DIY Is Full Of Danger: A Cautionary Tale

posted by on 12/14/2012 | 440 comments (leave one of your own)

I am extremely honored to have read this post at the BlogHer ’13 Voices Of The Year keynote in the Humor category, pretty much securing the fact that I will forever be known as that chick that gave herself poison ivy all over her entire face. You can watch the video here.

VOTY13

I’ve always wanted a decorative wreath for our front porch, but I never found anything that said “BUY ME”. This past December when we pulled out the Christmas decorations from the garage, I noticed that we had a few of those fake, plain green wreaths and I decided to make a jazz it up.  If there is one thing we have an abundance of in Colorado, it’s pinecones.

The kids and I went outside and gathered pinecones from the woods around our house, we were crafting off the land. It was pretty much just like Little House On The Prairie except no one was blind.

I had no plan, no directions, just a glue gun and sheer determination to make my vision come to life.  I started gluing the pinecones on the inside edge of the wreath working my way around.  I ran out of pinecones quickly, I kept going back out and I filled a box up three times. I glued, glued, and glued some more.  It was like a gigantic pinecone puzzle, you know, if puzzles were sharp, pointy, and gave you splinters and burns all over your fingertips.

It turned out lovely and totally free. All the supplies that I used I had lying around the house and in the woods and free makes my wreath a gigantic win.

Pinecone Wreath

But as we know, all magic comes with a price.

The next day, the back my right hand developed a weird rash.

A few days later, the rash had spread to my face, ears, and neck. I figured it was a reaction to something I had eaten.

I called my doctor’s office and they told me to swing by.

My doctor mentioned the rash did not look like it was brought on by food or drink and proceeded to ask all sorts of questions. He was certain it was some sort of reaction to shampoo, detergent, lotion, or perfume.

I’ve used the same shampoo since high school, I make my own detergent, I don’t use lotion, and I’ve worn the same perfume for at least five years.

NEXT.

He then brought in his doctor co-worker friend and this guy was all, “Well, I don’t think it is shingles and probably not scarlet fever. If it was lupus, the rash would be located on your joints.”  HUH.

They told me to go home and take some allergy medication for my hives and to call them if anything changed.  I was concerned for the well being of my face, but I felt confident enough to put my hives on blast via Instagram because everyone finds hives amusing when they aren’t happening to you.

This is the face of poison ivy.

I should have titled the photo “Bitch, you don’t even know”, as this was just the beginning.  Later that evening, my entire head was bright effing red and on fire. I stayed up all night with a cold washcloth on my face, consulting Dr. Google, convinced that I was suffering from a rare medical condition and about to receive the cutting edge diagnosis of being allergic to my husband.

After a full night of being miserable and not sleeping, I was inspecting my red, patchy, burning swollen face in the mirror and noticed there were tiny blisters forming on the rim of my lower eyelid.

I called my doctor’s office AGAIN freaking out because Hi, no sleep and because Mary went blind on Little House and they were all, “Please come to the office immediately, we are concerned for your vision”.

NO KIDDING, ME TOO.

Twenty minutes later, I am back in the exact same exam room from the day before.  My doctor informs me my skin is blistering and it looks like my lymph nodes are swelling. He inquired if I could have possibly somehow been exposed to poison ivy.

Oh, you mean like maybe when I went into the woods and picked up 200 pinecones by hand?

Pinecone Wreath

And then painstakingly glued those 200 super speshul FREE pinecones to a tacky wreath with nothing but my glue gun and a dream?

Pinecone Wreath

He informed me that even if the poison ivy dickface of a plant is dead it could still infect you for up to a YEAR with its super demon plant powers.

So, I picked up pinecones lying in field of dead, poisoned plants, came inside, glued said infected pinecones of death to a wreath, touched my iPhone a whole bunch of times while making the wreath, and then used the said contaminated phone like a boss while working the next day and gave my entire head the worst case of poison ivy my doctor has ever seen in the history of his practice.

I was prescribed steroids to prevent my eyes from swelling shut, my face looked like it was sunburned to a itchy, infuriating crisp that I absolutely could not scratch, and I had blisters all over my entire head, even in the creases of my ears.

While the best things in life are indeed free, apparently they can also rage and disease your entire face with their poison oils. My free wreath cost me two doctor office visits, $16 in drugstore relief, a co-pay for my prescription, and my dignity.

I straight jacked myself up all in the name of crafting.

DSC_1239

After my family offered their love and support in the form of laughter, my sister pretty much summed up this entire experience up with one sentence:

No truer words have ever been spoken.

    Comments
  • Auto Care and Service


    I conceive you have observed some very interesting points , appreciate it for the post.

  • Get More Info


    MichaelJemery.com is a site with many hypnosis downloads. Whether you are looking for free hypnosis downloads, self hypnosis download for mp3, video and any audio files, Michael Jemery has the downloads for you. You can download hypnosis from apps, audio, mp3 and even youtube !

  • Auto Care and Service


    It¡¦s actually a cool and helpful piece of info. I¡¦m glad that you just shared this helpful information with us. Please stay us up to date like this. Thank you for sharing.

  • Emery EPS


    Emeryeps is a SEO(Search Engine optimzation) and Internet Marketing company. They help businesses to get traffic from various search engine and online community. They have seo experts and consultants with many years of SEO Experiences. No matter where your business is located, EmeryEPS.com can help your business to secure your highly convertible leads online.

  • Auto Care and Service


    I have recently started a website, the info you offer on this website has helped me tremendously. Thank you for all of your time & work. “The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.” by Mark Twain.

  • Dos Hermanas Weed


    Honestly, you are even better than a unicorn, because you are real. You have made my day! The people you love are lucky to have you in their lives. Somehow you make time stop and fly at the same time.

  • Phoebe


    I like it when people get together and share thoughts. Great blog, keep it up!

  • Auto Care and Service


    Great beat ! I would like to apprentice while you amend your web site, how can i subscribe for a blog site? The account helped me a acceptable deal. I had been tiny bit acquainted of this your broadcast provided bright clear concept

  • Auto Care and Service


    I am continually browsing online for articles that can help me. Thx!

  • Auto Care and Service


    you are really a just right webmaster. The website loading velocity is incredible. It seems that you’re doing any unique trick. In addition, The contents are masterpiece. you’ve done a magnificent task on this matter!

  • Auto Care and Service


    hey there and thank you for your information – I have definitely picked up something new from right here. I did however expertise several technical points using this site, as I experienced to reload the web site lots of times previous to I could get it to load correctly. I had been wondering if your web host is OK? Not that I’m complaining, but sluggish loading instances times will sometimes affect your placement in google and could damage your high quality score if advertising and marketing with Adwords. Well I am adding this RSS to my e-mail and could look out for a lot more of your respective fascinating content. Make sure you update this again very soon..

  • Auto Care and Service


    I’m really impressed with your writing skills and also with the layout on your weblog. Is this a paid theme or did you modify it yourself? Either way keep up the nice quality writing, it is rare to see a nice blog like this one these days..

  • Auto Care and Service


    Good article and right to the point. I am not sure if this is really the best place to ask but do you folks have any thoughts on where to get some professional writers? Thanks in advance 🙂

  • Auto Care and Service


    Thank you for any other informative website. The place else may I get that kind of info written in such an ideal manner? I have a undertaking that I am simply now working on, and I’ve been at the glance out for such info.

  • http://sangsoon07.dothome.co.kr/


    I am genuinely grateful to the holder of this web page who
    has shared this great article at at this place.

  • Auto Care and Service


    I got what you intend, appreciate it for putting up.Woh I am delighted to find this website through google. “It is a very hard undertaking to seek to please everybody.” by Publilius Syrus.

  • Auto Care and Service


    Unquestionably believe that which you said. Your favorite justification seemed to be on the web the simplest thing to be aware of. I say to you, I definitely get annoyed while people think about worries that they just do not know about. You managed to hit the nail upon the top and defined out the whole thing without having side effect , people can take a signal. Will likely be back to get more. Thanks

  • Auto Care and Service


    Undeniably believe that which you stated. Your favorite justification seemed to be on the net the simplest thing to be aware of. I say to you, I definitely get irked while people think about worries that they plainly don’t know about. You managed to hit the nail upon the top as well as defined out the whole thing without having side effect , people could take a signal. Will probably be back to get more. Thanks

  • دوربین مدار بسته


    Eat slowly and gradually if you want to lessen the incidence of acid reflux in the course of your meals. When you consume also quickly, your entire body does not have sufficient time to method the foodstuff, which can guide to irritation and pain inside your tummy. Place down your utensils if you have a tough time carrying out this efficiently.

  • NSFW


    Buying a new perv to play sneeky games with really like to demonstrate my lil body off. I love to wiggle and chuckle.

  • nike huarache


    Aw, this was a very nice post. In concept I want to put in writing like this moreover ?taking time and precise effort to make an excellent article?however what can I say?I procrastinate alot and under no circumstances seem to get one thing done.

  • visit our website


    Of the California Government Code.

  • Game of War Fire Age kamień


    Go to the most recent working on line new generator here!

  • extra.globo.com


    I’m now not certain where you are getting your
    info, however great topic. I must spend a while finding out more or figuring
    out more. Thank you for magnificent information I was in search of this info for my mission.

  • カラコン通販


    Wow, amazing blog layout! How long have you been blogging for? you make blogging look easy. The overall look of your web site is wonderful, let alone the content!

  • カラコン通販


    Keep up the good piece of work, I read few content on this internet site and I think that your weblog is really interesting and holds sets of wonderful info .

  • cara menghadapi anak susah makan


    whoah this weblog is great i really like reading your posts.
    Stay up the great work! You recognize, lots of persons are looking around for
    this info, you could aid them greatly.

  • generator do Mobile Strike


    Online Mobile Strike Hack applications: Why You
    Require It.

  • agar bayi mau makan


    I don’t even know the way I finished up right here,
    but I thought this publish used to be great. I don’t realize who you are but certainly you are going to a famous blogger when you aren’t already.
    Cheers!

  • bhph note buyers


    The amount of your monthly payments is only a parameter of the loan. However, invest the a closer look,
    yoou will be amazed at hhow mucch interest they really add up
    in exchange for that loow monthly dues. Keepp these tip in mind to become
    aan expert when searching for a car.

  • Shannon Costill


    That is such a terrible story!!! The way you tell it made me crack up!!! That is some funny stuff

  • jizzbook.biz


    Have you ever considered writing an e-book or guest authoring on other websites?
    I have a blog centered on the same topics you discuss and would love to have you share some stories/information. I know my viewers would enjoy your work.
    If you are even remotely interested, feel free
    to shoot me an e mail.

  • Loree Boesel


    Can I just say what a relief to find someone who actually knows what they are talking about.

    http://www.hairfouru.com/uncategorized/the-truth-about-gingers/

  • Trackbacks

  • Trackback from sexy slave kit
    Tuesday, 22 August, 2017

    sexy slave kit

    […]Here is an excellent Weblog You may Come across Interesting that we Encourage You[…]

  • Trackback from نصب و اجرای دوربین مداربسته
    Tuesday, 22 August, 2017

    دوربین مدار بسته

    Greetings! I have been looking through your internet site for a lengthy now and finally acquired the bravery to go in advance and give you a shout out from Huffman Tx! desired to say maintain up the exceptional function!

  • Trackback from Adam and eve
    Tuesday, 22 August, 2017

    Adam and eve

    […]that could be the finish of this article. Right here you’ll locate some web sites that we think you’ll enjoy, just click the links over[…]

  • Trackback from Evoke Strapless Strap-On
    Tuesday, 22 August, 2017

    Evoke Strapless Strap-On

    […]just beneath, are quite a few absolutely not associated websites to ours, nonetheless, they are certainly really worth going over[…]

leave a comment
Your email is never shared.
Required fields are marked *