House Of Cards

posted by on 02/01/2011 | 10,309 comments (leave one of your own)

I had a large weight on my shoulders the first week of January, a feeling that something was coming, something big that was looming over us and not in a good way. I’m usually right about things like this and I have never wanted to be more wrong.

Troy had his follow up appointment with the hematologist to find out if he needed his bone marrow checked and that would be based solely on his blood count results from the last two months.  I was dreading the appointment, I tried not to worry too much, but I couldn’t shake the grey cloud full of bad hanging over my head.

The hematologist made his way to us, clutching a single sheet of paper that charted Troy’s white blood count with every blood draw-except for one-well within the normal range.  It was great news; he was diagnosed with acute neutropenia and I was advised to keep my eye on him and perhaps retest in a few months.  I couldn’t help but feel like we won, like we dodged the grey cloud full of the nasty that could have altered our everything if that single sheet of paper would have contained numbers that weren’t the ones we had needed, needed since June. Troy and I practically ran out of the Children’s Hospital, stopping only to spend my hard earned cash on a stuffed wiener dog he saw in the gift shop window.

The following Monday it found us, the inevitable cloud.

Zoe’s school was canceled that day due to snow and she woke up with a low fever and complaining that her back hurt.  I figured it was a bladder infection or perhaps a kidney infection, she probably got up eight or nine times the night before to use the bathroom.  I gave her some ibuprofen and put her in my bed to let her rest.  We didn’t go to Urgent Care right away, I needed to order her birthday dress online, I wanted to be sure it made it here by her family dinner on Saturday.  I also wasn’t to keen on taking Troy with us, he’s a germ magnet and gets sick easily, I didn’t want to risk it. Zoe slept fitfully for a few hours and I reluctantly decided to load everyone up and make the trek to see the doctor.

We arrived around noon and after assessing her symptoms, they had her go into a cup so they could test her urine.  She was absolutely miserable and can barely walk.  A few minutes later, the doctor asks if he can speak to me in the hall and tells me that they notice something in her sample and he wants to now draw blood.  Zoe doesn’t want them to, but Troy tells her not to worry, “it’s just a little poke”, I guess getting your blood drawn twice a week for two months qualifies you as a veteran.  Ten minutes later, the doctor informs me that Zoe needs to see a specialist immediately, he’s already phoned ahead and they will be expecting us around 3:30 that afternoon. We are sent home and I know. I know it’s here.

Twenty minutes later as we are walking into the house, I hear the phone ringing. I answer and it is the specialist that we are supposed to see in a bit. I take the phone into the garage to speak with him, shutting the door behind me.

He tells me he has seen the fax of Zoe’s labs.

“I need to you to go straight to the ER, I’m certain it’s Type One Diabetes.  Her blood sugar is almost 500, so we need to admit her as soon as possible, they are expecting you.”

I hung up the phone and stared at it, willing it to ring again and the doctor tell me it was a mistake.  I walked back into the kitchen and stood silently at the sink and stared out into my backyard, like I always do.  I could hear the TV in the living room where the kids were, watching a show collectively, like they always do.  I turned to water on and began to do the dishes, the water was scalding hot, I never turned on the cold, I let it burn my hands and I didn’t notice. There was nothing that could hurt as much as the pain searing through my heart and bubbling at the back of my throat, nothing that could rival what I was about to tell my daughter and change the course of her life.

I went into the living room and sat down on the coffee table, facing her as she sat on the sofa.  I told her that we had to go stay at the hospital, that she has diabetes.  She looked at me with wide eyes and asked how long she would have it, if medicine would make it go away and I had to tell her no.  As I held her and she cried into my shirt and I cried into her hair, I wondered if she would remember this moment, the tenth day of January, five days before she turned 10, the moment diabetes came to stay.

She was in the hospital for three days, my best girl was severely dehydrated and had lost almost twenty pounds.  I couldn’t believe the number that was showing on the scale when she stepped on it, her collar bone jutting out of her hospital gown, she looked so thin.  She was showing all the signs, I will never forgive myself for not catching it sooner.  She was using the bathroom at night almost every hour on the hour, her little body trying so hard to find somewhere to put all the extra glucose she couldn’t break down.  I know now that if you search online for those symptoms, Type One is the first thing to come up.  I spent hours researching Troy’s neutropenia and his issues with his white blood count, I’m ashamed to say it never even crossed my mind to be worried about Zoe.

