Archive for April, 2010

I Know Golf. Except Not Really.

posted by on 04/12/2010

The end of the Masters Golf tournament was this weekend. I know absolutely nothing about golf, except that I cannot hit a golf ball to save my life. I think it is the most dreadful sport to watch, even more boring to actually play. Bonus points issued to golf for allowing you to drink beer and drive fun little go carts while you participate, points removed for the yawnfest outfits. This is just my opinion, do not send me emails detailing why I am wrong and golf is the best sport in all of the land. We watch NASCAR for crap’s sake and if you have been reading this here blog for longer than a day, you know what level of class you are dealing with.

While I was working the bar yesterday, the television was on and all the men people wanted the channel on golf and that Masters thing. Until my boss lets me change it to A&E where we can all watch Hoarders, I consider the TV at work strictly decorative and I use it mainly as a distraction tool. If people are all up in the television, this means less time I have to spend with them making inane chitchat about the weather. It’s not that I mind chitchatting about the weather, it’s just customers discussing the weather somehow always turn the conversation to how the President is ruining America and that’s usually when I am all, “Let me get you another drink and look! Golf is on TV!”

I am doing my thing, i.e. pouring a beer and avoiding eye contact with the people that look like they want to talk about politics and/or religion, and I hear the announcer on the tube say something about so and so “Choi” and how he’s doing an excellent something or other on the fairway. For all you non-golfers out there, fairway is code for “the grass where you hit the golf ball”. I almost snapped my fool neck trying to get a good look at the television because I know Asian when I hear it.

Y’all, I had NO idea golf had so many Asians.

Of the top five final leaders for the 2010 Masters tournament, THREE were Asian.

Phil Mickleson
won the whole tournament, but he’s not Asian so moving on. Lee Westwood came in second, again not Asian. Also, every time I hear someone say Lee Westwood I think of the singer Lee Greenwood and then that “Proud To Be An American” song gets stuck in my head. I’m sure Lee Westwood is proud to be an American (not really because he’s English), but I would be more proud of Lee and his second place finish if he was of the Asian descent.

K.J. Choi tied for fourth place. K.J. is Korean and all business. He is also the first Korean winner on both the PGA Tour and the PGA European Tour.

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The next fourth place spot went to everyone’s favorite adulterer professional golfer, Eldrick Tont Woods AKA Tiger Woods. He is one quarter Chinese and one quarter Thai and has won the Masters FOUR times in the past. He is quite possibly the greatest golfer in the history of the universe and really doesn’t care what we think about him boning a whole bunch of chicks.

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The golfer that managed to secure third place in the 2010 Masters is my personal favorite (since yesterday), Anthony Kim.

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Anthony is Korean American and attended the University of Oklahoma (BOOMER). He also set some sort of record during the 2009 Masters by making a 11 birdies in a row. I don’t know what a birdie is but it seems that making a whole bunch at one time gives you instant ninja golf status. What I do know is that you can’t argue with this:

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A golfing Asian in white pants and a Swarovski crystal belt buckle? I think I have a new favorite pastime. I’m talking about the golf, although Asians have been a favorite hobby of mine for years.

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I do believe that it’s good to involve children in sports and everyone knows that Tiger began golfing when he was two. It’s too late for Zoe, so Troy is our my hope for raising the next Asian American golf prodigy.

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T wears that helmet all the live long day and plays NASCAR, which basically consists of yelling “CAH-WASCH!” (CRASH) and falling down.

Don’t worry, Troy, Momma will help you. You will be the best little Asian NASCAR driver turned pro golfer in the world. Now go practice your swing. If it’s good enough for Eldrick Tont, it’s good enough for you.

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Merry Easter

posted by on 04/06/2010

You know the people that have perfect meals and perfect holidays and everything goes perfectly as planned?

We aren’t those people.

I had very good intentions, I did. After Zoe asked me on Saturday if we had Easter to celebrate Jesus and HIS BIRTHDAY, I intended on everyone taking a trip to church for some Easter education. Growing up, we went to a very Southern Baptist church and I don’t really remember that much about it, other than we always painted ceramics in Sunday School, like a huge yellow triangle that said “Jesus On Board” (not kidding) and elderly people attended that church like it was their job.

But I do remember that Easter is NOT baby Jesus’ birthday.

Easter Sunday. The kids wake up and mosey into the living room to find their Easter baskets with a few goodies and a toy. Troy promptly exclaims, “KEEKA LAUS!”, which is toddlernese for SANTA CLAUS. Obviously Zoe must have explained what Easter was all about and I begin to wonder if it is indeed Jesus’ birthday. Enough is enough and we are so going to church. I think my exact words were “We are all going come hell or high water”.

And then a pipe attached to the downstairs toilet exploded and flooded the bathroom, the hallway and an entire bedroom closet.

By the time we used every single towel we owned and the Shop Vac to sop up the water, church was almost over. The “high water” also caused me to forget about my orange pound cake that I made-from scratch-was still cooling in its pan and needed to be removed, oh, about 86 minutes earlier. Apparently if you leave pound cake in its pan that it was baked in for longer than 10 minutes after you take it out of the oven, it tears and crumbles and looks like someone has already eaten it.

Refusing to accept defeat, my mother and I managed to prepare a nice meal. When we sat down to eat, Zoe raised her glass and said, “To Jesus and his birthday!”

Accepting defeat, I let the kids go outside an hunt Easter eggs. Because that’s how you celebrate birthdays around these parts.

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easter sunday

It was the best birthday Easter ever.

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