For the holidays, I made a ton of Beth’s peppermint bark and faux thin mints and boxed them up and gave them away. I do not bake, I cannot stand it. I sold my Kitchen Aid stand mixer on Craigslist a few years ago and I didn’t feel a twinge of remorse. I was actually petrified of the damn thing. Every time I took it out of my cabinet, I envisioned dropping it and severing my toes. (I know most people leave theirs out on the countertop to showcase it like a damn cooking trophy, but my cabinets were too low to do that.) It was a gift from my ex-husband and I lugged that damn thing from California to Colorado and used it maybe ten times.

To make cakes out of a box.

Needless to say, I was pretty damn proud of myself when I managed to whip up these treats without burning anything/cussing/give them out by December 25th.

And they looked pretty damn awesome.

Cut to last week. My friend Jamie, whom I have worked with for the last few years and tolerates babysits my children from time to time, called me to tell me she was eating one of the faux thin mints, see the little round chocolate thingies located in the back of the box, when one of the Christmas tree sprinkles jammed up through her tooth.

And her tooth BROKE OFF.

Side note: Remember that time that Zoe had a sleepover and her little friend fell in my living room, whacked her face on my 4,000 pound coffee table and broke part of her permanent tooth off?

My friend with the broken tooth is that little girl’s MOTHER.

Zoe was in charge of the sprinkles and sprinkled those cookies like her life depended on it. I know they were sprinkle laden. I feel absolutely terrible. I have single-handedly sent this family to the dentist more times than necessary.

In my defense, Jamie turned 30 today. Obviously her aging teeth just can’t handle sweets like they used to.

Happy Birthday, Jamie. I’m sorry you got a root canal for your birthday. I was going to bake you zucchini bread, but I don’t think you would eat it. Look on the bright side, you could be turning 40. With dentures.