I have a weak stomach, true story. My freshman year of college, while in the cafeteria, I touched applesauce that someone had smeared on a table and I threw up in my own lap. Jim AKA Busy Dad posted a video that he and Shannon AKA Mr. Lady shot in China of Jim sampling some off the wall cuisine. And by off the wall, I mean people that live in China won’t even eat it.  He wanted to see my reaction, I refused to watch, and well, the rest is this vlog.

No worries, (SPOILER ALERT) I only throw up the tiniest bit of coffee in my mouth.

Enjoy.

I work about 25 hours a week at my “real job”. By real job, I mean the one that requires me to wear pants and not use the computer and/or send people to their rooms. I keep this job because it has beer and snacks and I enjoy cash money. Those 25 hours are spread out over Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and during this time, the kids go buck wild up in this b.

Because Jeff is in charge.

By the time I walk in the door Sunday afternoon, the house is destroyed, something has overflowed, and every damn dish we own is dirty.

Seriously, Jeff can mess up five kitchen items just by making a sandwich.

I have few rules for them while I am gone, mostly don’t stab each other and only call me at work if it is directly related to someone’s blood sugar and any questions you might have. Or if anyone has been stabbed. Even then, fingers crossed they have the common sense to dial 911 first (they don’t).

One of the few rules is Don’t Touch Mom’s Stuff. And stay out of the office.

When I walked in the door Sunday, Troy and Jeff are napping on the couch and Zoe was sitting at the kitchen table surrounded by my 24 pack of SHARPIES and drawing on various items she had gathered FROM THE OFFICE.

If you have children, you know Sharpies are the equivalent of handing them a flamethrower and saying, “Here you go, fuck it alllll up real good“. Shit will go down in a nanosecond with a kid/Sharpie combo, trust.

Zoe swore to me that she only got the Sharpies out after Troy (and Jeff) went to sleep and stayed at the table with them the whole time.

And when I saw what she was working on? I couldn’t get mad.

Because Zoe brought jokes.

And probably has a successful future in marketing.

I’m not so sure if you knew this, but four year olds? Whack. One second they are saying they hate you (i just can’t even), the next minute they are saying that you are their very best (I can’t handle this emotional roller coaster, Troy), and then they are having a crying fit in the middle of the grocery store because they are afraid of hot lava and volcanoes.  When I asked him in the parking lot how he knew about hot lava and volcanoes, he was all, “I saw it on Backyardigans“.

Because we all know how bawl-your-eyes-out-in-the-cereal-aisle that show can be.

If I didn’t know better, I would think he was about to get his period.

Because I always thought I would like to homeschool my children (seriously, I thought this at one point), I decided we would make a volcano and get all educational and shit.  I had Zoe’s iPad all set up with important volcanic information to share with Troy, meaning I googled ‘volcanoes’, but only after I had to google whether or not it is spelled ‘volcanoes‘ or ‘volcanos‘.

Which is probably why it is just as well I don’t homeschool.

When Troy woke up, he was super excited for learning.

Until he saw the volcano I had crafted out of an empty beer bottle and some play-doh.

I’m about using what we have, Troy. And we happen to have a recycling can full of beer bottles.

I added some baking soda, red food coloring, and dish soap to the bottle and then after a brief lesson on the iPad regarding why they erupt and what is hot lava, we poured in some vinegar and boom! We was learning real good.

I think we both definitely gained something from this experience.

I learned how to spell volcanoes and Troy learned about volcanoes and that they aren’t really that scary, especially when they are in your kitchen and named Mt. Saint Empty Beer Bottle.

He also said I should probably send him to public school.

Team Volcano Beercano,

ZDub

My best girl turned eleven this weekend. The birthday blowout involved a limo, friends, cake, hot pink boas, dinner, and laughing.  I’m not sure I’ve ever laughed so hard in my life.  Eleven year old girls are hilarious, trust.  It was the perfect birthday, she deserved it very much so after last year’s perfect storm.

Zoe and I ran to Target late Sunday evening, just the two of us. We talked about boys, picked out snacks, and looked at stationery and books. As we walked around and shopped, she held my hand, just like when she was little. Limos and hot pink boas are nice, but that was my favorite part of the entire weekend.

Music: If There Was No You by Brandi Carlile

First and foremost, thank you times a gazillion for all the emails and comments about the direbetes. Y’all are legit. THANK YOU. Now, I had high hopes for this post today, but I have to type this out fast because my mother-in-law is here straight outta Compton Thailand and she’s downstairs playing legos with Troy and I need to keep her distracted before she notices what a shitty housekeeper her son married.

1. In an effort to not appear like the very shitty housekeeper I am, fifteen mintues before she arrived last night, I gathered all the crap lying around my house (see boxes I was going through, paint supplies, toys and more toys, papers, etc.) and chunked it into my office and LOCKED THE DOOR from the inside.

2. Zoe turns 11 on Sunday. The party is going to be a tiny bit overboard, but dude, she got diabetes last year for her birthday. I kinda owe her.

3. I made a huge pot of rice this morning for a casserole that I was preparing for dinner tonight. IN FRONT OF MY ASIAN MIL. I usually use rice of the minute variety, but I can’t disparage our asian heritage. The rice boiled over and kinda burned and she peered into the pot (OH GOD) and was all, “Why you use brown? Brown rice is ca-ca“.

4. Ca-ca is my new go to phrase.

5. I took Troy to the craft store this week and there was lady dressed in all black with a lace headband and some swirly black coat standing near us. Troy was all, “There’s a GHOST” and she turned and told me there was a possibility Troy had clairvoyance abilities. I didn’t have the heart to tell her he was saying that she looked just like some jacked up ghost/zombie lady we saw that morning on Scooby Doo.

                           He sees dumb people.  Dressed in bad fashion.

Happy Weekend.

Hope it’s ca-ca free.

ZDub