Welcome To The Sh!T Show.

posted by Zakary on March 18, 2011 | 35 comments (leave one of your own)

When we found out Zoe had dire-betes, I cut back my already extremely part-time work hours at the bar to pathetically part-time. I guess you could say I am a stay at home bartender/full-time pancreas. One thing is for certain, I am getting my ass kicked on a daily basis.

How in the hell do people do this?

I don’t go anywhere or do anything and my house is a wreck/crap hole/disaster zone.

I go to the pharmacy and the school and the grocery store. Actually, our pharmacy is located inside our grocery store, which is conveniently located next to the liquor store, so I have a lot of time inside my house and I still cannot manage to get it together.

I am just going to admit it: I don’t care anything about cleaning house.


[This has been in the hallway for a week, we just walk around it.  Apparently the supplies aren’t magic and do not clean for you while you sleep.]

It bores me. I mean, we have clean/non-folded clothes and the bathrooms are clean(ish). Did people eat today? Get their insulin on time? Bathe? Not die? These are the things in my book that make the day a success.

Things that don’t make or break my day? Doing the dishes.


Or folding laundry.

we just eat at the other end of the table.  i'm not kidding.

Or filing dire-betes paperwork.


I mean, I know nobody likes to do these chores, but now? I really don’t.  And I am losing my damn mind.


Do I need a chore chart? More meds? A housekeeper? A sister wife?

I do know that a housekeeper is out of the question, there is absolutely NO way I could talk Jeff into that one. A sister wife? Maybe.

I wasn’t raised this way, don’t blame my mother. My mother used to have full hair and make-up before we were even awake in the morning and spent the entire day deep cleaning everything. We came home to hospital corners on our beds and homemade cinnamon rolls in the kitchen.

not cute.

I couldn’t even tell you the last time I washed sheets and I think our oven is broken.

I need to turn this around. I don’t want my kids growing up and thinking, “I loved my mom, but DAMN, we had a dirty house”. It is too late for Zoe, she’s 10, but Troy hasn’t really developed any long term memory skills, so I need to turn this crap show around before they both can recall their grimy, crumb covered adolescence.

Send advice.  Or a sister wife.

Big Love,

  • Tracy

    Here’s the weird thing: I like to clean. Seriously. Give me a scuzzy bathroom sink or an oven and I’m in heaven. It’s total therapy for me. If I’m stressed out, I just clean the kitchen.

    I can’t believe I just admitted that. I need help.

    Of course, just because I like to clean doesn’t mean my house is clean. It’s like the movie Groundhog’s Day in my house – I feel like I clean the same three things over and over. Kitchen counters. Refrigerator. Top of the stove. Nothing else ever gets done.

    I vote for getting a sister wife. It makes everyone happy. I think.

  • MissCaron

    You poor thing… I’d send you a maid if I could… I pray that the magical fairy cleaning people pay you a visit overnight and you wake up in the morning with a sparkling home!

  • Sarah Williamson

    “…DAMN, we had a dirty house.”

    seriously made me snicker. as contributors to the mess, i’m sure you’re children will choose other memories to reflect on. my whole philosophy is that the urge to clean (for me) comes and goes. i can’t be expected to keep everything june cleaver clean.

  • Tricia

    I have been begging Kenny for a sister wife. Actually two. I need one that likes to cook/clean/babysit and another that likes to work. Just imagine it. I can spend my days shopping with wife #3’s income while wife #2 watches the kids/cooks dinner/cleans.

  • Deb

    Laundry is stupid.

    I am very lucky to have a 15 year old girl who I pay about $15 a week. She comes over on Tuesdays for an hour and vacuums & scrapes dried pee off the toilets. She doesn’t really do anything else, but it motivates me to shovel all the laundry down the stairs and get out clean towels.

    I highly recommend. Maybe you know a babysitter-aged person who wants to branch out into Household Engineering? Ten bucks an hour is a lot of money for a kid, until they learn to drive, that is.

  • Issa

    Hmmm…I don’t know you well. I’ve been reading here for a month. What I do know is this: You guys went through a major change what, three months ago? A scary, kinda life altering change. Give yourself some time.

    I watched my friend go through something major last year. Her mom…but still. Major and life changing. She’s just starting to get a handle on house crap again. After nearly a year.

    Just…be gentle with yourself. Maybe try for one thing a day. I don’t know. I just think it takes time to adjust.

  • Ani

    WTH..tell me again why you had kids. On the farm that’s how we hire labor. Have a kid wait till they are big enough to carry a shovel and you got yourself a hired hand. lol

    Don’t worry about it to much. Seriously life is to short to fret over some chores. Though I do have some awesome kick but chore charts if you want them. We play a game on the weekend, winner gets first shot at chore cards and them we flip them over and it’s a crap shoot for which ones you get. Everyone is responsible for their own bedrooms and baths. But the spare ones are up for grabs. lol

    If you want them let me know on FB and I’ll get them too you.

