Drinking Butterflies And Buzzing Bees.

posted by on 12/09/2010 | 90 comments (leave one of your own)

Over the last week, I’ve received emails and messages that followed along the same theme: “Where are you?” I don’t think I’ve ever excused myself from this space for so long without an explanation, but sometimes, whether it’s here or my actual reality, things are just too hard to share. I worry it won’t come out right and I know that allowing it to tumble out into the universe, through typing or speaking, makes it real.

When he had his trouble in June, it was discovered Troy had an extremely low white blood count. He was diagnosed with neutropenia and he is now under the care of a children’s hematologist that we see when we get off an elevator and step onto the seventh floor, for seven is the cancer and blood disorder floor.  Troy is currently getting his blood drawn and evaluated twice a week for the next six weeks, a serial complete blood count, or as they like to say, he goes to “give the butterfly a drink”.


Last Wednesday, while tucked into our bed between us, he had a seizure.  When it was over and Jeff scooped him up, he had lost consciousness.  I ran for the phone, the panicked buzzing of one thousand bumble bees filled my ears silenced only by my own high pitched, hysterical screaming.  As Jeff laid Troy on the carpet in the living room, his mouth blue and his face was oh so white and gray, I thought he was gone.  I stood over them as Jeff started chest compressions, pleading with the emergency operator, with Jeff, with Troy, with the angry buzzing bees.


He has not had another seizure and his MRI was normal.  Under my watchful eye for the last week, I am quick to say that he’s going to be fine.  As a parent, we have to hold onto that.  I imagine we never stop holding onto that, even when our children are grown because if we let our mind wander to where they aren’t fine, to where the bees buzz, it’s bigger than all of us.

I am not fine; I am scared.

Scared of what the butterflies might find, scared of the bees coming back, scared that love can’t protect my kids fully from either.


This is where I’ve been, where I am.

And hopefully, very soon, things will start looking up.


  • Heather

    I am a faithful reader but do not comment, this deserved a comment, your family and Troy are in my thoughts.

  • monstergirlee

    OMG – I hope the doctors can find an effective treatment for your poor sweet boy. My heart aches for what you’re going through. (I missed you too 🙂

  • Tracy

    I do not know you, but enjoy your blog and tweets very much. My daughter has a blood disease as well and I feel your anguish. Children are such a blessing and it never ceases to amaze me how our love for them leaves us so vulnerable. Sending strength and power vibes to you and your family.

  • Austin-Lee

    I am praying for you and your sweet boy, and your whole family. Normally, you’re blog/tweets always makes me laugh…I love your humor and sarcastic whit. Wish there was something I could say to you now that would make YOU smile or laugh, for a change…but also I want to cry for you and your family. I wish that things like this didn’t happen. Even more as I’ve become a mom, it seems so wrong when they happen, especially to our babies. Hang in there. Stay strong, mama.

  • debi

    Thinking positively about you and your family. Stay strong! xo

  • Teisha

    He’s Asian – he’ll be fine, they have like super ninja healing powers or something. Right?

    But seriously, my thoughts are with you and your family, and on a selfish note, thanks for the update I was beginning to wonder what was up!

  • Heather

    I hope that everything turns out ok for Troy and your family. I love you guys, even though I don’t know you in real life. You are all in my thoughts. <3

  • julie

    i will be keeping all of you in my thoughts – most especially troy.

  • beaux

    I am so sorry to hear this. This brought tears to my eyes. From one parent to another I can imagine how scary this must have been for all of you. You are all in our thoughts and prayers and Lo and I send our love.

  • Lois

    Oh, Zak. Our hearts really are held hostage by our kids. I’m praying for your sweet Troy and believing it will all be fine.

  • Lara

    I’m another regular reader who has never commented – but this has really moved me. I cannot imagine what this feels like. But I wanted you to know, that as a typical college kid/20 year old who randomly stumbled upon your blog, your posts inspire me to be mom some day. You are a great mom. My prayers are also with you and troy.

    • Megan

      It’s so true, you are a great mom. You can tell that your two lovelies are smothered with mama love.

  • Britt

    I commented on Facebook, and I still can’t stop thinking about baby Troy. Like Lara, I’m a college student and I found you because of SGM. I love to hear the stories about your life as a mom, and you have raised some pretty awesome kids. Troy is a little superhero, and you and your family are in my prayers.

  • Stacy

    Troy, being Asian, is descended from 12th degree Ninja warriors, high in the mountains, that pass on their super kick @$$ healing genes to their prodigy.

    I’m sending cyber hugs your way ZDub, and keeping you in our thoughts and prayers. Wine is good for coping with things like this. As our squirrel kisses!

