This Is Why I Usually Buy My Own Presents.

posted by on 07/29/2011 | 1,263 comments (leave one of your own)

OK, I don’t mean to come of like an ungrateful whore pit viper (like my sister*), or as my friend Steve says, a slut hole cobra, but my birthday present this year sucked.

Now I know I’m supposed to say “It’s the thought that counts BLAH BLAH BLAH”, but it’s not the thought that counts, it’s the gift that counts. Whoever came up with that bullshit expression must have been a very, very nice person. Or at least a more tolerable person than myself. You see, I am up in this muthaeffer making these folks dinner, washing their clothes, scrubbing toilets, that’s plural toilets because we have three.

And what does this group of jokers give me for my birthday (I know, we are still talking about it, but when you are my age it’s all you have)?

Do they go on Etsy and search SQUIRREL and proceed to buy any of  the 6,781 results that show up?

Do they get me a gift card to insert one the 52 stores I would like to shop at but don’t because I feel guilty?

Do they drop me off at the lake with a bottle of vodka and say, “See you in a six hours”?

Any of these options? Winners.

NO. They gave me a BLOW DRYER.


In their defense, my blow dryer exploded a few weeks ago and this is a very pricey blow dryer.

In my defense, HELLO? Did we just meet? They are my family. I gave birth to two members. A blow dryer is a crap present. CRAP.

Me: (opens present) Uh wow, a blow dryer…
Them: Yeah, we knew that yours quit working.
Me: I don’t really blow dry my hair anymore…
Them: Right, because you didn’t have one.
Me: Is this a trick?

Many years ago, J gave me a rice cooker for Mother’s Day.  I thought we were past this, but clearly I was wrong.  It isn’t that he isn’t thoughtful, he’s just maybe too practical.  He called me on my birthday and asked where he should go to buy me balloons because he wanted to get the best price.

Please make me feel better and tell me about your crappy presents.

Returns and refunds,


*My WPV sister gave a gift card to Shabby Apple, she wins at gifts.

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