The second night we were in the hospital, after Jeff, Troy and Zoe’s dad had gone home and Zoe and I were ready for bed, I made the mistake of looking up articles on the computer.  It was too much and it began to sink in, this had us by the balls.  All I could think about was my girl and what might happen down the road.  The whatifs were sinking in and coming down on me hard.  I had to leave the room and as I stepped out into the hall, I wanted to run.  I wanted to go back to a place where there was no diabetes, no thoughts of insulin and needles and finger checks.  No child deserves this, especially my best girl.

I stood in front of the nurse’s station in my pajamas and had my very first panic attack.

A nurse walked with me and we sat together for some time on a bench near the entrance to the pediatric floor.  She talked to me and brought me water, she told me how her daughter was sick and had been sick for ten years with a disorder to her nervous system.  I asked her if she would tell Zoe that I went for a walk, I couldn’t go back to the room, I didn’t want her to see me that way.

I went down to the family lounge and it was empty.  It was almost midnight, most families had gone home or were trying to sleep.  I sat in the corner and sobbed.  I could feel the anxiety in my chest, twisting and turning and not letting go as I struggled to breathe.  I looked up and saw an older man walking towards me, he told me the nurse had called him just as he was turning up his driveway.  He was a chaplain that works at the hospital and this wasn’t his floor, but the regular lady on call had taken the evening off due to illness.  I admit I bristled when I heard he was a chaplain, I didn’t want to talk about God’s plan.  He sat next to me and told me that his son also had diabetes and was diagnosed when he was very young, that’s why he drove back to the hospital to speak with me despite the fact that it was so very late.  I asked if his son ever had any severe lows or had to be hospitalized when he was younger and he told me no, that it is a manageable condition.  I asked how his son was doing today, he was almost my age, and the man told me a story of how his son was killed a few years ago in an auto accident.  He told me he knew how I felt, that I needed to let people help me and our family and maybe one day, we can help someone else.

I will never forget that man and his words and how he threw me a much needed lifeline to pull me out of the deep, dark hole I had sunk into that evening.  It still hurts, I wrote this post and deleted it several times over the last three weeks, but this is our new normal.  I currently give Zoe four injections and check her glucose at least six times throughout the day.  It is getting easier, she is feeling so much better with the insulin and she has almost gained all of her weight back.  It doesn’t seem to phase Zoe, she has been so very resilient, not to mention so very brave.  I think often about that man and his son, how he would probably give anything to have his son back, diabetes or no diabetes and I know we can do this, that we will make it.

So, that’s where we’ve been, where we are.  Our little family has been rocked to its very core, but we are still us.  I realize for the first time how so very delicate the structure is, the structure that can come crumbling down in an instant.  We are still here slowly putting it all back together the best way we know how, but most importantly, we are still standing, standing in our house of cards.

    Comments
  • togel malaysia


    Have you ever considered writing an e-book or guest authoring
    on other websites? I have a blog centered on the same information you discuss and would love to have you share some
    stories/information. I know my viewers would enjoy
    your work. If you are even remotely interested, feel free to send me an e
    mail.

  • David Baron


    Way cool! Some extremely valid points! I appreciate you writing this article plus the rest of the website is extremely
    good.

  • Dennis Lucas


    Hi, I read your new stuff on a regular basis. Your story-telling style
    is witty, keep up the good work!

  • Judy Winter


    Still we ask you to go forward and try all the opposite and bullshit
    Hack tools obtainable on the internet and if you fail and really feel like a loser
    only then come to our site to attempt our Best ‘Pokemon Duel Hack’
    Cheats No Survey Pirater Télécharger.

  • canadian pharmacies shipping to usa


    mail order prescription drugs from canada

  • 먹튀검증


    Amazing. If you’re so good the fact that you’re so good at the moment. Your help woke me up. Thank you incredibly much.

