I Will See Your Boop And Raise You A Stache.

posted by on 03/29/2011 | 270 comments (leave one of your own)

Over the last few months, Troy has had a weird bump thing on his cheek, he refers to it as his “boop”, that just keeps getting bigger. Because of course he does. If there is one thing we know how to do around here, it is get the weirdest stuff ever and run with it. I’m convinced my children hold weekly meetings and probably draw up a chart where they take turns deciding who is going to go to the hospital/spike a fever/come down with something that requires a specialist and OMG, I bet Mom is totally going to need to refill the prescription for her mood stabilizer.

I found a pediatric dermatologist and after going to the school to inject Zoe with her lunch time insulin, I shuttled Troy to his appointment. He wasn’t too keen on the idea because he is convinced every time he goes to the doctor, they are going to draw blood. Not this time, buddy. They are just going to give you a shot directly into your face, cut your boop with a scapel and then squeeze it with an extractor. This is obviously way more fun than a blood draw, Troy.

The dermatologist informed me it was a cyst and probably wouldn’t need a biopsy. Before we started, the nurse mentioned that he would receive a numbing injection at the removal site and that Valium was available. I asked if the Valium was for myself or Troy and she totally gave me the judgey you-are-a-pill-chaser side eye. She sternly told me it would be for the patient. I sternly told her I was kidding.

And like I don’t have 12 zannys in my purse.

Mothering these two has taught me you should always be prepared because you just never know when you will be hyperventilating in the hospital at midnight in your pajamas.

As I was holding a Valium-less Troy down (I just think three is too young) and the nurse was coming towards his face with a syringe full of numbing solution, he took one look at that needle and screamed, “BUT I DON’T HAVE DIRE-BETES!”.

I made a mental note that if there is a next time, Troy and I should probably share a martini in the parking lot before the appointment.

The procedure went fine and the dermatologist was able to thoroughly remove the boop and he didn’t even need stitches, just a circle band-aid, which in my opinion is the coolest band-aid you can receive.

And speaking of face procedures, I am having laser hair removal on my upper lip later today. I spent all of this weekend googling “laser hair removal gone wrong” and reading horror stories and watching videos. Don’t do this. Ever.

Also, I have had to grow my moustache out for a month. A MONTH.  I’m sure the people that have had to look at me with their eyeballs recommend I don’t do this ever either.

I know it is going to hurt, the internet told me so.  If it is anything I can’t handle, I will just yell, “BUT I DON’T HAVE DIRE-BETES” and grab some circle band-aids on my way out.

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