Archive for August, 2010

Dare To Keep Your Kids Off Leggings

posted by on 08/18/2010

Zoe and I currently have an ongoing argument, an argument that I am embarrassed to say has lasted all summer. It escalated this morning and I’m not sure I handled it properly, I mean, I might have thrown clothes and she might have shut a dresser drawer a little bit too hard.

We are fighting over leggings.

Specifically, whether or not is acceptable to wear leggings with a too short tshirt. That she wants to tuck in. With a jean jacket.

I have nothing against leggings, I grew up in leggings. When I was Zoe’s age, I was all about “stirrup” pants and too long sweaters. I wish I could spend all my days and nights in leggings and baggy tops, it’s genius. And very comfortable. So when she comes strolling out of her room in a Hello Kitty glitter tee that she outgrew LAST YEAR and polka dot leggings, I get it. But you are not going to go out of the house like that, so turn it around and put a skirt on and I know I’m ruining your life, that’s the plan.

I swear to baby jesus, she is going to grow up and be a district attorney. She argues her guts out with me and even though it makes me want to hold a bonfire with a pile of leggings, I’m secretly kind of proud of her. She stands up for herself and presents facts. Most of the time when she is following me around the kitchen while I load the dishwasher and she is spouting her 12 minutes long diatribe on Leggings+Short Tees And Why It’s Acceptable, I expect her to wrap it up with, “And the defense rests, your Honor.”

Now, I am trying to be understanding, I am. Zoe is allowed to sleep in her legging/tee getup, but is not allowed to exit the house in such a fashion. I thought I had gotten through to her except then I get a call from her while I’M AT WORK and she’s telling me that she went to the grocery store in said attire because everyone is oblivious to Battle Of The Leggings 2010 and basically defying you is no fun unless you know about it.

After I got Zoe off to school, after Leggings Fight #283, I sat down to research important information regarding the history of leggings for this post (Goggling “leggings-yes or no”) and I ran across this little gem:


Internets, did I mis something? Is this like appropriate attire? I mean, on one hand it’s Lindsay freaking Nohan. I think this just reiterates my point regarding why you should wear leggings NEVER. Zoe is going to take one look at this picture and be all, “Ooh, I really like her leggings” and “I told you so”. I take one look at this picture and think, “Leggings today, eight ball tomorrow” because everyone knows leggings are a gateway drug.


I Went To The Movies And I Was Confused. Just Like When I’m Not At The Movies.

posted by on 08/16/2010

On Saturday, I took a personal day. A personal day means I don’t have to do anything child related, like find the charger for Zoe’s DS for the 32nd time in a row or wipe butts (side eye to Troy) or cut the crusts off of sandwiches. Actually I don’t cut crusts off of sandwiches because I think that is a real pussy thing to do. If you don’t like the crust on the sandwich that I just made you with the ingredients that I bought with the money I earned, don’t eat it and you damn well better thank me for making you that delicious snack. We are quite possibly raising a generation of children with borderline douchey behavior and it will probably all be linked back to cutting the crusts off of their sandwiches. And letting them have cell phones when they are six.

My personal day was off to a pretty bogus start because I had to make pancakes and then clean the kitchen like it is my job. It is my job, but damn, apparently rinsing your bowl out after you have pasta/cocoa puffs/ice cream, is way too difficult. I mean, I guess they are just making me better at my job because it would be too easy to just rinse a bowl and put it in the dishwasher. They must stand over the sink and then Zoe goes, “Hmmm, Mom needs more training, so let’s just leave our dirty dishes overnight while she is at work. This way she will go into mom overtime soaking/scrubbing/sandblasting her bowls that she would rather just throw away due the fact that dried on food gives her major angry brain but they are from and her favorite so she will totally have to spend 29 minutes of her personal day cleaning four bowls.” And then Troy is all, “She just should cut the crusts off our sandwiches. And buy me an iPhone.”

