Peanut Butter Freestyle

posted by on 04/30/2010 | 1,026 comments (leave one of your own)

Each year on April 15th, taxes are to be filed. I know this, I’ve been filing taxes for years. But for some reason, I wait until the absolute LAST MINUTE. Every single time.

Here’s the thing. I have done our taxes for the last seven years, like correctly and stuff. I mean, I’m not in jail, so assume I have the thumbs up. Despite being married to an Asian man that is excellent at math, I am in charge of all things payment and bank related here at our house. I am not being stereotypical by any means when I say that he’s Asian and he’s excels at math, he is and he does. And honestly, I’ve really never met an Asian that was a straight up genius at life and when I married one, I thought I could stop doing my own effing taxes. WRONG.

And being how I am not Asian, I suck at math. It amazes me every month when bills are paid (semi) on time and we still manage to even have 57 cents left over.

Here’s my top secret method to paying bills.

1. Get bill in mail. Don’t open it.

2. Lay it on counter and give it hateful side eye every time you walk by it.

3. Wait about three weeks and open it.

4. See the bill is due in three days, freak and log on to bank account and hope we have funds.

5. Breathe sigh of relief because we have way more money than I thought. Pay all of our bills in four minutes.

6. Repeat every 30 days.

I decided that it would be in our best interest if I did something I have never done before: I had our taxes done by someone else.

Of course, I call on April 12th to see if I can make an appointment. I can? Great. Oh, you want me to come on the 15th at 1 p.m.? Do you have anything sooner, you know, because I’m an asshole who only waited until the last minute and I don’t have a sitter for the 15th. Fine, see you at 1 p.m. on the 15th.

All the way over in the car, I’m talking this up big time to Troy. Because not only have I waited until the last possible minute to file, I have to take my toddler. Good times. I have packed a bag for what looks like the damn apocalypse, complete with toy cars, his favorite stuffed animal, books, a sippy and the pièce de résistance, a coloring book and markers. I plan on doling it out slowly, saving the markers as my go to last resort toy. He loves markers more than anything and he’s not allowed to have them. Ever. Ask my sofa. I hear myself tell him he has to be very, very good and I see him staring at me in the rear view mirror. I don’t even know what I mean by that, he’s two. So basically that translates to “Don’t set anything on fire”.

We walked into the joint and it’s packed. It’s a gigantic open room with a bunch of desks crammed in it and each tax person has a laptop. Everyone stops what they are doing and turns to look at us and Troy announces, “HELL-DOH!” (Hello) and you could have heard a pin drop. And my soul. He is the only person under the age of not a grown up. I know immediately this is going to be the most taxing (haha, see how I did that? sorry) hour and a half of my life.

I am paired up with a gruff, down to business Grandpa-type man and he introduces himself to me. He calls Troy “little solider” and tells him to sit in a folding chair across from us. Yeah, right. Troy climbs down, walks over, points and says “Puter-Puter?” That is Troy talk for Let Me Punch All The Buttons On Your Computer And Make Your Toolbar Disappear So Your Mom Has To Email Tech Support.

I immediately dump the bag out and hand Troy the markers.

This bides us a good twenty minutes. Troy is sitting at my feet, happy and pretending to draw bicycles all over Zoe’s coloring book. The grumpy tax man is plugging in our information and is so slow that I think this might be the first time he’s ever seen a computer. He wins me over by telling me that he got us an extra $287 by something or other and line something else and then apologizes for being so slow because his eyes aren’t what they used to be, but Hey! I’m not doing the taxes! Take all the time in the world! This isn’t that bad!

And then Troy announces he has “Hungies” (Hungries) and is signing he wants to eat. He wants a snack, the only thing I did not pack in the bag because we just had lunch. I ask the tax man if there is a vending machine and he tells me no, but that he will be right back. He comes back with a cooler and asks if Troy is allergic to peanuts. I say no and he gives Troy his own package of two peanut butter cookies, like right out of his own personal lunch stash. Troy now loves tax man and is quietly eating his cookies and drawing with his markers, a tiny bit on the carpet, but he’s quiet! This is the nicest thing ever. EVER. Tax man is like toddler whisperer.

