recommendations he had from your web page. It’s not at all simplistic to just happen to be releasing things people have been selling. And now we figure out we have the writer to appreciate for that. These illustrations you made, the easy site menu, the relationships your site make it possible to instill – it is all wonderful, and it’s really helping our son and the family do think the issue is entertaining, and that is especially fundamental. Thank you for all the pieces!

  • Auto Care and Service


    As a Newbie, I am always exploring online for articles that can benefit me. Thank you

  • Auto Care and Service


    Perfectly pent subject material , appreciate it for entropy.

  • http://www.metroclick.coM"


    Faytech North America is a touch screen Manufacturer of both monitors and pcs. They specialize in the design, development, manufacturing and marketing of Capacitive touch screen, Resistive touch screen, Industrial touch screen, IP65 touch screen, touchscreen monitors and integrated touchscreen PCs. Contact them at http://www.faytech.us, 121 Varick Street,3rd Floor,New York, NY 10013,+1 646 205 3214

  • Board Of Education


    Useful information. Lucky me I found your web site unintentionally, and I’m surprised why this twist of fate didn’t happened earlier! I bookmarked it.

  • Auto Care and Service


    Great web site. A lot of useful information here. I’m sending it to a few friends ans also sharing in delicious. And certainly, thanks for your effort!

  • Auto Care and Service


    Heya i’m for the first time here. I came across this board and I find It truly useful & it helped me out much. I hope to give something back and aid others like you helped me.

  • Trackbacks

  • Trackback from magic massager
    Friday, 18 August, 2017

    magic massager

    […]The data mentioned within the post are a number of the ideal readily available […]

leave a comment
Your email is never shared.
Required fields are marked *