No Raccoons Were Physically Harmed In The Making Of This Post. Emotionally Harmed? Probably.

posted by on 10/11/2011 | 2,153 comments (leave one of your own)

I am going to be straight with you all, I miss Napoleon.

And my squirrels in general.

The bears destroyed my squirrel feeder right before we moved (RUDE) and I have yet to replace it (LAZY).  I know they are out there, the squirrels, watching and waiting for some nutrition and this fills me with shame.

However,  last week when I found two fatass RACCOONS in my trash cans at 7:45 in the morning?  I was filled with rage.  And anger.  And aww, look at the fluffy raccoons.

But mostly anger.

raccoon terror

Raccoons are not squirrels, they do not spark any interest in my heart. They are gross and there were two of them. And they shit all over the inside of my brand new trash cans courtesy of our trash company. Do you know how hard it is to get brand new trash cans in these parts? Difficult, very difficult. I mean, I told J to carry them to the curb so the wheels wouldn’t get scuffed.

He refuses, but at least he doesn’t crap in them (THAT I KNOW OF).


I decided to gently lay the trash can on its side and then open the lid and release the trash can defilers back into the wild.

I made Zoe open the lid BECAUSE I WAS TAKING PHOTOS.


One fat ass raccoon came rambling out, but just one. I was pretty sure there were two so I made Zoe look inside and she was all, “Uh, he looks kinda dead to me”.


And then I was all, “No way is he dead”. So I looked. And he seemed most certainly very dead.


I freaked out. Who do I call for raccoon removal? Can I post an ad on Craigslist? Do I bury it? Do I leave it in the trash can for other people to deal with? Are we murderers? Will this get back to the squirrel community?

Zoe said we should probably confirm the raccoon’s death by poking him with a stick. I concurred, but only because it was so early in the morning and I was in my pajamas and UGG boots taking photos of the inside of my trash can at 7:45 in the a.m. and we are new to the neighborhood. Let’s speed this up because we are introducing our neighbors to a whole other level of crazy.

And that dead raccoon shot out of that trash can and scared the holy hell out of us.


Trash can miracles, y’all.

Send squirrels,

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