    Maggie Bean

  • Kitten Thunder

    There’s a big difference between dirty and cluttered. I see cluttered. And there’s not a darn thing wrong with that. It means your priorities are in order. There’s WAY more important things to do than straighten sheets and make sure your papers are stacked at a 90 degree angle.

    Plus, you’re going to iron those clothes whether you hang them, fold them or pile them. So go with the easiest.

  • Jennifer Jo

    Dearie, I don’t mean to be a party pooper, but…the pictures of your house actually show a different reality than of what you speak. The sink that’s cradling the dirty dishes? It’s not black with scum! The table with the pile of laundry? It’s clean and tidy, and it even has a bonus table runner! The untouched cleaning supplies? So organized, and the floor it’s sitting on looks spotlessly clean!

    So perhaps your standard of cleaning is rather high?

    In any case, standards aside, I totally get your frustration. I’m constantly digging out from under and some days I never even see daylight.

  • Heidi

    ZDub-I agree that there is a huge difference between dirt and clutter and I also agree that what I saw in your photos fell into the clutter category. There is no D-Mom on this planet that cannot identify with this post. In fact some of those piles of clothes and paperwork look an awful lot like parts of my home … NINE YEARS AFTER diagnosis. In my book, “nobody dying” is way more important than nobody wearing wrinkled cat-hair strewn clothes. Just sayin’…

  • Winn

    Oh, Zakary! You need to chill. (That’s said with love and a hearty dose of Ms. Margarita.) I tend to clean more when I’m stressed or angry. So a clean house here means there’s SOMETHING WRONG. A dirty house? Everything is cool and groovy, baby. Relax. The kids are alive? You’re on top of things. Give yourself a high five and chug some drinky-poo in celebration.

    In the meantime, leave those cleaning supplies out and maybe, just maybe, the cleaning fairies will make their way over there. ;)

    (All this is said after I spent the day cleaning for Evan’s birthday party tomorrow. Including scraping nail polish off the floor. It’s a long story.)

  • Kate S.

    Oh my, my very obsessive self is horrified. I love you to death, but those boots are driving me crazy. In fact, knowing they might still be there and I am unable to do anything about it is making me itch to clean my own house further. I even linked my husband to this post and he had a good laugh over imagining me in your house: )

    All that said, I agree with everyone else–at the end of the day, chores are far from the most important thing. Your house doesn’t look dirty; it looks messy. All of it can wait.

    My only advice is institute the “Touch Once” and “Empty Hands” rules. Meaning, touch every object only once from now on–putting everything away immediately, rather than procrastinating. Then it will never become a mess in the first place. And never leave a room empty-handed. Grab something that doesn’t belong and toss it (literally) into whatever room it does belong in. Half the battle is getting things into their proper rooms. Hope that helps.

  • Emily

    As long as you’re not on Hoarders, you’re fine. As for a sister wife, sounds like a free maid and cook to me.

  • Colleen

    Oh, how I long for a sister wife. Preferably one that cooks, cleans and is willing to play taxi for the kids. Sigh…

    Like Emily said in her comment, as long as you’re not on hoarders…. After an hour watching that show, I feel so much better about my house. :)

  • Lindsay

    You know, somehow your dirty still looks clean. And definitely a lot better than mine.

  • Lynette

    Your house is not dirty…..just untidy. You need to gain control. Don’t worry help is at hand. This wonderful webpage helps you gain control over an otherwise untidy domain. http://www.flylady.net/ Some wonderful hints and tricks and you don’t need to pay them a penny. You can use all of the diary or just do what you can, good luck.

  • chris at yardsalequeen.com

    If it’s any consolation – I think your house looks totally fine to me :)

    p.s. I have that exact same wooden slanted step stool.

  • Michelle

    Not a single dust bunny in sight. I think you would win the white glove test.

    When my boys were little and things started to pile up around here, we would have “The Ten Minute Tidy.” You would be surprised how much my three boys and I could get cleaned up in ten minutes . . . 40 minutes of cleaning! Set a timer and GO!

  • Emily

    “Grimy, crumb covered adolescence” was my favorite line. HA! But guess what? Your kids’ memories will be of you and your hubs’ adventures, and Napoleon, and snow days, and crockpot cooking, and snuggles, and how well you nursed them all back to health. I promise. Don’t beat yourself up over house cleaning…loving on your kids is your first priority. And your a rockstar Mom. Thanks for keeping it real. XO.

  • drea

    Like others said, that is a very clean “dirty” house.

    However… I have the best solution for dirty houses…


    It motivates you to straighten the clutter quickly to make room for guests and gives you something to look forward to. It is so win/win. Sure, you have the after party to clean up after, but that’s not too bad in an already clean house. Works for me every time.