  • cialis 20 mg best price


    https://www.tadalafilrembo.com/ cialis pill price

  • EvaHat


    [url=http://cialisbr.com/]cialis brand 20mg[/url]

  • jordan retro


    I precisely wished to thank you very much once again. I’m not certain the things I might have accomplished without the type of tips and hints shared by you concerning such a theme. Completely was an absolute intimidating scenario in my opinion, nevertheless being able to view a professional avenue you resolved it made me to jump with delight. Extremely thankful for the information and in addition pray you realize what an amazing job you have been getting into educating other individuals with the aid of your webpage. More than likely you haven’t come across any of us.

  • jordan shoes


    I’m just commenting to let you understand of the extraordinary experience my cousin’s child found browsing your site. She figured out many pieces, not to mention how it is like to possess a marvelous giving mindset to have men and women with no trouble understand certain complicated subject matter. You really exceeded our own expectations. Thanks for presenting these precious, safe, informative and also cool thoughts on this topic to Lizeth.

  • Patricia Guffey


    Ahaa, its fastidious conversation concerning this paragraph here at this webpage, I have read all
    that, so now me also commenting here.

  • 먹튀검증업체


    Your site is great as when it were written simply by a writer. I am going to pay a visit to your blog frequently. Thanks always.

  • KennethNah


    [url=https://erectionclub.us]buy cheap viagra online in canada[/url]
    canadian viagra 100mg
    [url=https://erectionclub.us]viagra 25 mg comprar[/url]

  • KennethNah


    [url=https://erectionclub.us]cheapest generic viagra australia[/url]
    sister and brother handjob viagra
    [url=https://erectionclub.us]buy cialis over the counter uk[/url]

  • StevenReove


    all free dating
    [url=”http://freedatingsitesus.com/?”]free local dating sites [/url]

  • Liliana Cyphert


    I’ll right away snatch your rss as I can’t in finding your e-mail
    subscription hyperlink or newsletter service. Do you’ve any?
    Please permit me realize so that I may subscribe.
    Thanks.

  • vidalista and bph indication


    vidalista and bph indication http://viidalista.co/

  • KennethNah


    [url=https://erectionclub.us]cialis 50mg price[/url]
    prices order online cialis amazing
    [url=https://erectionclub.us]generic viagra online us pharmacy[/url]

  • KennethNah


    [url=https://erectionclub.us]where to buy cialis in usa[/url]
    cialis online drugstore
    [url=https://erectionclub.us]cialis for sale india[/url]

  • Marlon Boney


    It is the best time to make some plans for the
    future and it’s time to be happy. I have read this post and if I could
    I want to suggest you few interesting things or tips. Perhaps you
    can write next articles referring to this article.
    I desire to read more things about it!

  • https://viperthedon.tumblr.com/


    We stumbled over here different web page and thought I might as
    well check things out. I like what I see so i am just following you.
    Look forward to looking over your web page repeatedly.

  • JackHat


    [url=http://viagrabtc.com/]best price for viagra[/url] [url=http://cialisprem.com/]price of cialis[/url] [url=http://hereviagra.com/]sildenafil over the counter usa[/url] [url=http://crspharmacy.com/]online pharmacy birth control pills[/url] [url=http://viagraztab.com/]sildenafil 100mg online[/url] [url=http://tlstabs.com/]metformin buy online india[/url]

  • KennethNah


    [url=https://erectionclub.us]buy cialis price[/url]
    viagra cheap online uk
    [url=https://erectionclub.us]roman viagra south africa[/url]

  • Dino Simonin


    Sometimes when you are first looking out, Technology can truly feel irritating, but do not allow that quit you. Although there is not any magic formula that will certainly permit you to reach every objective by just waving your magic stick, if you put in the work as well as apply some standard and basic principles all your goals will certainly be obtainable. You have actually also got a excellent quantity of sources that can assist you as well as a superb place to start is with Our Technology Site. You can furthermore find help by checking out Our Technology Site.

  • Richard Vincent


    I’ve been browsing online more than 4 hours today, yet I never found any interesting article
    like yours. It’s pretty worth enough for me. In my opinion, if all web owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the
    web will be much more useful than ever before.

