We’ll Walk With A Walk
One year ago today, my best girl was taken to the hospital and diagnosed with Type One Diabetes.
Over the course of one year, she has endured 1,825 finger sticks and 1,420 shots.
And with the strike of each needle piercing my daughter’s skin in order for her to live, I can feel part of me slowly fade; fade because I feel as though I have failed my only daughter. Day in and day out, I watch her check her numbers and draw up her dose and I sometimes ball my fists up tightly, so tight that my nails dig into my palm. I sit at our kitchen table across from her and I exhale, looking at my beautiful girl who is so graceful and perfect and so matter of fact about her piece of shit non-working pancreas, and I silently hope with all of my might that she never grows to fiercely hate this disease as much as I do, this goddamn ugly fucking disease that has made her dependent on vials of manufactured liquid and battery operated meters that determine her course.
There is a place where the sidewalk ends
And before the street begins,
And there the grass grows soft and white,
And there the sun burns crimson bright,
And there the moon-bird rests from his flight
To cool in the peppermint wind.
Last week as I was cleaning the garage, I came across a box, an unmarked box, but I still knew damn well what it contained. The three days that Zoe was hospitalized upon her diabetes diagnosis, we were bombarded with literature and pamphlets and videos and the paperback bound holy grail of diabetes management. Most of the “educational videos” we were shown in the hospital featured carefree children passing out due to their low blood sugars in the middle of class or slumping over while sitting on bleachers having a fun loving time with their friends and they scared the ever loving shit out of me, I was convinced this was what would happen on a regular basis (Pro Tip: It most certainly does not). Pretty much every thing I knew about diabetes up until January 10th of last year I learned from Steel Magnolias, which HELLO, is based upon the true story of the writer’s diabetic sister. WHO DIED FROM TYPE ONE DIABETES.
When we arrived home from the hospital, the very first thing I turned to and read in the all-about-diabetes book? Long Term Complications of Diabetes. I threw that book across my kitchen so hard that it tore the cover when it slammed into the baseboard. In a seething fit of rage fueled by the knowledge of what may or may not happen to my daughter’s kidneys, I gathered it up and with all the pamphlets and all the papers and all the videos and I taped them up into a box and dumped into my pantry where it sat behind closed doors for almost eight months until we moved. Rational? No. Necessary for my heart? Probably.
Let us leave this place where the smoke blows black
And the dark street winds and bends.
Past the pits where the asphalt flowers grow
We shall walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And watch where the chalk-white arrows go
To the place where the sidewalk ends.
I decided last week to go through the box of knowledge and I quickly peeled off the packing tape standing in my chilly garage. I pulled out the books, the pamphlets, the videos and I noticed there was a scrap of paper on the bottom. It was a drawing that Zoe did while she was in her hospital bed, hooked up to a machine patiently and courageously waiting for her frail, sickly body to right itself. As I lifted the drawing out of the box, I remembered her handing it to me, telling me it was a unicorn and I had asked her why the unicorn’s horn was so small.
She just shrugged and told me, “We all gotta start somewhere“.
Today I framed that small horned unicorn as reminder, a reminder that my somewhere is now.
Yes we’ll walk with a walk that is measured and slow,
And we’ll go where the chalk-white arrows go,
For the children, they mark, and the children, they know
The place where the sidewalk ends. –Shel Silverstein
Jade @ Tasting Grace
You’re making me cry right now. But the thing is, I think both you and your best girl are so very, very brave.
Ellie
Darling, I’m hugging you through the screen right now. Since I can’t be there or figure out how to copy and paste with the damn iPad, YouTube “Where the sidewalk ends” and Edge of Arbor. It’s my husbands band and maybe it might help you when you get stabby towards things. *hugs*
Ellie
http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=where%20the%20sidewalk%20ends%20edge%20of%20arbor%20song&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CC4QtwIwAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DV0CC5ruu9pY&ei=PkINT6juOo-BsgK5hMGLBg&usg=AFQjCNEkWjAkigdsGkFxTh_AW87S1Vj4kA
Okay, I think this will work.
Laine Griffin
Oh man, this really made me cry a little too! I wish parenthood didn’t have to be so hard. I want it to be emotionally demanding in only the positive ways! Hugs to you both.
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Adventures in Babywearing
Breathtaking. I really don’t know what else to say.
Steph
Carly
hey Zakary,
I found you via MFAMB and have been following a little while – your writing is so entertaining, and honest. Our lives couldn’t be more different – I live half a world away, hardly ever see snow, am not big on squirrels, and I don’t have any kids. So while I laugh and think and enjoy your posts, I don’t often feel I have the right to respond…until today.
Diabetes is unfair and ugly – ain’t that the truth. You’re all being so brave. But what shines through is just how gracious, brave and accepting your daughter is. How amazing that this mix of nature and nurture conspired to give you a daughter who is such an example – pretty much handing out life lessons to grownups, half a world away. Rock on Zoe.
Susan
you made me cry, I am so very scared today, my son has been losing weight and his pediatrician found out thru labs that he is having issues with his pancreas. we see a specialist today…….diabeties runs crazy in my family
(
mia
She’s amazing. I love your blog. You’re all amazing.
lissa
Your little girl is as wise as she is beautiful! You both are pretty amazing!
lissa recently posted..just be.
Kate
Unicorn. Awesome.
Victoria Gilbert
OK. Crying before breakfast, you got me. My daughter was 13 at dx and is now almost 20. She’s doing great, but I still stillstill have those fierce days when I’d do anything to take this burden away from her if I could.