  • Jilly

    I think you’re doing a great job keeping everybody fed, clothed and ALIVE. Dude. Seriously. In our house, nobody likes to clean. It’s not theraputic, it’s not fun, and we grumble a lot while we do it. We read or heard something about a 60-second rule. If something chore-related takes less than 60 seconds, do it. Or, do it for 60 seconds and then move on with your life. We get a lot of laundry folded this way, and clutter moved to its appropriate place. Sometimes I count out loud, and sometimes I count really, really fast. “Ohhh…60. Shame. Guess I can’t keep doing the dishes.” Most of the time, this helps us keep the house looking decent. Good luck. If I lived closer, I would totally come over and clean for you in minute-long spurts.

  • Ami

    I would love a sister wife. Seriously.

    But until that day, this is what I do to remain sane. And somewhat sanitary. Continue doing the basic essentials (and by the way good job on that. Basic essentials can bleed your soul dry.) Then assign each room to a certain day. On that day, go to the room and do one/a few/a lot of extra cleaning (depending on your schedule and energy level.)
    I like it because if the kids’ bathroom is messy, I don’t need to have guilt until Wednesday.

  • julie

    moms rave about this chore-planning system. i keep telling myself to check it out but i procrastinate horribly … it’s worth a glance!


  • penny

    My mom always used to say, ‘A clean house is a sign of a wasted life!’ so you can imagine how I grew up but dirty floors and cluttered counters are not what comes to my mind when I think about it.

  • Mo

    I’d be your sister wife. Except no more cleaning would get done, and we’d probably get fatter with all of the cupcakes we’d eat.

  • Elaine

    My Mom used to clean and iron ALL the fracking time. I’m just not engineered that way and my house looks like this sometimes (alot). Unless of course my mother is coming to visit that is. Then we CLEAN!!!

    And I’d be all for a sister wife if I didn’t think she’d probably bring some more damn kids with her. We don’t need anymore of those around here… ;)

  • caiona

    Don’t feel too bad…when we were at the South Dakota hotel over the weekend and Tyler was taking a bath in the sparkly hotel tub he told me “mommy, we need a new house like this one because ours is too dirty”…never felt like a bigger loser!

    By the way…please call me; we need to go out and compare our pitiful stories!

  • dawn

    You’re hilarious! My friend is a long-time follower of you and I am just now getting around to you. I, as well, walk around things, like dirty laundry on the stairs, shoes in the hallway, thinking they will put themselves away. It drives my husband nuts! I literally don’t see it after a while! haha…

  • Erica

    I can’t give you any advice because our houses are brothers from another mother. But I wanted to give you a shout-out to let you know I appreciate this post. It makes me feel more normal. Less of a maternal failure. Less like I’m going to end up on Hoarders in 10 years. Thank you.

  • Lizzy

    Wow…can your mom adopt me? I love cinnamon buns and Pink Tangeen lipstick.
    Seriously, I struggle with this a lot. I don’t think my husband does, though, and my kids don’t seem to think that it’s wrong for a sweatshirt to double as a throw rug. However, I will check out those sites posted by other readers. I am open to getting some inspiration for a chronic pain in my pancre*ass.

  • kim

    Sister wife made me lol. All I can say is I’m right there with you. BUT my house is “lived in” messy and I’m ok with not being Stepford.

  • Cathy

    Cleaning sucks. I don’t even have kids and our smallish condo is filthy. It’s like we live in a frat house. Good thing nobody ever just “pops in to say hi”. I would die.

  • calamity jane

    for a second i thought those were pictures of my house. i kept up with things for awhile, but a few months ago i realized cleaning is dumb. now i just bake cupcakes all day and play video games on the couch with the kids instead. much funner. and i am constantly asking my husband for a sister wife, too!

  • Kelly @ D2BD

    I don’t know how moms do it… seriously my home is just me and mike [boyfriend] and a cat and a dog. We will double team cleaning the house say on a Saturday in prep for friends coming over. By Tuesday it looks like a bomb went off in the house… it starts w/ clothing being taken off in the living room/when we get home. Shoes here, coats there, bags here… it filters from the shelf where I keep the keys to the dining room table… down the hall outside the bathroom where the dirty clothing piles up… all the way to the bedroom that looks like 2 college, scratch that TEENS live. And I have no idea how 2 people make enough dirty dishes in one week to warrant the washer being run at least 3 times… and laundry UGH my gosh! It’s crazy!!! I’ve contemplated re-wearing underwear it drives me so nuts!

    I think your way of thinking is a good one – don’t sweat the small stuff – clean once a week if you can – do what you can when you can and if that doesn’t work, offer Zoe an allowance to help… that’s what my mom did [when she wasn’t yelling at me to pick up my D*AMN SHOES! her words not mine].

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