House Of Cards
I had a large weight on my shoulders the first week of January, a feeling that something was coming, something big that was looming over us and not in a good way. I’m usually right about things like this and I have never wanted to be more wrong.
Troy had his follow up appointment with the hematologist to find out if he needed his bone marrow checked and that would be based solely on his blood count results from the last two months. I was dreading the appointment, I tried not to worry too much, but I couldn’t shake the grey cloud full of bad hanging over my head.
The hematologist made his way to us, clutching a single sheet of paper that charted Troy’s white blood count with every blood draw-except for one-well within the normal range. It was great news; he was diagnosed with acute neutropenia and I was advised to keep my eye on him and perhaps retest in a few months. I couldn’t help but feel like we won, like we dodged the grey cloud full of the nasty that could have altered our everything if that single sheet of paper would have contained numbers that weren’t the ones we had needed, needed since June. Troy and I practically ran out of the Children’s Hospital, stopping only to spend my hard earned cash on a stuffed wiener dog he saw in the gift shop window.
The following Monday it found us, the inevitable cloud.
Zoe’s school was canceled that day due to snow and she woke up with a low fever and complaining that her back hurt. I figured it was a bladder infection or perhaps a kidney infection, she probably got up eight or nine times the night before to use the bathroom. I gave her some ibuprofen and put her in my bed to let her rest. We didn’t go to Urgent Care right away, I needed to order her birthday dress online, I wanted to be sure it made it here by her family dinner on Saturday. I also wasn’t to keen on taking Troy with us, he’s a germ magnet and gets sick easily, I didn’t want to risk it. Zoe slept fitfully for a few hours and I reluctantly decided to load everyone up and make the trek to see the doctor.
We arrived around noon and after assessing her symptoms, they had her go into a cup so they could test her urine. She was absolutely miserable and can barely walk. A few minutes later, the doctor asks if he can speak to me in the hall and tells me that they notice something in her sample and he wants to now draw blood. Zoe doesn’t want them to, but Troy tells her not to worry, “it’s just a little poke”, I guess getting your blood drawn twice a week for two months qualifies you as a veteran. Ten minutes later, the doctor informs me that Zoe needs to see a specialist immediately, he’s already phoned ahead and they will be expecting us around 3:30 that afternoon. We are sent home and I know. I know it’s here.
Twenty minutes later as we are walking into the house, I hear the phone ringing. I answer and it is the specialist that we are supposed to see in a bit. I take the phone into the garage to speak with him, shutting the door behind me.
He tells me he has seen the fax of Zoe’s labs.
“I need to you to go straight to the ER, I’m certain it’s Type One Diabetes. Her blood sugar is almost 500, so we need to admit her as soon as possible, they are expecting you.”
I hung up the phone and stared at it, willing it to ring again and the doctor tell me it was a mistake. I walked back into the kitchen and stood silently at the sink and stared out into my backyard, like I always do. I could hear the TV in the living room where the kids were, watching a show collectively, like they always do. I turned to water on and began to do the dishes, the water was scalding hot, I never turned on the cold, I let it burn my hands and I didn’t notice. There was nothing that could hurt as much as the pain searing through my heart and bubbling at the back of my throat, nothing that could rival what I was about to tell my daughter and change the course of her life.
I went into the living room and sat down on the coffee table, facing her as she sat on the sofa. I told her that we had to go stay at the hospital, that she has diabetes. She looked at me with wide eyes and asked how long she would have it, if medicine would make it go away and I had to tell her no. As I held her and she cried into my shirt and I cried into her hair, I wondered if she would remember this moment, the tenth day of January, five days before she turned 10, the moment diabetes came to stay.
She was in the hospital for three days, my best girl was severely dehydrated and had lost almost twenty pounds. I couldn’t believe the number that was showing on the scale when she stepped on it, her collar bone jutting out of her hospital gown, she looked so thin. She was showing all the signs, I will never forgive myself for not catching it sooner. She was using the bathroom at night almost every hour on the hour, her little body trying so hard to find somewhere to put all the extra glucose she couldn’t break down. I know now that if you search online for those symptoms, Type One is the first thing to come up. I spent hours researching Troy’s neutropenia and his issues with his white blood count, I’m ashamed to say it never even crossed my mind to be worried about Zoe.
