Archive for July, 2011

Happy Barfly To Me. And My Dumb Sister. But Mostly To Me.

posted by on 07/26/2011

Today I turn 35.  So does my twin sister, but this is my blog.  I was quite content with 34 and this is kind of my scary age.  So happy barfly (my computer changes BARFDAY to BARFLY, I’m leaving it) to me and my whore pit viper of a sister who likes to steal my thunder and just had to be born on the same day.

Please enjoy the following fun facts, I’m so cutting edge that I flip that shizz and give you the gifts.  You’re welcome.

1.  My twin sister actually has better hair than I do (I opened with this since I called her a whore pit viper).

2.  My favorite color is turquoise.

3.  I wear a size 10 shoe.

4.  I have worn a size 10 shoe since fourth grade and my nickname was “Capital L” due to the fact that I was skinny and tall and wore white reeboks.

5.  I had no asian friends until college.

6.  I was a cocktail waitress during college for three years.

7.  Three inch heels were part of the uniform.

8.  We were encouraged to drink with the customers and I had a regular that owned his own helicopter.  He invited the entire staff to his house on New Year’s 1997 and became enraged when someone accidentally opened a $700 bottle of french champagne that was in the lettuce drawer of his refrigerator.

9.  My children are not allowed to work in the restaurant business.

10. I lied at the age of 21 to get my first bartending job.

11. This might mean my whole career has been a sham.

12. I am older than my sister by five minutes.

13. Now that I am in my 30’s, I have to shave my elbows.

14. I am afraid of the dark.

15. Zoe’s diabetes has made me a better mother.

16. I will never, ever watch Steel Magnolias ever again.

17. I didn’t know how to hold a baby or change a diaper when Zoe was born.

18. My mother came and stayed with me for six weeks when I had Zoe.  See #17.

19. When I was little and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I did not have an answer.

20. I still don’t.

21. I called my dad’s cell phone repeatedly after he died just to hear his voice.

22. Parking garages can make me hyperventilate.

23. The same goes for stopping under a bridge in traffic.

24. I think I would be a kick ass gay man.

25. Preferably asian.

26. I had food poisoning from a hamburger when I was 17 and was violently ill.

27. I was a vegetarian for many years afterwards and to this day I refuse to eat ground beef.

28. When I was pregnant with Troy, I cut out a photo of an adorable asian baby with black hair and taped it to the refrigerator as part of my visualization process towards having a successful birth because I just *knew* that Jeff’s asian genes would come through.

29. During Troy’s birth my midwife said she could see his head and that he had “red hair” and I promptly told her to shut up.

30. I would like one more child.

31. If I concentrate super hard, I can remember exactly what it sounded like when I had an episiotomy and the scissors cut through my crotch.

32. I research adoption on a regular basis.

33. I would like to learn to sew.

34. And have an Etsy shop.

35. When we were born, our parents could only afford one car seat despite having TWINS.  In the following photo, they documented their favorite child traveling safely in the car.  That’s my sister on the left.

January 77

P.S. Happy Barfly to my sister, I’m sorry mom and dad didn’t love you as much.


This Is Actually My Birthday Wish.

posted by on 07/26/2011