I then decided to go see a movie by myself. This is a major act of courage on my part because I’m a twin and I have major dependency issues and I do not roll out in public by myself. Eating in a restaurant alone? No thank you. That’s the stuff my nightmares are made of. Screw being naked in public, my bad dreams consist of me asking for a table for one.

I almost bailed, but I’m 34 and fabulous and if I want to go see Eat, Pray, Love alone then eff the haters. I was almost to the box office when Jesus heard my pleas and I ran into an actual human friend of mine that I know in real life who was also going to the movies. She told me that she was meeting work friends inside to see that vampire movie and she asked if I would like to join them. I don’t know anything at all about the vampires vs. wolves movie/book saga, but I decided then and there that I would rather go to the movies with friends and be confused then sit in the movies alone and be enlightened.

Plus she said they were going out for drinks afterwards.

Now I know some of you, along with 93% of the world, are way into this series. And I’m totally cool with that, I am. I just think that personally I am a bit too old for it, mainly because they sell vampire t-shirts and thongs at Hot Topics. Or is it Hot Topix? Regardless, I had decided if I ever did get involved of the epic awesome of vampires and wolves and moons and twilights and eclipses, I wanted to read the books in order, which will happen never because I only have time to read books to Troy that have pictures and are about pooping and pottying on the toilet and I due to time constraints, I have to make a choice between reading and blogging and I choose blogging because I care about you. You’re welcome.

We make it to our seats and the movie has been playing for thirty minutes, I have no idea what is going on. I’m really not concerned, I mean, I might have a beer in my purse and there aren’t any kids that need me to take care of them, I’m good.

I’m not going to ruin the movie for anyone out there that hasn’t seen it, but basically some chick is about to graduate high school and is in love with a pasty, skinny vampire who is dead. She also kinda digs a hot, buff guy that turns into a comically large wolf that is alive and she’s trying to chose between the two. If she chooses the vampire, she has to become dead and can’t see her family. If she chooses wolf guy, she can stay undead and also become part of some sort of Native American/wolf people tribe.

She’s kinda slutty, but I’m down. I like that she has decided on a clear path after high school, I mean she has direction. I graduated high school and all I cared about was buying beer with my tip money. Obviously a lot has changed since then.

About twenty minutes into the movie, which is really 50 minutes into the movie, I couldn’t even focus on the story because all I could think about was how if you were deaf or watching it with no sound, it could totally be a Herbal Essences hair dye commercial.

It’s like the director was all, “OK, how can we really take this film to the next level and really grab the universe by its balls and make it take note and brainwash everyone into giving us all their dollars?”

The answer is dye the living piss out of everyone’s hair that is involved with this movie, even if you are only on screen for 2.3 seconds and you are dead in the street.

Here’s Sluttly Pants and she loves vampires and wolves equally. Or maybe vampires more. I think she goes way back with the pasty vampire dude, but I couldn’t tell you. I’m including the hair dye color information in case any of you also want to look like dead/undead people, the choice is yours really.

VO5 please

I think these are kids that go to school with Slutty Pants, but I’m not sure. This was pretty much the only scene that doesn’t feature in your face hair dye, but I don’t remember seeing it in the theater. This might have been in the beginning of the movie which is why I don’t have a recollection of it, but I do know that there aren’t enough Asians in this flick. Or life really.

yes, please.

Some of the angst-ridden vampires had a meeting about what to do about the impending attack from the newborn vampire army. Although I just typed that sentence, I really have no idea what it means, so don’t ask.

hair meeting

In the end, there was a big battle of infant vampires vs. adult vampires with surprise! wolves, which were on the same side as the adult vampires. They fought and apparently when you kill a vampire and shatter its vampire parts, it sounds just like breaking styrofoam.

This is the pasty vampire dude that Slutty is into, but I’m sure you already knew that. Spoiler Alert: He doesn’t die like broken styrofoam, but it’s a close one.


By the ending, I was kinda into it. I think I want to see the first two movies and will try to watch them in order so I have a better grasp on the hair dye commercial overall.

And just so you know, wolves over vampires any day of the week.