  • BusyDad

    I sent out an APB to all of Asia to send good karma your way. Because what kind of a ninja would I be if I didn’t pull out all the stops to make sure your entire family stays healthy and happy? You guys are in my thoughts. For real.

  • Rags

    I’m a regular reader, though not a commenter. This time, I just had to.

    He’s a beautiful boy and he’s gonna be fine. Love and prayers.

  • Brandi

    I too was wondering where you were.

    You, Troy, and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

  • Tara

    I am also a reader/ stalker who has never commented, however I too wanted to wish you all the best. I am a NICU nurse, and also a mother. I too get the buzzing bees in my head when something bad happens to my child and all my training and logical thinking explodes. I am impressed with the way you both handled an awful situation and I hope and pray that things improve for your sweet and beautiful boy.

  • carla

    Just wanted you to know that I read and giggle over your blog regularly. I’m not a commenter. Just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you and your family. I have an 8 year old boy who had random seizures when he was younger, and they were frightening, horrible, pieces of crap. It’s OK to be scared. Just hug him, and love him, and kiss his face all over as often as you can. Hang in there.

  • Kristie

    Another frequent reader but rare commenter here. This just breaks my heart. I will think happy thoughts for you and Troy and the rest of your family.

  • Kel

    Prayers for you and yours, Zdub.

  • Lori

    Just checking in on you Zdub. Hope everything is going better. You are in my thoughts.

  • bren

    Sending love and prayers to Troy and your family. Be strong and think positive. Hugs to you all!

  • Kelly @ D2BD

    I am crying right now. I know that I’ve never met you, never been blessed enough to share an afternoon of coffee or wine with you and your amazing family but yet through your blog I feel like I know you, like if I lived close we would be pals that would share adventures and you’d tell me about how much the kids have grown. I hope that is touching to you and not creepy.

    I am so sorry you all are having to deal with this and that little Troy is going through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you all. Both of your babies are so amazing and they deserve nothing but laughs and fun times.

    Stay positive, take care of your babes, your hubby and yourself and we will always be here waiting for the next ZDub family adventure!!! oxoxo

  • Jessica

    I am a loyal reader but have never commented. I thought to myself as I clicked on the link, if the snow shovel appears again, something is wrong. I’m so sorry to hear that you all are going through this. You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers.

  • cydney

    I am so sorry to hear that your family is going through this crap. 🙁 I really have no words to say, except that I’m sorry. Troy is such a trooper, you must be so proud of him!

  • merlin513

    Holy Crap! Thoughts and prayers to Troy & the rest of the family,
    (& i’m not particularly religious, but for you & yours i’ll give it a whirl). Thinking happy thoughts & sending ’em your way.

  • Super Lily

    Sending your healing karma…your family will remain in my prayers and thoughts.

  • Erica

    I don’t have words. Just know that I’m thinking about you and your family. Sounds like Troy is getting the attention he needs. Hang in there.

  • Napoleon

    Hey ZDub!

    Hang in there… Things WILL get better! In the meanwhile, I’ll be right outside, watching from a treetop, hoping and wishing everything will be OK, and occasionally trying to catch some of those awful, nasty bees…

    Thinking of you and your family…


    • Brooklyn Jen

      ZOMG… Whoever let Napoleon use their computer to post good thoughts and prayers, thank you. You are brilliant.

  • Chris

    Love to you all…

  • Emily

    Oh Z-dub, I am just now reading this post. I am sending prayers pronto. He is the sweetest, and I know all will be well. Keep us updated.

  • Kim

    brought tears to my eyes…praying for your sweet baby boy…XO

  • Mother Hen

    I have walked in very similar shoes with my own son. You and Troy are in my thoughts and prayers.

  • Cara

    You don’t know me, but I catch up on your blog sporadically. I just wanted to let you know that you all, especially Troy, are in our thoughts and prayers. Much love…

  • Briahn

    Hey Zak.

    Just catching up on my blog reading and it pains me to hear of this.

    Please let me know if you need anything. I’ll come flyin across the metro in a nano second should you ever, ever need. Even if its just to bring you some wine or clean up your own vomit from all of the stress of this.

    hugs to you and troy

  • Sophia

    Your blog brighten my day, and for that, I knew I needed to reach out and say that you and Troy are in my thoughts and prayers. Stay positive and keep doing what you are doing. You are one kick ass Momma! Happy holidays with fuzzy squirrels for everyone! 😉

  • Adventures In Babywearing

    I am so sorry you had to go through that. And this. I didn’t see this until now, which is probably a good thing because you know me and I get weak over anyone having a child with seizures. I’m in a better state of mind tonight. If there is anything I can do? You can call me anytime (I mean it) and other than that, I’m getting my pray on.


leave a comment
Your email is never shared.
Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge