The Opposite Of Cute

posted by Zakary on August 19, 2014

Last week, the kids went to bed and I sat down on the couch to catch up on my reading. And by reading, I mean watching Real Housewives of Orange County. Don’t judge, I cannot quit that show even though I can practically feel my brain cells decreasing in size as I view an episode.

So, I’m sitting on the couch watching this train wreck ride elephants in Bali after Vicki had dry heaves because they made her ride in the back of the van (the gall) and I hear the dog’s food dish kind of rattle and I think “Wow that’s weird” because the dog sleeps in Zoe’s room and they went to bed like at least 45 minutes ago and he’s a total grandpa of a dog that needs like 14 hours of sleep a night. I hear the dish rattle again and then see something SCURRY across the kitchen floor towards the hall closet.

I keep staring in that direction, willing this to be my imagination and a godforsaken mouse walks right out of the hall closet and sits in the middle of the floor and stares at me like, “What?” and went about his business of moving dog food from the dog’s bowl to the hall closet like it was his job.

In my brain, I was making a list of what I needed to do to sell the house because OMG. I went and woke Jeff up who decided he would try to catch the mouse with a huge tupperware bowl from IKEA. After an hour of this bullshit, I went and woke up my mother who barricaded the damn mouse in the downstairs bathroom after unsuccessfully trying to “stun” it with a yardstick while I stood guard with a broom and made helpful comments like “We should just light the bathroom on fire”. This is my life.

If you ever find yourself in this predicament of trying to wrangle a mouse at 1 a.m. with your mother, husband, and IKEA tupperware, please note the best plan of action would be to throw a towel over the mouse and then put the bucket over it. The towel will slow the mouse down/trap him temporarily. None of us thought of this while blindly smacking at the mouse with a yardstick. You’re welcome.

The next morning I went to Lowe’s and bought everything from the “99 Problems And Mice Are All Of Them” aisle because girl, if you see one mouse you know they have friends.

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Please note we live in the woods and I see field mice quite a bit when I’m hiking OUTDOORS and they don’t bother me because they are OUTDOORS. When I see them sneaking around my kitchen and then have nightmares that they are in my pillow? Those bitches gotta go. That mouse was nowhere near our pantry, why bother with the pantry when there is an all you can eat dog food buffet right here on the floor? So convenient! My boss tried to make me feel better and pointed out that mice are kind of like squirrels, but I feel like squirrels have boundaries. I’ve been feeding squirrels for years and not once has one been all, “Ooh, let me go inside through this heating register and hide dog food in Zoe’s snow boot like a sneaky little bastard”. Plus I’m here to tell you if I find a squirrel in a snow boot? That would be a banner day in my book.

We bleached all the things, worked on sealing up any place that around the heating registers that could be infiltrated, and set all the traps. No trap activity for a week, so I’m declaring this house ok for now. Winter is coming though, so I don’t want to get too cocky.

And Zoe is hilarious and keeps leaving this outside the bathroom door while I’m showering and I’ve had at least five heart attacks.

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Make me feel better and tell me you’ve had to deal with uninvited guests and that I’m not the only one. I beg of you.


Is This Thing On?

posted by Zakary on August 4, 2014

Oh hey. Let’s just pretend I haven’t take almost three weeks off from blogging. I know some people are good at balance and working and the house and kids and dinner and these people also find time to exercise and have a conversation with their spouse that consists of more than text messages, but I am not one of those people. I can feed my kids and finish up work before midnight, but exercise and laundry and scrubbing toilets goes out the window as I text my husband and say what’s up and ask what time he’s going to be home because chances are I will be asleep or working on a spreadsheet or sometimes both.

So work got crazy busy, I went to California, and I also had a birthday and turned 38 (GROSS).

Despite the fact that I was traveling, I had an amazing day. I got the best birthday card ever in the history of the world. Seriously if I was going to design a card it would look just like this.


My awesome friend/coworker gave me the most badass gifts I could ever hope for.


I made it out for a quick birthday lunch that involved birthday beers.


Later that night, my birthday exponentially increased in awesomeness when Rev Run showed up, no big deal. Just one of the founding fathers of hip hop.


Not bad for a Saturday night in San Jose.

I am truly convinced that you always need cake and candles on your birthday (it lessens the blow of aging), we set out to find a slice of chocolate cake. We found one right down the street from the hotel and it was delicious.


Happy Birthday also to Whore Pit Viper, I’m sorry you had to copy me and have the same birthday and I hope you had cake.