You nailed it. Your bravery helps me too.
thanks.
Sarah
That’s one wise girl you have, there. She’s a trooper & so’s her momma. And I LOVE Shel Silverstein… awesome pick for a great post.
Sarah recently posted..It’s Friday! Word!
BusyDad
That post was worth the wait. Everything about it was amazing. Except for the diabetes. Diabetes can have a kick in the groin. From me. Really, really swift, deliberate and hard.
A unicorn with a rainbow mane. Zoe’s got this down.
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Redneck Mommy
I think I love your daughter.
Not surprisingly, since I love her momma.
I love that unicorn picture and her statement of starting somewhere. Oh yes, I do.
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Sarah A.
Wow. Just, wow. Diabetes should be scared &*$%-less of y’all.
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Jennifer Jo
This is beautiful—the honesty, the courage, the hope. xo
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Amanda Boicourt
In a few days, my daughter will have her 3rd year ‘diaversary’. I get it. And it does get better, all of it. In a couple of weeks, we will flying in to your area, Denver, to visit Johnson and Wales, which she was accepted.
Thanks for sharing and thanks for letting me share.
Amanda
Gini
You know Zoe gets that quiet, sublime strength from you, right? Your beautiful girl is spectacular and she comes from an equally hard-ass mother. (As I wipe away a tear.)
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Briana
Ugh, tears. My mother has Type I, yet I can’t imagine how it would be if it were my child who I had to watch all those years. She seems to be a pretty remarkable girl.
Peace, Love, Unicorns & Rainbows.
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cally
Wow. Ok. I can’t really say anything else. Just, if I ever meet you, I’ll buy you a beer or 30.
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Deb
Ah sweetie. I’m not used to crying when I come over here. Your girl’s a rock star, and so are you.
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Kate S.
I can’t believe it’s been a year!
But what a beautiful post to commemorate an ugly event. Hang onto that drawing, always. It will be more important to both of you than you know.
Issa
I adore you Z. For this, for everything. Your best girl has so much more power than the direbetes. For what it’s worth honey? I think you do too. Love to both of you today.
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Jennifer
Lump in my throat the size of a huge bolder.
You are amazing. Zoe is amazing. Just know that. And that is what will get you through.
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TheAvasmommy
What a beautiful post.
For what it’s worth…my cousin has type 1. Was actually diagnosed as an infant. He’s 46 years old. I won’t lie and say he’s been completely healthy, but he’s still here. He’s active, has a family and is an amazing man. If he can do it, so can she. Especially with a great mama behind her.
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TwoBusy
Lovely. Really.
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mosey (kim)
Beautiful and honest. Your daughter sounds like an amazingly mature and lovely girl, who like mine, teaches grace just by how she chooses to be.
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calamity jane
please stop making me cry.
i do know that people live long, fulfilling lives with all kinds of diseases. (my mom is one example that comes to mind.) esp. with all the medical advances they keep coming up with. zoe has such a great attitude, btw! you two are lucky to have each other
Charla
You have an amazing daughter that has an amazing Mom. You should be proud of yourselves! You are kicking diabetes ass!!
Chris
WOW – so beautiful.
We have a box marked Cancer stuff…it is a BIG box and it is up in the attic. I might just have to see what treasures are in there.
You are two amazing people…and I don’t say that in a light or trite way…you truly are.
-xoxo
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merlin513
smart girl you got there mama! which proves that you haven’t ‘failed’ her in ANY way! *hug*
Lori
YOU. ARE. AWESOME. ZDUB…thats all
shannon
beautiful. love the drawing, and that you’ve gotten it framed. my daughter was diagnosed 2.5 years ago, so i am well-acquainted with The Box. glad you finally unearthed it.
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Elaine
You are both so very brave and strong. But I’m still sorry she has to endure this and wish she didn’t. You too.
I do adore what she said about the unicorn. Wow.
xoxo
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beaux
Okay, now you just made me cry.
Lois just said, “We need to go see them some weekend.”
We are wishing you and your family a wonderful year.
beaux recently posted..1/11/2012
my favorite and my best- MFAMB to you
that was beautiful.
she’s going to be fine you know.
there will be a cure before she ever gets married.
i may not be so lucky. but she will be. i know it.
you are solid.
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Andrea @ Bubblewrapp'd
She is amazing. You are amazing.
God I love your honesty. I love your writing. I love your family.
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Paige
So Beautiful!
Kelly @ D2BD
Zoe is just so… knowable. Her courage is amazing and I’m so glad she’s taking this all in stride. I hope it helps you. I can’t imagine how you must feel on a daily basis but we are all here for you. I love that your framed her picture it’s perfect. ox
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Lizzie
I think youve put into words what some people are just not able to, and so beautifully.
Btw…I attended the Boston JOSLYN ( juvenile diabetes fundraiser) in November and there is a lot of hope. They mentioned the “c” word: cure. That’s a brave statement, but you’re brave people.
I know it doesn’t make this any easier but there are a lot of smart and dedicated people working on it. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a cure.
Kerri.
I love you guys. For real.
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Kerri.
(One more thing: The unicorn plus the Silverstein Where the Sidewalk Ends has me reeling from the common threads over here. I took a few liberties with the poem a few months ago: http://sixuntilme.com/blog2/2011/08/where_the_islet_cells_end.html )
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Stephanie
We love you guys! But I HAVE to know.. is that unicorn FARTING GLITTER?
Andrea
How’d I miss this? You are a great mom, and she is a great kid. That’s all you need. And breathe.
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