The second night we were in the hospital, after Jeff, Troy and Zoe’s dad had gone home and Zoe and I were ready for bed, I made the mistake of looking up articles on the computer. It was too much and it began to sink in, this had us by the balls. All I could think about was my girl and what might happen down the road. The whatifs were sinking in and coming down on me hard. I had to leave the room and as I stepped out into the hall, I wanted to run. I wanted to go back to a place where there was no diabetes, no thoughts of insulin and needles and finger checks. No child deserves this, especially my best girl.
I stood in front of the nurse’s station in my pajamas and had my very first panic attack.
A nurse walked with me and we sat together for some time on a bench near the entrance to the pediatric floor. She talked to me and brought me water, she told me how her daughter was sick and had been sick for ten years with a disorder to her nervous system. I asked her if she would tell Zoe that I went for a walk, I couldn’t go back to the room, I didn’t want her to see me that way.
I went down to the family lounge and it was empty. It was almost midnight, most families had gone home or were trying to sleep. I sat in the corner and sobbed. I could feel the anxiety in my chest, twisting and turning and not letting go as I struggled to breathe. I looked up and saw an older man walking towards me, he told me the nurse had called him just as he was turning up his driveway. He was a chaplain that works at the hospital and this wasn’t his floor, but the regular lady on call had taken the evening off due to illness. I admit I bristled when I heard he was a chaplain, I didn’t want to talk about God’s plan. He sat next to me and told me that his son also had diabetes and was diagnosed when he was very young, that’s why he drove back to the hospital to speak with me despite the fact that it was so very late. I asked if his son ever had any severe lows or had to be hospitalized when he was younger and he told me no, that it is a manageable condition. I asked how his son was doing today, he was almost my age, and the man told me a story of how his son was killed a few years ago in an auto accident. He told me he knew how I felt, that I needed to let people help me and our family and maybe one day, we can help someone else.
I will never forget that man and his words and how he threw me a much needed lifeline to pull me out of the deep, dark hole I had sunk into that evening. It still hurts, I wrote this post and deleted it several times over the last three weeks, but this is our new normal. I currently give Zoe four injections and check her glucose at least six times throughout the day. It is getting easier, she is feeling so much better with the insulin and she has almost gained all of her weight back. It doesn’t seem to phase Zoe, she has been so very resilient, not to mention so very brave. I think often about that man and his son, how he would probably give anything to have his son back, diabetes or no diabetes and I know we can do this, that we will make it.
So, that’s where we’ve been, where we are. Our little family has been rocked to its very core, but we are still us. I realize for the first time how so very delicate the structure is, the structure that can come crumbling down in an instant. We are still here slowly putting it all back together the best way we know how, but most importantly, we are still standing, standing in our house of cards.
Jade @ Tasting Grace
Oh my goodness. Oh honey, I’m so sorry you’re all going through this. My mom is Type II diabetic and I still remember the day she came home from the doctor with her diagnosis (I was 8.). Diabetes is a threat that looms over my head every day too. But Type I, for poor Zoe, I’m so sorry.
BUT.
But. It is not the end of the world. It IS manageable. And she is an amazing young woman and SO strong. I’m sure she will find a way to cope, so that it becomes a part of her life, but not DEFINES her life. She is more than that.
Sending ALL THE LOVE the interwebs will allow. And hugs too. Many many hugs.
Jess
Sending you and Zoe lots of hugs and love. My cousin has diabetes and has since she was very small. She is a year or so younger than Zoe and I would be happy to put you in touch with her parents if you would like. Diabetes sucks and hopefully we can find the cure and kick it’s ass sooner rather than later.
BIG HUGS.
Brooklyn Jen
Thinking about all of you W’s! My heart sank when I heard this news, but it is not the end. I promise you. Life may be different, but this is not the terrible sentence it once was. I know you’re getting awesome treatment, and second the insulin pump someone else discussed. There is a whole world of support for you guys. We love you. We love you, we love Troy, we love Zoe & We love Jeff. Let us help you when we can, and know that you have our strength and support when you need it.
xoxoxo
J
PS- if Jeff could take his shirt off a little more, we could love you more frequently.
