Untitled Because I’m So Very Tired.

posted by on 09/21/2010 | 6,223 comments (leave one of your own)

I’m teetering on the edge, dangerously close to slipping and falling into a deep, dark space of scary. I want to run out the front door, out into the night and breathe the cool air in and exhale the dread and the terror. I picture myself running down the driveway and through the trees, barefoot and in my yoga pants that I wear for everything but yoga, with my ponytail stretching behind me as I pick up speed along the asphalt, the pine trees lining the road point me in the right direction.

Any direction is the right direction as long as it isn’t my effing house at bedtime.

Because god forbid we try to put people that are not adults to bed at a “decent” hour.

A “decent” hour at this house is eleven p.m. if you are Zoe. And one a.m. if you are Troy.

Zoe is pretty chill about the whole situation, she’s had nine years to come up with a fail proof plan on how to manipulate her way into staying up at least an hour past the original mention of “Get in bed“.

1. Accomplish all steps you were instructed to do, i.e. brush teeth, jammies, etc.
2. Go to room and read.
3. Read is code for “wait for your mother to activate DVR+laptop+wine because she thinks she’s victorious in executing a successful parenting mission”.
4. Turn off light, sneak into hallway and watch tv along with your mother until she catches you.

Troy has flat out decided that bedtime is for suckas. He is having none of it, unless we all go to bed at the same time in the big bed. Most of the time, I do not feel like going to bed at eight o’clock in the evening, so we have tried to convince Troy that his bedroom is the where it’s at, it being get-the-hell-out-of-our-room. We have tried to establish a soothing routine, you know, a relaxing bath, warm jammies, bedtime stories. OH GOD WITH THE BEDTIME STORIES. I’m talking board books out the face, we cover everything. From shapes and numbers, to goodnight moon, to that eff-hole Biscuit puppy ruining perfectly good birthday parties and hippos and their bee-bos, Troy is well read. Like probably the most well read toddler I know, I’m not kidding. Meanwhile, if I have to spend on more evening on a toddler mattress reading about the lady with the alligator purse I am going to need sedation. And a straight jacket. At least that way I won’t have to turn the pages of the same eighteen board books.

Dont’ get me wrong, it’s not all the reading that’s getting me down. It’s what comes after I try to stop reading, when I put the brakes on Midnight Story Time starring Mom and Troy.

HE FREAKS.

He needs to brush his teeth, which we did two hours ago when I originally decided he should go to bed. He requests to “look at Zoe”, who I am sure at this point is probably just sitting on the couch with the remote watching SATC reruns because she went to “bed” three hours ago and since I’m in Troy’s room having Bed Wars Showdown Part 65049, she doesn’t have to sit in the hallway. He absolutely cannot rest until he has *insert name of some random hot wheel car*. I have no idea what he’s talking about, so I have to go search through the car bin. At this point, he’s peed in his diaper (stall tactic, Zoe probably coached him) and I have to change him. He insists on a red diaper, only red, and then you must put his regular underwear on over it.

After this debacle that happens nightly, he falls asleep while I sit on the floor beside his bed and stare at him like Clarice from Silence of The Lambs.

When it’s over, I feel defeated. And tired because by the time Troy and I finish up the going to bed standoff, it’s one a.m. After this last go around, I might have gone in the kitchen and eaten an entire row of seasonal oreos to ease my pain.

Clearly there are no winners.

    Comments
  • 바카라사이트


    I was extremely pleased to discover this web site. I wanted to thank you for your time just for this fantastic read!! I definitely savored every bit of it and I have you bookmarked to see new things in your website.

  • microsoft office home and student 2019


    Wonderful beat ! I wish to apprentice while you amend your web site, how could i subscribe for a blog web site? The account aided me a acceptable deal. I had been tiny bit acquainted of this your broadcast offered bright clear idea

  • houston junk car buyer


    I like the valuable info you provide in your articles. I will bookmark your blog and check again here frequently. I’m quite sure I will learn many new stuff right here! Best of luck for the next!|

  • Breanna Skweres


    I really like it when individuals come together and share views. Great website, keep it up!

  • boyso111mvd2.bloggactif.com


    Qué maravilla de artículo.

  • snus odens


    May I simply just say what a comfort to discover a person that really knows what they’re talking about on the web. You actually realize how to bring a problem to light and make it important. More people really need to look at this and understand this side of your story. I was surprised you’re not more popular because you surely have the gift.|

  • Intenta aquí


    Qué maravilla de artículo.

  • click this


    I like what you guys are up too. Such intelligent work and reporting! Carry on the excellent works guys I have incorporated you guys to my blogroll. I think it will improve the value of my web site 🙂

  • CBD vape juice


    Hey there! I know this is kinda off topic but I’d figured I’d ask. Would you be interested in trading links or maybe guest authoring a blog article or vice-versa? My site covers a lot of the same subjects as yours and I think we could greatly benefit from each other. If you are interested feel free to send me an email. I look forward to hearing from you! Great blog by the way!|

  • Rumination syndrome


    Really appreciate you sharing this blog post.Really thank you! Fantastic.

  • Tifany Lannan


    http://purpipe.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=bestpornsites.club/

  • avengers superhero cosplay


    If some one needs to be updated with hottest technologies therefore he must be go
    to see this site and be up to date every day.

  • free stock trading platform


    Thanks for sharing your thoughts on meta_keyword. Regards|

  • jordan 1 low


    I want to express some appreciation to you just for rescuing me from this type of problem. After scouting throughout the world wide web and meeting solutions which were not productive, I assumed my entire life was over. Living without the presence of answers to the difficulties you have resolved by way of your good website is a critical case, as well as the ones which might have in a negative way damaged my entire career if I had not noticed your web blog. Your actual training and kindness in handling all the pieces was useful. I am not sure what I would have done if I had not come upon such a thing like this. It’s possible to at this moment look forward to my future. Thanks a lot very much for your specialized and amazing help. I will not be reluctant to propose the website to any person who wants and needs tips about this area.

  • golden goose


    I precisely wanted to thank you so much yet again. I do not know what I could possibly have gone through without the actual thoughts shown by you relating to my field. Previously it was an absolute horrifying problem in my opinion, however , coming across the very skilled tactic you managed that forced me to cry over delight. I am just thankful for this information as well as expect you comprehend what an amazing job your are doing teaching other individuals with the aid of your site. More than likely you’ve never met all of us.

  • jfkdebate.com


    Lo voy a mandar a compañeros.

  • Lenny Kintner


    http://patrioticdrone.com/__media__/js/netsoltrademark.php?d=bestpornsites.club/

  • Dennis Samad


    I want to to thank you for this great read!! I definitely enjoyed every bit of it. I have you book-marked to look at new things you post…

  • levitra


    Non-specific Message Far this product
    https://levitrahill.com levitra

  • check this


    I got what you intend, thanks for putting up. Woh I am glad to find this website through google

  • filofax finsbury


    Hi there Dear, are you genuinely visiting this web site regularly, if so then you
    will without doubt take fastidious knowledge.

    My blog: filofax finsbury

    leave a comment
    Your email is never shared.
    Required fields are marked *