  • canadian online pharmacy reviews


    online pharmacies legitimate

  • Charles Kavanagh


    I have been browsing online greater than three hours as of late, yet I never found any fascinating article like yours.

    It’s lovely price sufficient for me. Personally, if all website owners and bloggers made good content material
    as you did, the net might be a lot more useful than ever before.

  • amoxicillin cost without insurance cvs


    Good post. I learn something totally new and challenging on websites
    I stumbleupon everyday. It’s always helpful to read articles
    from other authors and use a little something
    from their websites. http://antiibioticsland.com/Augmentin.htm

  • amoxicillin cost without insurance cvs


    Good post. I learn something totally new and challenging on websites I stumbleupon everyday.
    It’s always helpful to read articles from other authors and use a
    little something from their websites. http://antiibioticsland.com/Augmentin.htm

  • reputable online pharmacy


    online pharmacies legitimate

  • Keith Demaso


    I have been browsing online more than three hours today, yet I never found any interesting article
    like yours. It’s pretty worth enough for me. In my opinion, if
    all site owners and bloggers made good content as you did, the internet will
    be a lot more useful than ever before.

  • reputable canadian pharmacy


    canadian pharmacies mail order

  • 성인용품


    Oh my goodness! Impressive article dude! Many thanks,
    However I am encountering difficulties with your RSS.

    I don’t understand why I can’t join it. Is there anyone else having identical RSS
    issues? Anybody who knows the answer will
    you kindly respond? Thanx!!

  • Loretta Nettles


    Hello! Someone in my Facebook group shared
    this website with us so I came to give it a look.
    I’m definitely loving the information. I’m
    bookmarking and will be tweeting this to my followers!

    Exceptional blog and excellent design and style.

  • Dianna Pizzo


    Thanks a lot for sharing this with all people you really know what you’re talking about! Bookmarked. Please also discuss with my website =). We can have a hyperlink trade arrangement among us!

  • Tammy Holton


    Ahaa, its pleasant discussion concerning this paragraph here at this
    blog, I have read all that, so now me also commenting
    here.

  • KennethNah


    [url=https://erectionclub.us]otc sildenafil cvs[/url]
    generic viagra for daily use
    [url=https://erectionclub.us]sildenafil 25 mg india[/url]

  • status of hydroxychloroquine trials


    Hi, i feel that i noticed you visited my website so i got
    here to go back the choose?.I am attempting to to find things to improve my site!I assume its adequate to make use of a few of
    your ideas!! https://hydroxychloroquineb.buszcentrum.com/

  • status of hydroxychloroquine trials


    Hi, i feel that i noticed you visited my website so i got here to go back the choose?.I am attempting to to find things to improve
    my site!I assume its adequate to make use of a few
    of your ideas!! https://hydroxychloroquineb.buszcentrum.com/

  • Elton Hudson


    Ahaa, its fastidious discussion about this paragraph here at this weblog, I have read all that, so at
    this time me also commenting here.

  • Richard Mathis


    I am only commenting to inform you of the amazing experience our girl
    encountered reading the blog. She noticed many pieces, which included
    how it is like to possess an amazing giving nature to get certain individuals really easily learn certain multifaceted things.
    You definitely exceeded visitors’ desires. I appreciate you for rendering the important, healthy, educational as well as easy tips regarding the topic.

  • SEO


    ลูกค้าบางส่วนที่เลือกใช้บริการกับเรา

    เรามุ่งนำเสนอการบริการให้กับกลุ่มลูกค้าที่หลากหลาย เริ่มจากกลุ่มลูกค้าสตาร์ทอัพขนาดเล็กไปจนถึงธุรกิจขนาดใหญ่ หัวใจสำคัญของเราคือการนำผลประโยชน์ในด้านเชิงพาณิชย์มาสู่ธุรกิจของคุณ โดยการดำเนินผ่านเว็บไซต์ที่สวยงามกับฟังชั่นที่เพรียบพร้อม

    รับกลยุทธ์การตลาดดิจิทัลที่ผ่านการพิสูจน์แล้ว
    จากทีมผู้เชี่ยวชาญของเราสู่การเพิ่มรายได้จากฝั่งออนไลน์ของคุณ

    แอดมินดูแลเพจ เว็บไซต์ และร้านค้าออนไลน์

    เยส เว็บ ดีไซน์ สตูดิโอ เป็นบริษัทที่รับออกแบบเว็บไซต์ ที่เชี่ยวชาญในการออกแบบเว็บไซต์และพัฒนาเว็บไซต์ให้กับลูกค้าที่ขอนแก่น เราคือบริษัททำเว็บไซต์หนึ่งเดียวในขอนแก่น ที่มีการออกแบบที่โดดเด่นไม่เหมือนใคร

    ด้วยประสบการณ์อย่างยาวนานในด้านการสร้างเว็บไซต์และพัฒนาเว็บไซต์ของเราเว็บไซต์ที่ตอบโจทย์และมีประสิทธิภาพในการใช้งาน

    You are utilizing a browser that isn’t supported by Fb, so we’ve
    redirected you to a less complicated Model to supply you with the very best
    experience.

    กับวิธีรับมือที่จะช่วยให้โฆษณายังคงมีประสิทธิภาพสูงสุด รักเราให้เหมือนที่เรารักคุณ ติดตามเราได้เลย!

    กลยุทธ์เพื่อสร้างความได้เปรียบในตลาด

    It appears like you were being misusing this characteristic by likely much too quickly.
    You’ve been briefly blocked from applying it.

    เยส เว็บ ดีไซน์ สตูดิโอ บริษัทรับออกแบบเว็บไซต์ขอนแก่น รับทำเว็บขอนแก่น

    สิ่งที่จะได้รับเมื่อใช้บริการกับเรา

    บริการออกแบบเว็บไซต์ด้วยดีไซน์ชั้นนำของจังหวัดขอนแก่น

    ในฐานะการเป็นผู้นำทางด้านออกแบบ เราตั้งใจและหาวิธีทำให้ธุรกิจของคุณเป็นที่รู้จักกับลูกค้าและตรงต่อความต้องการ
    ต่อยอดธุรกิจ ขยายช่องทางการขาย และสร้างการรับรู้บนโลกออนไลน์

    ยกระดับธุรกิจของคุณกับผลลัพธ์ที่น่าพอใจ

    ให้เว็บไซต์ ไต่อันดับสูงขึ้น และมีคนเข้าเยอะกว่าเดิม

    You’re employing a browser that isn’t supported by Facebook, so we’ve redirected you to definitely an easier Variation to
    give you the best encounter.

  • dewapoker


    Since the admin of this web site is working,
    no uncertainty very soon it will be famous, due to its feature contents.

  • KennethNah


    [url=https://erectionclub.us]cialis 20mg price walmart[/url]
    buy real viagra online south africa
    [url=https://erectionclub.us]best way to buy cialis online[/url]

  • Meredith Bowling


    It is the best time to make some plans for the long run and it’s time to be happy.
    I have learn this post and if I could I desire to suggest you few fascinating issues or advice.

    Maybe you can write next articles referring to this article.
    I desire to learn even more things approximately it!

  • drogen


    Wow, this paragraph is nice, my younger sister is analyzing these things, therefore I am going to let know her.

  • KennethNah


    [url=https://erectionclub.us]acheter femalle cialis[/url]
    order viagra 50mg
    [url=https://erectionclub.us]sildenafil from mexico[/url]

  • Fernando Wilson


    Wow, this post is fastidious, my younger sister is analyzing these kinds of things, thus I am going to let know her.

  • KennethNah


    [url=https://erectionclub.us]order sildenafil from india[/url]
    online sildenafil canada
    [url=https://erectionclub.us]sildenafilo india comprar[/url]

  • Thelma Weston


    Woah! I’m really loving the template/theme of this website.
    It’s simple, yet effective. A lot of times it’s tough to
    get that “perfect balance” between superb usability and visual appeal.
    I must say that you’ve done a amazing job with this. Additionally, the blog loads super fast for me on Safari.
    Superb Blog!

    leave a comment
    Your email is never shared.
    Required fields are marked *