Jennifer
I can’t even begin to tell you how very sorry I am for everything you have been through.
My daughter’s best friend’s little sister (who is about Zoe’s age) was diagnosed with diabetes this past summer. It was hard on the family, but they are managing and getting it under control. She is at school, playing with her friends and being a normal kid. The only thing that really upsets her is she can’t have Coke anymore.
I sincerely hope everything turns around for you all soon. If anyone deserves a break, it is you. Better times are ahead.
Ambry
My heart goes out to you all! Zoe is so brave – & you are too Momma. I’m so thankful that Troy’s results came back normal, & that now Zoe can get what she needs to stay healthy. I’m sure the bright side is much easier to see from out here, but I promise it’ll come to you too. So much love to your family , Z.
Sophia
I held my breath the entire time I read your post and I am beyond sorry for all that you and your family are going through right now. I can’t even imagine what you are feeling right now. Just know that Zoe is a kick ass kid and is going to fight through this. She is not going to let it slow her down! Please know my thoughts and prayer are with the Zdub family from a (very) icy NYC. xx
Avitable
Your poor baby girl. I’m glad that you guys figured it out and can get it under control, but that must have been so hard. I’m sorry, ZDub. xo
The Lil Bee
I know how hard this post was for you to write and despite the awful news inside, it’s beautiful. You needed to get that out in order to pick up the pieces and move on. I’ve been thinking of Zoe and Troy so much lately, but also you, and I know you all will be OK. That chaplain was there with you for a reason and one day, as he said, you’ll probably be there for someone else, telling them how you trudged through it as a family and all of you are stronger and happier for it.
As for the night before you got the news, please be kind to yourself. We do the best we can as moms and you know that not for one second would you have waited if you thought something was seriously wrong. Zoe and Troy will never have to wonder how much you love them because it’s all right here for them and the world to see. I’m sending you big hugs. Love, me
Michelle
Welcome to the moms-of-children-with-diabetes club. I joined Feb. 8, 1995, which we humbly refer to as D-Day (diagnosis day)when our 10 year old son was diagnosed. Your words brought back the feelings that I had and I wept again. I can still feel the boulder in my chest when I think about those first few weeks. Let me tell you that it gets better . . that feeling. Things have changed and are changing in the world of diabetes. We went from “no sugar!” to “counting carbs”, big needled finger sticks to almost painless arm sticks, insulin shots to an insulin pump. The future will get better still, I promise. My son is now 25 and about to become a daddy in a few weeks. Life is good. Not always fair, but good.
Don’t be too hard on yourself about not catching it sooner. My husband is a pediatrician and he missed the signs (he has been known to go into denial mode when one of our children is the patient). We didn’t figure it out until I noticed crystals in the toilet when I was cleaning.
Good luck to you and Zoe. Before you know it she will be taking charge of this monster . . . and she will win!
Kristin
I know this rocks your world, but in the big picture this is something she can LIVE with! And happily too. My neighbor is 13 and has. Had type1 fir 11 years. She dies everything with my dd, including swimming, trips, sleepiness etc. She wears a pump to administer the insulin which makes life 10000 times easier, it’s an adjustment and you will both soon be in command of it! You will rock at counting carbs and figuring out doses
Brenda
Z.
Wow. Not what I expected to read. I’m sorry to hear your news. I have a great niece who was diagnosed 2 years ago with Type 1 and my mom has Type 2. It was really hard at first but now both are dealing with what life has handed them and I know Zoe will too. I can tell she has a great family and you all will get through this shit storm together. Even Troy sounds like he has become stronger and braver after going through what life has delt him. Hang in there Zdub and don’t forget to take care of yourself too! I wish you brighter days ahead!(Ninja beats monster every time.)Hugs,
B.
Kristin
Duh sleePOvers, not sleepiness!
