DIY Is Full Of Danger: A Cautionary Tale

posted by on 12/14/2012 | 12,800 comments (leave one of your own)

I am extremely honored to have read this post at the BlogHer ’13 Voices Of The Year keynote in the Humor category, pretty much securing the fact that I will forever be known as that chick that gave herself poison ivy all over her entire face. You can watch the video here.

VOTY13

I’ve always wanted a decorative wreath for our front porch, but I never found anything that said “BUY ME”. This past December when we pulled out the Christmas decorations from the garage, I noticed that we had a few of those fake, plain green wreaths and I decided to make a jazz it up.  If there is one thing we have an abundance of in Colorado, it’s pinecones.

The kids and I went outside and gathered pinecones from the woods around our house, we were crafting off the land. It was pretty much just like Little House On The Prairie except no one was blind.

I had no plan, no directions, just a glue gun and sheer determination to make my vision come to life.  I started gluing the pinecones on the inside edge of the wreath working my way around.  I ran out of pinecones quickly, I kept going back out and I filled a box up three times. I glued, glued, and glued some more.  It was like a gigantic pinecone puzzle, you know, if puzzles were sharp, pointy, and gave you splinters and burns all over your fingertips.

It turned out lovely and totally free. All the supplies that I used I had lying around the house and in the woods and free makes my wreath a gigantic win.

Pinecone Wreath

But as we know, all magic comes with a price.

The next day, the back my right hand developed a weird rash.

A few days later, the rash had spread to my face, ears, and neck. I figured it was a reaction to something I had eaten.

I called my doctor’s office and they told me to swing by.

My doctor mentioned the rash did not look like it was brought on by food or drink and proceeded to ask all sorts of questions. He was certain it was some sort of reaction to shampoo, detergent, lotion, or perfume.

I’ve used the same shampoo since high school, I make my own detergent, I don’t use lotion, and I’ve worn the same perfume for at least five years.

NEXT.

He then brought in his doctor co-worker friend and this guy was all, “Well, I don’t think it is shingles and probably not scarlet fever. If it was lupus, the rash would be located on your joints.”  HUH.

They told me to go home and take some allergy medication for my hives and to call them if anything changed.  I was concerned for the well being of my face, but I felt confident enough to put my hives on blast via Instagram because everyone finds hives amusing when they aren’t happening to you.

This is the face of poison ivy.

I should have titled the photo “Bitch, you don’t even know”, as this was just the beginning.  Later that evening, my entire head was bright effing red and on fire. I stayed up all night with a cold washcloth on my face, consulting Dr. Google, convinced that I was suffering from a rare medical condition and about to receive the cutting edge diagnosis of being allergic to my husband.

After a full night of being miserable and not sleeping, I was inspecting my red, patchy, burning swollen face in the mirror and noticed there were tiny blisters forming on the rim of my lower eyelid.

I called my doctor’s office AGAIN freaking out because Hi, no sleep and because Mary went blind on Little House and they were all, “Please come to the office immediately, we are concerned for your vision”.

NO KIDDING, ME TOO.

Twenty minutes later, I am back in the exact same exam room from the day before.  My doctor informs me my skin is blistering and it looks like my lymph nodes are swelling. He inquired if I could have possibly somehow been exposed to poison ivy.

Oh, you mean like maybe when I went into the woods and picked up 200 pinecones by hand?

Pinecone Wreath

And then painstakingly glued those 200 super speshul FREE pinecones to a tacky wreath with nothing but my glue gun and a dream?

Pinecone Wreath

He informed me that even if the poison ivy dickface of a plant is dead it could still infect you for up to a YEAR with its super demon plant powers.

So, I picked up pinecones lying in field of dead, poisoned plants, came inside, glued said infected pinecones of death to a wreath, touched my iPhone a whole bunch of times while making the wreath, and then used the said contaminated phone like a boss while working the next day and gave my entire head the worst case of poison ivy my doctor has ever seen in the history of his practice.

I was prescribed steroids to prevent my eyes from swelling shut, my face looked like it was sunburned to a itchy, infuriating crisp that I absolutely could not scratch, and I had blisters all over my entire head, even in the creases of my ears.

While the best things in life are indeed free, apparently they can also rage and disease your entire face with their poison oils. My free wreath cost me two doctor office visits, $16 in drugstore relief, a co-pay for my prescription, and my dignity.

I straight jacked myself up all in the name of crafting.

DSC_1239

After my family offered their love and support in the form of laughter, my sister pretty much summed up this entire experience up with one sentence:

No truer words have ever been spoken.

    Comments
  • Golden tee arcade


    one of our visitors lately advised the following website

  • Friction stir welding experts


    Simply want to say your article is as surprising. The clarity for your publish is simply great and that i can assume you are knowledgeable in this subject. Fine with your permission allow me to grasp your feed to stay updated with imminent post. Thank you one million and please continue the enjoyable work.

  • Friction Stir Welding Automated systems


    I do not know if it’s just me or if everybody else encountering issues with your website. It seems like some of the written text in your posts are running off the screen. Can someone else please comment and let me know if this is happening to them too? This may be a issue with my browser because I’ve had this happen previously. Kudos

  • JaneHat


    modafinil online uk paypal

  • Opikemicrer


    do your homework edit my essay essay writer generator

  • tadalafil online


    40 mg tadalafil https://elitadalafill.com/ tadalafil

  • buy 5mg cialis


    How protracted do Cialis 20 Mg last. However, you have been noted the administer of one 20mg tablet as your doctor has undisputed that the recommended quantity of 10mg is too weak. You may away with a cialis price comparison plaquette at least 30 minutes ahead procreant activity. CIALIS may still be powerful up to 36 hours after taking the tablet. Do not remove cialis coupons more than once a day.

  • StimiDreree


    homework help https://essaywritingeie.com/ – paper writing services argumentative essays essay generator

  • Peg Allendorf


    Continually keep in mind, however, in regards to Technology, that there isn’t one proper path or strategy. Do not think you should continue trying a certain means of doing things whenever you are not getting the results you would like. There is in fact no one or else that can determine your finest training course than you. Anytime you run into a fresh concern, your assumption system, presumptions, along with regimens ought to be assessed. That is absolutely the key reason that it can be beneficial to take a look over a selection of sources whenever looking for support. Here have a tendency to be a set of Internet sites you will almost certainly find practical while you perform your investigation. They may be Our Technology Site and Our Technology Site. You will find it much easier to discover solutions that take place to be appropriate for you if you take right into point to consider the countless points of view of a few other.

  • 안전놀이터목록


    Going through your brilliant blog is great as when it had been written simply by a writer. I’m going visit your blog typically. Thanks a lot always.

  • LisaHat


    strattera discount

  • free sex gif


    Im thankful for the article post.Really thank you! Much obliged.

  • Opikemicrer


    write a paper for me write my essay for me auto essay typer auto essay writer

  • StimiDreree


    buy sildenafil viagra pills viagra pill viagra pill

  • Dana Lannier


    If you’re keen on making Technology something that is worthwhile for you, the tactics we’ve presented will absolutely assist. It generally is preferable to see fast outcomes, however to do so, you require to have perseverance if they don’t appear right now. Anytime you need added help, you’ll wish to head over to Our Technology Site – book marking this link so you have it for future recommendation.

  • mobile homes for rent


    The information and facts talked about in the write-up are several of the top offered

  • Howardunrex


    local dating sites for free
    local personals

  • Howardunrex


    dating website
    personals free

  • galileo fx automated software


    Heya i’m for the primary time here. I found this board and I in finding It truly helpful & it helped me out a lot. I’m hoping to present something again and aid others like you helped me.|

  • Howardunrex


    local women dates
    local milfs

  • Howardunrex


    chat websites to meet people
    free chat online singles

  • Ignortgreata


    do my homework writing help essaybot

  • Virginia movers


    You can certainly see your skills in the work you write. The world hopes for even more passionate writers like you who are not afraid to mention how they believe. Always go after your heart.

  • steel wire


    we prefer to honor quite a few other web web sites around the net, even though they arent linked to us, by linking to them. Below are some webpages really worth checking out

  • click here


    Hmm it seems like your site ate my first comment (it was super long) so I guess I’ll just sum it up what I wrote and say, I’m thoroughly enjoying your blog. I too am an aspiring blog blogger but I’m still new to the whole thing. Do you have any helpful hints for inexperienced blog writers? I’d definitely appreciate it.

  • office furniture installation


    I’m so happy to read this. This is the type of manual that needs to be given and not the accidental misinformation that is at the other blogs. Appreciate your sharing this greatest doc.

  • orlando adult classifieds


    At this time I am going away to do my breakfast, later than having my breakfast coming over again to read other news.|

  • Opikemicrer


    my essay writer https://essaywritermsm.com/ – essay maker essay paper writing buy an essay

  • StimiDreree


    essay typer https://essayhelperkdu.com/ – writing paper help paper help research paper

  • gas station pill


    Good web site you have here.. It’s hard to find high quality writing like yours nowadays. I really appreciate people like you! Take care!!|

  • KimHat


    allopurinol medication

  • betflik


    What’s Happening i am new to this, I stumbled upon this I’ve found It absolutely useful and it has helped me out loads. I hope to contribute & aid other users like its aided me. Great job.

  • Anthony Scott Dietrich


    I seriously love your site.. Great colors & theme. Did you make this site yourself? Please reply back as I’m looking to create my own personal blog and want to know where you got this from or just what the theme is named. Thank you!|

  • 사설토토


    You’re therefore amazing. Oh my Our god. Lord bless you.

  • travelers notebook


    Good response in turn of this query with genuine arguments and explaining all about that.

    Feel free to visit my homepage travelers notebook

  • JaneHat


    sildenafil tablets where to buy

  • Tony Dietrich


    Very good post. I’m dealing with a few of these issues as well..

  • divorce lawyer singapore


    You made some really good points there. I looked on the web for more information about the issue and found most people will go along with your views on this web site.|

  • Hyman Fukumoto


    Yeah bookmaking this wasn’t a risky determination outstanding post! .

  • jordan shoes


    My wife and i felt now contented Ervin managed to finish up his inquiry while using the ideas he gained when using the site. It is now and again perplexing to simply find yourself giving away points which a number of people could have been selling. We really already know we have got the writer to be grateful to because of that. The specific explanations you’ve made, the simple blog menu, the relationships your site make it easier to create – it’s all extraordinary, and it’s really facilitating our son and us know that the topic is interesting, which is particularly mandatory. Many thanks for the whole lot!

  • golden goose outlet


    I and my guys happened to be digesting the best advice found on your website and immediately got a terrible suspicion I never expressed respect to the web blog owner for those strategies. These young men were for that reason joyful to study all of them and have in effect really been tapping into these things. Many thanks for turning out to be really kind as well as for picking out variety of awesome ideas most people are really needing to learn about. Our own sincere regret for not saying thanks to sooner.

  • canada goose outlet


    I simply wanted to say thanks once more. I’m not certain what I would’ve created without the creative concepts shown by you concerning that concern. It previously was a traumatic issue in my view, however , observing the very specialized technique you treated it took me to weep with joy. Extremely grateful for your advice and trust you really know what a great job you have been doing training most people through a web site. I am certain you haven’t got to know any of us.

  • JaneHat


    150 mg viagra online

  • Bernardine Nizo


    Everything said was actually very logical. But, what about this? suppose you were to create a awesome title? I am not saying your content is not good., but what if you added something to maybe grab folk’s attention? I mean BLOG_TITLE is kinda vanilla. You could peek at Yahoo’s front page and note how they create news titles to grab viewers interested. You might try adding a video or a related pic or two to get readers interested about everything’ve written. Just my opinion, it might make your website a little livelier.|

  • liquid herbal incense for sale


    here are some links to sites that we link to since we assume they are really worth visiting

  • Anibal Mcdavis


    http://honeymoon-yacht-cruise.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=premiumporntrailers.com/girlfriendsfilms/

  • wrksheet.com


    If some one needs to be updated with hottest technologies afterward he must be visit this web site and be up to date daily.|

  • virtual card buy


    one of our guests just lately recommended the following website

  • Harmanmmv


    online dating site Tips with regard to

    I sense a loss in the field of having female friends. I come across my friends go on beginning and ending dates, appointment children in handlebars, as i are placed within the nook taking a look my alcohol beverage and / or sensations bad.

    i’m not much of bad on the lookout, i am just maintaining an affable, still,but unfortunately as a result tend to be shyness, I meet Russian women find it hard to means someone and moreover speak retail. So it’s my job to inevitably be waiting for a person to move towards me that’s months!

    once you learn the resolution these basic questions, it’s easy to see the average person day’s ovulation on your own and it doesn’t involve an internet record of fertility.

    The paper of love and fertility requires that the day of ovulation regarding the fourteenth day before the start of next menstrual period. for this reason anything at all must be performed to look for the exact particular date independent, should certainly brands with regard to appointments day’s the prior circuit originated. Next, evaluate if the following period due to, based on a typical day of your minutes. calculate to return a fortnight with that day, and find the expected day’s ovulation.

    one more valuable time I left for a consultation have been more than a year. completely interesting, even so i reckon we’ve got pre-occupied with calendar month without stumbled on attached to date then simply. i’m sure you need to be returning into the dating world. in addition, who would like to be cornered back at home basically?

    my partner and i friends and neighbors (In sort of men so, it goes without saying). all amazing ladies online dating, and therefore almost each of those males presented to me about the impaired the present day or alternatively two. just do not certainly work. i’d guess that my name is at the same time investigative. could be i appreciate a tad too stressing. understandably even a hint associated with passion compulsion.

  • dentix


    Having read this I believed it was extremely enlightening. I appreciate you finding the time and effort to put this informative article together. I once again find myself spending way too much time both reading and leaving comments. But so what, it was still worthwhile!|

    leave a comment
    Your email is never shared.
    Required fields are marked *