Troy then proceeds to finish the cookies and is ticked. You would think he never gets cookies at home and is stomping his tiny toddler feet, signing for more. Tax man/toddler whisperer tells Troy that he’s sorry and he’s all out of peanut butter cookies.

Troy takes this opportunity, in a room filled with people frantically trying to get their taxes finished and people hard at work finishing those people’s taxes, to scream at the top of his not-so-tiny toddler lungs, “MORE PEA-NUS!”

It sounds just like it looks.

I know he meant More Peanuts, you know he meant More Peanuts, but in that room on April 15th, I wanted to die.

Everyone just stopped and looked around, like “Did we just hear what we think we thought we heard?” And then he screamed it again. And is now lying on the floor and throwing markers.

I forcibly laugh, bend down to pick Troy and then in a too high-pitched voice was all, “He means PEANUTS, he just had a PEANUT butter cookie. Troy, Momma will get you more cookies as soon as we leave here, OK?” Except what I really meant was if you say PEA-NUS one more time, you will never see another cookie, so help me Jesus. He keeps repeating it and then someone laughs. And then someone else. I can feel my face burning like the fire of a thousand suns.

Troy knows he has won. He sits on my lap, emptying out my wallet, pausing to yell “PEA-NUS!” while clapping and laughing, trying to make everyone else laugh because PEANUTS are hilarious. Tax man finally finishes up our taxes, I thank him and scramble to pack up all of our stuff. When we are leaving, Troy is stopping at every desk, telling people goodbye and high-fiving them. I feel like I am quite possibly raising a politician. Or Eddie Murphy.

    Comments
  • Eleonoragpuj


    what are the ingredients in viagra
    viagra https://www.v1agrabuy.com order viagra
    what means viagra

  • bitcoin betting websites


    Thanks for ones marvelous posting! I truly enjoyed reading it, you may be a
    great author.I will be sure to bookmark your blog and will often come back very soon. I want
    to encourage yourself to continue your great writing,
    have a nice evening!

  • Errolsxcw


    I all the time used to study article in news papers but now as I am a user of net thus from now I am using net for content, thanks to web.

  • special info bizopsbusiness.com


    In a second, considering the fast lifestyle that everyone leads, credit cards have a huge demand throughout the economy. Persons coming from every area of life are using the credit card and people who not using the card have made arrangements to apply for one. Thanks for giving your ideas about credit cards.

  • Nerissasvhp


    what is a good substitute for viagra
    buy viagra pills
    what is a 30 day supply of viagra 100mg

  • click here to investigate bizopsbusiness.com


    In now time, taking into consideration the fast chosen lifestyle that everyone is having, credit cards have a big demand throughout the economy. Persons throughout every field are using the credit card and people who aren’t using the card have made arrangements to apply for one in particular. Thanks for discussing your ideas in credit cards.

  • Sell Diabetic Test Strips OKC


    I have read so many articles or reviews regarding the blogger lovers except this piece of writing is really a pleasant paragraph, keep it up.|

  • Cop thriller movie


    This paragraph will assist the internet viewers for building up new website or even a blog from start to end.|

  • go to these guys bizopsbusiness.com


    Thanks for your strategies. One thing I’ve noticed is that often banks plus financial institutions understand the spending behaviors of consumers and as well understand that the majority of people max out their credit cards around the holidays. They correctly take advantage of that fact and then start flooding the inbox along with snail-mail box using hundreds of no-interest APR credit card offers just after the holiday season finishes. Knowing that if you’re like 98 of the American public, you’ll hop at the possible opportunity to consolidate credit card debt and switch balances towards 0 apr interest rates credit cards.

  • btc sports betting


    Have you ever considered writing an e-book or guest authoring
    on other websites? I have a blog based on the same topics you discuss and
    would love to have you share some stories/information. I know my readers would enjoy your work.
    If you’re even remotely interested, feel free to shoot me an email.

  • read review bizopsbusiness.com


    Thanks for your concepts. One thing we have noticed is the fact that banks along with financial institutions understand the spending routines of consumers plus understand that a lot of people max out and about their cards around the vacations. They sensibly take advantage of this real fact and begin flooding ones inbox along with snail-mail box along with hundreds of 0 APR credit card offers right after the holiday season closes. Knowing that if you’re like 98 in the American community, you’ll leap at the one opportunity to consolidate consumer credit card debt and shift balances towards 0 rate credit cards.

  • bitcoin betting sites


    It’s going to be finish of mine day, however before finish I am reading this fantastic post to improve my experience.

  • online sports betting bitcoin


    Hi there! I’m at work browsing your blog from my new apple iphone!
    Just wanted to say I love reading through your blog and look
    forward to all your posts! Carry on the outstanding work!

  • Best web development company in India


    Very good article. I definitely appreciate this website. Stick with it!|

  • Birger Dehne


    Thank you, I have just been looking for info about this topic for a while and yours is the best I have found out so far. But, what about the conclusion? Are you sure concerning the source?|

  • why not look here bizopsbusiness.com


    One thing is that one of the most frequent incentives for utilizing your card is a cash-back or perhaps rebate supply. Generally, you’ll receive 1-5 back upon various expenses. Depending on the credit cards, you may get 1 in return on most acquisitions, and 5 in return on acquisitions made on convenience stores, filling stations, grocery stores as well as ‘member merchants’.

  • Sangfflg


    single tablet viagra
    https://www.v1agrabuy.com/# – buy viagra online cheap
    viagra is what kind of drug

  • nawadnianie


    Thanks again for the post.Really looking forward to read more. Fantastic.

  • Austiniddg


    cbd oil like viagra
    does viagra increase size
    viagra patches

  • url address


    Check us out guys. We provide speedy and same day appliance repair service all across Vancouver. We are more then happy to help out anyone with any appliance related issue, you can call us (604) 229-4068 or submit your question on our website maxvancouver.ca we always do our best to answer quickly and I look forward to discussing this or any related topic with me. Thank you Samuel.

  • click for more info bizopsbusiness.com


    One thing is that often one of the most widespread incentives for using your credit card is a cash-back or even rebate offer. Generally, you’ll get 1-5 back with various acquisitions. Depending on the cards, you may get 1 back again on most expenditures, and 5 back again on acquisitions made using convenience stores, gas stations, grocery stores as well as ‘member merchants’.

  • Camerontyws


    what is the highest dose of viagra i can take
    [url=https://www.v1agrabuy.com/#]viagra alternative[/url]
    how does viagra affect premature ejaculation

  • Judithyvmw


    canada viagra 100mg
    viagra
    torturing his viagra harden prick asstr

  • kurzzeitgymnasium


    It’s an remarkable paragraph in support of all the web viewers; they will take benefit from it I am sure.|

  • Danikadiws


    why doesn t viagra work
    buy viagra new york
    generic version of viagra

  • Corbin Chamberlin Vogue


    I’ve read some just right stuff here. Certainly worth bookmarking for revisiting. I wonder how so much attempt you place to make such a fantastic informative website.|

  • visit here bizopsbusiness.com


    In now time, considering the fast life-style that everyone is having, credit cards have a huge demand in the economy. Persons coming from every arena are using the credit card and people who are not using the card have prepared to apply for one. Thanks for revealing your ideas in credit cards.

  • canadian online pharmacy cialis


    And it decreases oxygen inquire to the meningitis, it has. cialis on line Qckmrv djtcty

  • jordan shoes


    You need to take part in a contest for one of the best blogs on the web. I’ll recommend this website!

  • Lewisetfe


    There’s certainly a lot to find out about this topic. I like all the points you made.

    leave a comment
    Your email is never shared.
    Required fields are marked *