Lin
I’m sorry to hear about Zoe. My mom has the same type of Diabetes & it’s definitely a life changer but you cant let it get you down. I’m glad that you & your family are staying strong for her. My heart goes out to all of you
Mary
ZD,
I am so sorry to hear of what Zoe and you, and your family, are going through. I will keep you all in my prayers.
-Mary
Melony
Dear ZDub and Family,
Stay strong. You are an amazing little family and Zoey is a tough chic!! Hang in there as you find a new normal.
The Dever Tribe
Kristie
Oh, Zakary, I am so sorry to hear this about Zoe. What a $hitty deal. I can understand how you feel. 2010 was a hell of a year in our house too. In the spring we found out lil M. has a growth hormone deficiency. He’s 2 1/2 and still only weighs 18lbs. What he lacks in size, he makes up for in spunkiness. Then in October Mike had a heart attack. He’s the picture of health, no risk factors. The doctors are stumped. I worry every day that it could happen again. Then, in November I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. Life is so short and so precious, you never know what is going to happen from one day to the next. There’s a story about a Chinese farmer whose stallion ran off one day. All the villagers gathered around saying, “very bad luck”. The farmer replies, “bad luck, good luck, who knows”? A few days later the stallion returns with a whole herd of wild horses. The villagers gathered and said, “very good luck”! The farmer says, “good luck, bad luck, who knows”. A week later the farmer’s son was trying to break one of the wild horses. He got thrown off and broke his leg. The neighbors gathered and said, “very bad luck”! The farmer again says, “bad luck, good luck, who knows”. Several weeks later the Chinese army came marching into the village looking for able-bodied young men to join the army and fight. When they came to the farmer’s house they saw that his son had a broken leg and left him alone, moving on. “Very good luck!” said the neighbors. “Good luck, bad luck, who knows?” That’s the end of the story, but as you can see it could go on and on. My point is that I think about that story when something happens in life causing me to think I got the short end of the stick. I really think that we’re not given more than we can’t handle and you are a very strong person and you’ll be strong for Zoe. We always find out that we’re stronger than we thought we were when life throws us a curve ball. Sending good thoughts your way. Take care, You.
Jessica
This brought tears to my eyes. I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you guys, but it’s amazing how God can put just the right person in our lives when we most need it.
Stay strong, and continue to be positive. Tossing you guys on my prayer list.
Chris
Thanks so much for sharing your vulnerability and your pain. Your strength and bravery (Zoe’s, yours, everyone’s) is an inspiration. Sending you all my love…
merlin513
Heyla sweetie, happy to see you finally posted and are receiving the outpourings of love and affection and prayers from all your on-line cyber family. As I told you, my cousin was diagnosed with Juvenile Onset Type 1 diabetes 6 years ago…what I didn’t tell you was that they found out when he went into a coma & that he was hospitalized for a month before they got everything lined out and he woke back up. He’s now a happy, healthy, beautiful 17 year old that I cheerfully want to throttle on a fairly steady basis. I’m sure that the doctors have also told you that they will want to test Troy also as he gets older. They’ve tested Ethan’s sister & younger brother twice a year for 6 years now, and while his sister has thrown off false positives several times, so far they’ve tested clear. Love you! Love Zoe, Love Troy and I guess Jeff by default too. ^_^ YOU WILL TRIUMPH over this I promise!
jedwardswright
So sorry for what you and Zoe are going through. There is nothing like that horrible feeling in your gut when something is wrong with your child. Thank goodness it was something that is treatable. The chaplain was right. You are already encouraging others my sharing your story.
It is incredible to me that you ended up posting this news today, February 2. Seven years ago today, my son, who had cystic fibrosis, died at 21 years old. I remember the trauma of hearing that my perfect little baby had an illness that would, barring a miracle, take him from us someday.
My son was an amazing person who had a compassionate heart. He made others laugh every day, up to his last night on earth. We would all spare our children from any suffering, but adversity contributed to his uncanny maturity and caring ways. Your Zoe will be a stronger, more understanding person for this experience, you’ll see. And so will you.
It is going to be okay.
