So It Goes

posted by on 05/30/2012 | 118 comments (leave one of your own)

It’s been two weeks since her accident. I still can’t believe this has happened, every time my phone bing bongs, I think it is her. We used to text message all day long, just two (hilarious) moms trying to make it through the day.  The very last thing I would do before falling asleep each night was try and beat her at Words With Friends.  I did a few times, but not many.  She was freakishly good at word games.

On the morning of her memorial service, last Tuesday, I stayed up until 4:30 in the morning writing and deleting and writing my words for her.  I had put it off until the absolute last minute because, well, who wants to get a head start on that, you know? I had been instructed by the pastor that if during any part of my speech I was unable to finish to just walk away from the podium. The whole time I was typing all I could think about was choking on my words and tears in front of hundreds of people.  I finally had something that I thought she would like and when the sun was just about to come up, I finally pushed Print.  It would have to be good enough, I hoped it would be good enough, because time was up.  As I stacked the pages neatly on my desk, I could hear the birds chirping outside my office window.  I smiled to myself, Jamie hated birds.  She was never amused by birds and their antics.

After a few hours of lying down and pretending to sleep, I got up to get ready to go to the chapel.  I made sure our clothes were ready the night before, we had to be out of the house before nine.  I washed my hair the night before, but I wanted to make sure it was going to look okay, so I sprayed a bit of dry shampoo around the front.  It was only after I smelled coconut that I realized I was spraying suntan oil in my hair because I wasn’t wearing my glasses and the canisters are conveniently the exact same color.  As I sat the can down on my bathroom counter with my oil slick, coconut smelling bangs plastered to my face, I started to cry.

I could only think of one person that would think oil in my bangs on the way to a funeral was as hilarious as I did.  And she’s gone.


I made it though my speech at the service, thank you so much for your kind words and messages last week. It was the scariest, most difficult thing I’ve ever done, her gorgeous children and her fantastic mother sitting seven feet in front of me while I spoke gave me the courage to say my words.  Jamie’s service was beautiful and so perfectly her.  I read a poem at the end that I found online by Author Unknown.  I changed some of the words to apply to her children, I hope the author of the poem excuses my act of plagiarism and understands.

I’m Still Here 

My sweet children, I know you mourn for me
I’m still here, even though you don’t see.
I’m right by your side each night and day
And within your heart I long to stay.

My body is gone but I will always be near
I am everything you feel, see or hear.
My spirit is free, but we’re never apart
As long as you keep me alive in your heart.

I’ll never wander out of your sight
I’m the brightest star on a summer night.
I will never be beyond your reach
I’m the warm sand when you’re at the beach.

I’m the colourful leaves when Autumn’s around
And the pure white snow that blankets the ground.
I’m the beautiful flowers of which you’re so fond
The clear cool water in a quiet still pond.

I’m the first bright blossom you’ll see in the spring
The first warm raindrop that April will bring.
I’m the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine
And you’ll see that the face in the moon is mine.

When you start to think there’s no one to love you
You can talk to me through the sky above you.
I’ll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees
And you’ll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.

I’m the river of tears that flow when you weep
And the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.
I’m the smile that spreads across your sweet face.
Just look for me, my loves, I am every place.

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