Y’all, I am up in it with holidays and birthdays and school and if anyone else DARES to puke/crap on me (side eye to Troy), they are being voted off this damn island.

This is straight crunch time. It starts with Halloween and I white knuckle wine a bottle of zannies until the middle of January.

Let’s rundown this hot mess of my holiday season:

11/12: Troy’s birthday
11/20ish: Thanksgiving
11/28: Jeff’s birthday
12/10: Zoe’s class party (I’m head ringleader)
12/24: Christmas Eve
12/25: Baby Jesus celebration
12/31: NYE (no big deal because we are in sweatpants but we shoot off illegal fireworks)
1/15: Zoe’s birthday (also Martin Luther King’s birthday, represent)

Keep in mind I also see my husband approximately 20 minutes a day total from now until Christmas. Package Ninja has to work, those boxes do not deliver themselves. I am absolutely not complaining, you keep ordering that Amazon and Zappos and Overstock, it’s his job security.

Hot Mess Holiday Season (HMHS for short) also brings out my craftastic gene that mostly lies dormant throughout the year.  Jeff’s birthday was Monday and one of his presents was a heartfelt questionnaire that the kids filled out for him, framed, and decorated with party flags cut from origami paper (WE SO ASIAN).

Heartfelt=I jacked the idea from Pinterest.

Glue gun dreams,
ZDub

My vision went to crap when I was 12 and I have worn glasses or contacts ever since.  When I was younger, I preferred contacts.  Now that I’m older (see TIRED), I pretty much wear glasses exclusively.  You don’t have to mess with any solutions and you don’t have to put your hands in your eyeballs to take them off (THINK OF THE GERMS).

Also, I think they make me look smart.  And fancy.  Like I want to write cursive and check the stocks when I wear my glasses.

GlassesUSA.com graciously provided me with a pair of spectacles (smart people say spectacles) and they are my new favorite. I was kinda frightened about ordering a pair of glasses online, but GlassesUSA.com guarantees everything and they have a virtual mirror and you can “try” your glasses on before you make your purchase.  I received my glasses in record time and I was able to rock them out immediately.  No hands in my eyeballs needed.

I went with the Noah in gray, a refined yet modern frame. (Imagine I said that in cursive.)

You can check out their Facebook page for exclusive deals and they also have awesome savings on their site in case you want to buy glasses or eyeglasses, OMG THERE IS SO MANY WORDS FOR SPECTACLES.

According to the Vision Council of America (smart people research), about 60% of the adult population uses prescription glasses or contacts.  Do you wear either?  Let’s talk.

Team Smarts 4 Life.

Troy and I drove out west (across Denver) with $40 and a dream. And then we bought this chandelier.

Let’s all take a moment to wish my husband, Asian Persuasion, a very happy birthday. If he were a modern man that enjoyed all technology had to offer (besides video games), this is where I would link to his Facebook or Twitter but he doesn’t have either one of those. It’s just as well because he doesn’t need to know what I’m up to or how I’m contemplating spending his money on Craigslist or various squirrel related purchases.

In honor of Jeff turning 33, enjoy.

1. Jeff’s middle name? Taylor.

2. He thinks every thing I do is magic. (Because it is, duh)

3. He is probably the most patient person ever to walk the earth.

4. This is why we have been married for longer than five days.

5. While I know I’m magical, I am also high maintenance and a gigantic pain in the ass.

6. Back to Jeff.

7. He shares a birthday with Jon Stewart and Trey Songz (the Henny in your system and you start drunk textin). And also my grandmother.

8. He is freakishly good at video games because he didn’t have any friends when he was little except for his Nintendo (true story).

9. Before he became a package delivery ninja, he was a package loader ninja.

10. And went to work every day at 2:30 IN THE MORNING.

11. For almost three years.

12. He does not get the mail. Ever. Even when I’m out of town.

13. Even if he has worked a 12 hour day, he doesn’t mind cleaning up the kitchen.

14. He folds and puts away all the laundry.

15. He brings home an Ice Cream Snickers bar for me like once a month because he knows they are my favorite.

16. He makes a pretty crappy pot of coffee, but he always brings me a cup in the morning on the weekends.

17. While his coffee skills are less than stellar, he makes a mean pan of nachos.

18. And grills a kick ass steak.

19. We wear the same size pants. (SICK)

20. And weigh the same. (EVEN MORE SICK)

21. When I met him, he didn’t sleep with sheets on his bed.  (Weirdo)

22. He doesn’t like NFL, but enjoys the hell out of NASCAR.

23. He held Troy constantly when he was born.

24. And would get up in the middle of the night with me even if Troy just needed to nurse.

25. He only checks his email like twice a month.

26. He reads my Martha Stewart magazine every month and dog ears recipes he likes. (Don’t tell him I told you)

27. He has had grey hair since he was 12.

28. He makes me pluck weird hairs that grow on his shoulder blades.

29. He also lets me wax his eyebrows, but just the middle.

30. He has a mole (like most asians) and lets a hair grow out of it because it’s lucky.  I let this slide because it’s a nod to his heritage.

31. He knows all the lyrics to every 2Pac song ever written.

32. He also knows all the lyrics to every Mariah Carey song ever written.  (This shows diversity)

33. He would do anything for us.

Happy Birthday, Jeff. Stay ninja.

xoxo.

Actually he probably would have played this whether Troy wanted to or not.