Elaine
Oh honey, my heart is so heavy for you right now. I’m not sure what to say because I don’t really know that much about the illness but I do want you to know that I’m thinking of you as you deal with all of this. I’m so sorry for Zoe to have to live with that but it sounds like you are all adjusting to the new “norm”. Wishing I could give you a HUGE, in person hug. Much love my friend…
Cara
Hey Z,
I’m so sorry to hear about Zoe. My niece and a close coworker of mine have type 1. My niece is younger, has a pump, but doesn’t manage it perfectly (sometimes she thinks because she has the pump she can eat more sweets…not!) My coworker has had it since childhood. He’s now in his 30s, with 3 kids doing great. He has a pump too. Most of the time, if you’re nice to the diabetes and manage it properly, it’s nice back to you. You are a strong woman, and so is Zoe. Many prayers for your family! *hugs*
Cara
Amanda
Sorry it’s taken me so long to comment. I wanted 2 free hands and an actual computer and not a phone to do it.
You know how much we love you and your family. And you know that I have always been Zoe’s number one fan. Even across all interweb space, I can sense Zoe’s maturity, awesomeness and smarts. I hate hate hate that this is happening to her and all of you. And I really don’t want to say “stuff like this happens for a reason” because that’s bullshit. No kid should have to deal with anything like this and no mom should have to watch. However, I will say this. If I was suffering from diabetes, and especially if I were a kid, I would love to meet Zoe. Because I know that Zoe is going to take this and do good things with this. She’s going to help other kids, she’s going to raise money to help kids who can’t afford medicine and maybe some day she’ll make a bigger difference than we can imagine.
My Zoe doesn’t deserve this. She doesn’t even deserve a cold. But there’s a lot of sick people out there who need a Zoe. And I think she’s going to change lives.
Loves to you Zoe. Loves to you mom and family.
xoxo
MODG family.
kimberly
I am so amazed by you and your family- I wish you all good things
Teisha
So sorry to hear this ZDub. Zoe is in good hands with you, though. Don’t beat yourself up that you didn’t catch it right away, mom’s are pulled in so many different directions at all times of the day it’s impossible to keep up with it all. Hugs to you and family!
Mo
She will be okay, because she is strong, and has a strong mom.
YOU will be okay for the same reasons.
*hugs to you and your family*
Snuzi
Dang girl. That sucks real bad. I am so so sorry.
Lillie
I’m so sorry for your family. It IS really tough to deal with in the beginning, but it really is incredibly manageable. One of my best friends here at college has Type 1 and she’s on one of the dance teams, in addition to everything else. She’s danced her entire life, and had only had a few MAJOR episodes.
Don’t beat yourself up – most people never catch symptoms until after the fact. I’ll keep your family in my prayers, but you are such a strong woman, I know everything will be ok.
Jenny DB
That must be so hard. I’m glad you were able to find some comfort with the chaplain … a little perspective always helps. But that doesn’t change what a huge adjustment this will be and how sometimes it just doesn’t seem FAIR. My thoughts are with you and Zoe and Troy.
Sarah vL
Sent here by word of MODG/Amanda, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. You, your wonderful daughter Zoe, and your family are loved and prayed for (meditated about, whatever), from afar, and are in my heart. If you ever need anything, please do not hesitate to reach out. If you are a friend of hers, you are family to us as well. Thinking of you all with deep love and care.
Beckles
Modg said you need support, so here I am. I had a friend and neighbor that had diabetes. We walked to the bus stop together. I’d get to her house every morning and she’d be checking her sugar, taking her insulin, or eating a peanut butter and fudge sandwich. It’s her way of life. From what I can remember she didn’t have many bad days (she moved eventually and we lost touch in high school). But through the magic that is facebook, I know that she’s married now and she hasn’t let it stand in her way. My thoughts are with you and your family.
abby
ZDub,
I am so sorry to hear what you and your precious Zoe have been going thru. But from reading your blog for the past year or so I know you & Zoe can come thru this because you are both awesome. I am not a mom (yet) and hope to be as great as you are when it is my time! Just know lots of readers are touched and thinking of you all during this time.
Blog Love to you all.
Jules
You are so strong. (And not that it is important right now, but an amazing writer.) So glad to hear she is getting better. I love that your son helped her through the needle part!
Wishing you all the warmth thoughts possible!
sherry
Just by chance stumbled upon your blog and read this entry. It will be 3 years ago this June that my daughter was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. It was just two months past her second birthday. My heart broke a million times that first year.
She will be five this March. She is thriving. She is amazing.
All the best to you and your family.
Jessica B
Oh no…
I’m so sorry that your Zoe has to go through this! She sounds like such a strong, smart, positive little girl. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of your family…
Keep fighting!
MommaRa
Thinking of you guys as you climb this mountain. I have no doubt you will do it together and look back and call it just a rock someday.
agirlandaboy
You’ll get through this because you’re her mom and that’s what moms do. We’ll be thinking of you.
lawr
Zdub, I’ve been reading your hi-goddamn-larious blog for a while now, but never commented (sorry!) After reading this post, I just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you and your fam. I have two sisters-in-law (my husband’s sister and my brother’s wife) who were diagnosed with JD when they were very little (4 and 6) and they are both well into their 30s and doing great, with kids and wine and everything. Just wanted to add to all the support and reinforce that this is manageable, and Zoe will have an awesome life. How could she not, with a kickass mom like you?? If you wouldn’t mind, we would love to name our team after Zoe in the JDRF walk this year. Much love, lady!
Andrea Howe
I am so sorry that this has come into your families life. It is a terrible disease that no child should have to deal with, but it is manageable. My good friend’s daughter was diagnosed last year when she was 4 and it was a devastating diagnosis for them…at first. But once the shock and dread wore off, they were able to do research and start learning to live with it. They have organized 2 amazing fund raising walks for JDRF and I’m proud to have been a part of those walks…they are hopeful for a cure someday, but in the mean time, there is ever advancing technology with pumps so that she can hopefully have as normal a life as possible. Thanks for sharing. My thoughts are with you guys.
Erin
Oh Zak. I am crying for you because I know that pain, the pain of not noticing that something is wrong with your child until it hits you in the face. But I know that it’s not your fault and I know that you’ll do this. I know you’ll carry the chaplain’s words with you and find strength…and when you don’t feel very strong, you know we’re all here to lift you.
Sara
I have been following your blog for a while, but never commented until now. I want to say something now, because I know very well what your family is going through.
When my sister was 14 she was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. I was only 11, but I remember very well what a shock it was to our family. My sister was always healthy, we had no family history of diabetes… It just happened completely out of the blue. That is what makes Type 1 diabetes so very evil. There is no cause and you get no answers.
My sister is now 26 years old and her diabetes is under control, although of course she needs to adhere to a strict lifestyle. I won’t lie to you: it is very difficult for her. The past years, especially as she was going through puberty, it was very hard for her and our whole family was affected by it. A lot of the time everything revolves around diabetes. My sister especially has a hard time with acceptance. Even after all these years she still can’t accept that she has this disease. And how could she? It’s just not fair.
Please try to remember that this is not your fault, it is nobody’s fault. You should not feel guilty. It is life being unfair. For now I think it is very important that Zoe and you and your family try to accept that this has happened. I know you probably feel angry or guilty, but now it is here and you need to fight against it.
The research for a cure of Type 1 diabetes is in full force and they are definitely making progress. We, and with us many families all over the world, can do nothing but hope it comes fast, and I really believe it will.
Zoe is young and it is not fair that this is happening to her, but on the other hand being young also means that she can more easily adapt to changes. And yes, it is very difficult for my sister on a daily basis, but she is now a vibrant, very active young woman with a top notch degree, great relationship and great career… She is doing very well and is happy and I’m sure Zoe is going to be awesome as well!
You guys are such a great family and you will make it through and manage this evil diabetes. Stay strong!
Much love and support to all of you! xxx
Demi
I am so sorry and I know there is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better. your daughter is such a tough girl, soon to be woman, and I know she is going to push through this stronger than ever. my dad is 64 and has had diabetes all his life, and he looks like a spanish version of the late jack lalanne. not that it makes it any easier to deal with as a mother. your family is in my prayers whether you like it or not-and I know God’s got this. ((hugs from South carolina))
Adventures In Babywearing
Ok, I am finally at my computer and wanted to say that I wish I could make this all better, and I think I am just going to send you an email because I want to say so much. I hope you’re feeling peace in your heart this morning.
Love to you
Steph
BusyDad
I’m sure there have been nothing but encouraging words in all the 93 comments before mine. I can’t muster up anything that you haven’t heard before, so all I’m gonna do is give you and your family all the love I can transmit through these internets. This is a tough time, but I know you guys are dealing with it with strength, bravery and your love for each other. If there IS anything I can do, however, you have the super secret Asian hotline, my friend!
Laura aka LaLaGirl
Huge hugs to you. My niece, who is around the same age as your daughter, also has diabetes. It was diagnosed when she was quite a bit younger, though. It did have a devastating impact on her mom, and I think that’s normal – I think it’s a grieving process you have to go through when you get a diagnosis like this. When my son was diagnosed with autism, it was almost like grieving a death. Nowadays, it’s just normal life, and it’s not a sad or pitiful life, it’s a happy, joyful one. And my niece is healthy and happy, and her condition is manageable. I’d love to put you in touch with her mom if you’re interested. She has a FB page here: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Olivias-Find-A-Cure-For-Juvenile-Diabetes/110821202272992?v=wall
Good luck to you – I hope your heart is starting to heal.
Aimee
I agree with Laura about the grieving process. When I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis, the doctor gave me pamphlets about grief and told me I’d go through the stages. I thought she was nuts. It didn’t happen for me right away..but a few months after the diagnosis, I started going through a grieving process. If that happens to you, just remember that it’s normal and keep on trucking!
Angi
I am so sad for your family for this streak of ick. Super ick. But, in a grasping for a silver lining kind of way, I am happy for your daughter that she has you to help get her through. And she will get through this because her support system is awesome.
And she has hundreds of people in the blogging community aiming their positive thoughts right at her.
Melissa Hourigan
Just came across your blog as it was mentioned by someone on twitter. Of course this post was the first thing I read and it broke my heart. I am so sorry to hear about this painful news you received.
Warm thoughts your way.
Heather@MamaSass
I’m not even quite sure what to say…but I will say this: you are a strong, amazing mama and Zoe takes after you. So, you will not let diabetes define you. You will show it who’s boss.
Big hugs to your family!
Nancy
I can completely understand what you are going through right now. My daughter was diagnosed in 2007. I wish there was something I could say that would take your pain away…but there just isn’t. Only time can help to heal your thoughts of inadequacy as a parent…yes I know! I felt the same way. I couldn’t protect my daughter from harm this time, this time it was not up to me. My daughters blood sugar was 783 and she had also lost 20 lbs. as your daughter had…and there was nothing – I – could – do.
It wasn’t until last year that I could go into her double kitchen cupboard full of items needed to keep my daughter alive, that I could just grab what I needed without tearing up. I will always remember the one day that I went into that cupboard (just for a new lancet) and completely lost it. I cried uncontrollably for what seemed like forever. I was sooo angry! Why Lord?! Why not me?! After that, everything has become much easier. I guess I had to just come to terms with the fact that I wasn’t going to be allowed to take my daughters disease away. Now I just pray for a cure instead.
If there is anything maybe I can help you with…answers to questions, advice, an ear! I’m here. You will never be alone in this disease, there are 15,000 children diagnosed ever year with type 1 diabetes…we are here.
I am Jodie M.’s friend, if you would like to get ahold of me. I will be praying for you and your family. It WILL get easier, just hang in there.
Xxxx Nancy
megan
thanks for the honesty. i wasn’t expecting to cry when i typed in your blog today. normally you’ll hear a few belly laughs coming from this room, today it was tears. i’m so very sorry for the crushing news about your girl, i can’t imagine. but you’re so right-our worlds get rocked sometimes but we are still right here, family in tact, everybody where they should be. we should be so very thankful.